Chapter 1
I ran through a dense forest. It was half past midnight and much too dark for anyone to be out. I had memories that I needed space from, memories that I could perhaps forget. I wanted to start anew, so that I could avoid the events that led me to where I was now. My mind was a mess, so I try to concentrate on other things.
Moist earth and broken leaves clunged to my bare feet as I ran. I didn’t even know where I was heading, that was a secret my feet withheld from the rest of me. The memories comes slipping back into my thoughts causing me to stop. My breathing is heavy and I have my hands on my knees for support. I’m shaking my head, trying to rid it of the memories.
I force myself to listen, I hear the fallen leaves gathering as wind blows them around, then I noticed the rain that was falling are turning into hail. I reach up to adjust my jacket collar, but realize I’m not wearing a jacket. My mind is so in shock that it’s not registering that I should be cold.
My face is wet and I can’t tell if it’s from the rain or tears from my eyes. As I’m thinking a clap of thunder strikes nearby and I’m running again. My damp hair is dancing around my head, blocking my view. I’m swiping the hair from my face that I don’t notice where I’m going.
Then I’m face down on the ground, groaning from the sudden burst of pain a raised root had caused to my foot. I curl up, letting the mud embrace me, as I grip my injured foot. Why? Why is this all happening to me? I let my throbbing foot go and cover my ears, muting everything. I’m away from everything. I should be fine, but the memories are still there, my foot needs to be checked, and I know now that the drops on my face are definitely tears.
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MCKapo
I agree with @HRJafael.
The writing is good, though I feel like there’s not a lot of information to go on of past events, so really the only thing this is about is her/him running through the forest for some reason. That may be intentional, but it would be nice to find out why this is all happening. Let me know if you decide to expand on this, I would be interested in reading further.
HRJafael
MARCH 31, 2018
(Since Underlined won’t give dates)
Hows it going? I saw you rewrote this so I thought I would reread it.
You definitely improved it. However there are some issues where your writing voice is concerned.
For example, you start off the story with “I ran through a dense forest.” That tells me the action was in the past because you’re recalling the event. However there are several spots where you switch from past to present in the same sentence. It feels clunky where you do it.
For example,
“My mind was a mess, so I try to concentrate on other things.”
Since you used “was” you need the rest of the sentence follows through on the past tense.
I would have written:
“My mind was a mess, so I TRIED to concentrate on other things.”
I would recommend you try to find the spots and change it one tense or another. In other words, make sure you’re not flip-flopping between the tenses. Try to have consistency.
So far you have a good start that hits the ground running. Will you be writing more? Let me know.
HRJafael
I don’t quite know where to begin. This was extremely short but I felt it was very packed. If I’m going to be honest, it felt too packed. Its good to have emotion in your writing but this felt like the character itself, a bit of a mess. You have a good foundation to build upon but I think you were trying to build as much as you could in one paragraph. It was BOOM BOOM BOOM– I felt as the reader that in one paragraph I lost my breath and couldn’t process one thing before the next sentence hits me with another BOOM.
What I am trying to say is lighten the structure a bit. That doesn’t mean you need to expand this to 10 pages but maybe linger on the scene a bit more. Try not to make the reader feel so tired after one paragraph. The writing is very heavy-handed but you have enough there to work with. Take your time (so be wary of not making it over-long) to allow yourself to breath. Even though it was divided into sentences, as a reader I couldn’t shake off the feeling of it being one giant run-on sentence. The pacing seemed way too fast. Slow down, what’s the hurry?
If you edit this, let me know. I’ll be more than happy to reread it and help you along.