The Sun I Never Dreamed of Finding
Lately things have been different. Like really different.
I don’t know when, but at some point I changed completely, and my world, my worries, my life are all completely different from my past.
I used to be carefree and excited, but now my life is buried underwater in the deep, dark depths of the ocean, only managing to reach the surface and gasp for air for a brief, fleeting moment before being dragged down by an invisible hand into the darkness.
When did my life get this bleak? When did I stop smiling? When did all of this come over me?
It hit me: that time at the waterpark a year ago. That was the turning point in my life that twisted my fate into the night that I live every day. I used to wish and hope for the sun to come rising up and out into the broad sky, but that was long ago. I’ve given up on waiting for some brightness to enter my life. If it’ll never happen, it’s pointless to try.
Ever since that day when my lungs collapsed in on themselves like the sallow, shrinking skin that comes with death and decay on a corpse, I’ve never been the same.
“Ryu!” shouts Amanda from the other end of the school hallway, rushing towards me cheerfully, ginger, curly, long hair bouncing with each step. “Guess what day it is today,” she continues with a radiant smile that shows her perfectly straight, white teeth.
I shrug apathetically. Though Amanda’s smile would be contagious to anyone else, it means nothing to me. Her happiness has nothing to do with my own. The darkness that swallows me up every day is too powerful to let me connect and smile with such a bright, shining soul as hers.
“It’s my 6 month anniversary with Gerald! Can you believe it? We’ve already been dating for so long. I think he’s the one. Look what he got me as a gift!” she exclaimed, gesturing toward the dangling, winding line of silver forming some sort of symbol hanging from her ear. “It’s a treble clef!” she screams from excitement. “A music symbol,” she adds to clarify since I don’t play an instrument; however, for her, music is everything since she dreams to become a professional violinist one day.
“Yeah, whatever,” I say dejectedly, not bothering to be kind to my friend. Sure, it is kind of rude, but what the hell am I supposed to do? It’s not like she would ever understand even if I told her all my problems. Her happy, euphoric life is the opposite of mine, and her shoving it in my face just makes me feel more and more distant from her.
The jealousy of her happiness eats me up inside as the school bell rings, and Amanda waves, saying “Well, see you in third period!”
I snap out of my thoughts and give her a small nod before walking towards my math classroom.
I plop down in my seat just before the second bell indicating the period had begun rings, resting my head in one of my hands. Time for another boring day at the most boring place on Earth.
I normally would just zone out all class period long, perhaps falling asleep, but today something catches my attention and rips me out of my daydreams.
My ears pick up on a shy, quiet, accented voice as it says, “Hi, my name is Yuuto. I just moved here from Japan. Please treat me nicely!” He then proceeds to bow deeply as the class chuckles at him for his different mannerisms. I, on the other hand, smile warmly at the black-haired, brown-eyed, incredibly handsome male whose timid behavior makes me want to laugh for once in a while.
Wait! I am smiling, and I want to laugh? Since when does that happen? Not since before the accident…
My attention jerks back to the situation at hand as I see Yuuto approach the empty desk next to mine and sit down awkwardly as the whole class watches him.
“Eyes on me!” the teacher reprimands as he begins today’s lecture on limits.
Yuuto is staring intently back and forth between me and my notebook and pencil. “Right!” I whisper to him. “You probably don’t have any paper or pencils.” I fumble around in my backpack looking for a spare pencil, and I tear out a couple sheets from my notebook, handing them to him. “Here, use these.”
He bows his head towards me, a smile reaching the corners of his mouth, as he accepts the paper and pencil with both hands. “Thank you,” he utters almost silently.
I smile at him in return. For some reason, just watching this guy brings me to the surface of the dark ocean I’ve been trying to escape for the past year in a single instant. All my depression and hopelessness is gone the moment I see his beautiful, grateful smile.
I guess he must be the sun I used to wait for but gave up on. Man, if I knew how wonderful a brightness would seep into my dark world, I never would have resigned myself to living in such darkness. But, now he has come and shed light on my dark self, and I can finally breathe again, no longer submerged underwater, no longer having to drown in my own sorrow.
For once, I’ve found someone who can lift the burden of feeling down off my shoulders. Now the problem lies in ensuring he’ll always stay by my side and provide that light I once gave up on, but now can’t get enough of. Now that I’ve felt how good it is to be released from my dark ocean prison, I don’t want to ever go back, and I’m shamelessly greedy enough to want to hang on tight to the one source I’ve found of my liberation from that place.
So basically, I won’t let Yuuto betray me or leave me because I can’t afford to lose my one light source in this world. He has to stay with me, or else I’ll be doomed back to imprisonment in that dark, dark life that I’ve finally managed to escape from.