Recovery

Few things can make a person cry harder than realizing they were just not important enough or not loved enough for someone to stay by them. Me, I’ve had my heartbroken. Sometimes I think I’m cursed to not find anyone to love me. It’s happened more times than I can count at this point. The girl I like, at one point or another, will move away, show disinterest, find someone else, or disappear. But only one person has actually done all of the above at the same time.

I met Rain through my once best friend. Once again I found someone who was interesting. We could make each other laugh, talk for hours and hours, so on and so on. Someone who I thought I was compatible with. One problem, she was dating my best friend. Yet we seemed to click instantly and have a good time when we talked or the few times we hanged out. And then after a brief period of time she left. Something happened and she had to move back to her home state. She broke it off with my friend, but we continued to talk. I remember we got closer and closer because we lifted each other up throughout the days as they went by. And one day she told me something that I was so happy about. She said she loved me. And not in the way that girls will just say those three words but not really mean it. I felt she was being genuine that day. And I returned those three words back to her. I loved her too. Despite having dated my best friend I had grown to love her and I was so happy when she confessed to me her feelings. It was a first for me to have someone say they had feelings for me. But there was a problem. She was a state away and because of that, because we could not do long distance relationships she ended up finding someone else.

At first, things were okay. She and I talked the days away. We were happy. Everyday she and I would chat as much as we could. There was a time she lived with her mom and the lady would turn off the internet at a certain time. Those days were the most precious I think. And after all this time she and I finally got to talking about her visiting me again. She missed me, I missed her and so we discussed if she could come down here again. The talks leading up to that day could’ve been endless if we each didn’t need sleep. I remember wanting to go to sleep so the day would come faster and when it was finally here she said she wouldn’t be able to make it because her check from work had not come through or something to that effect. Sad, I made plans with my best friend to hang out with him. The same guy who she dated and broke it off with. I should say that he was still feeling sore about it and so when I got word that she was in town miraculously I just had to go see her. I shot her a text, she replied, and we set up a moment for me to go see her again, after what seemed like forever. And when I saw her, up to that point it was the happiest moment in my life. We spent several hours together and talked about things and how we were. There came a moment when we were in her car, she came to pick up her car by the way. She and I were just sitting on the road and the moment came. I wanted to kiss her, the time seemed right. But I hesitated. It was and is the biggest regret ihave. What if I had gone through with it at that point< maybe things would be different now. Maybe I wouldn’t be alone at my house at 4 in the morning typing this up. Regardlesss things happened the way they did. She left after giving me a big hug, several big hugs and I went home.

I tell this story a lot as a funny drunk night story but unfortunately it leads into something terrible. It was a Friday night. I had finished my classes, was living alone in my apartment, and I didn’t go home that weekend because I had work to do for college. That or I wanted to stay the weekend up there and go out to drink. I made a budget that I ended up not sticking to. Ten dollars turned into 25. and all the while me and Rain were talking. There came the moment she had to go to sleep and I promised her I would be safe. I ended up at IHOP that night and ate food and drank tea in front of some cops who I properly wrote a thank you note for their service before bailing out of there and going back to my apartment. I was not prepared for what would happen next. I woke up later that night to a text from Rain. It was something to the effect of “Have you ever had to do something you didn’t want to but deep down you knew it was the right thing to do?” I gave a reply and went back to sleep. And then that morning around 10 I think she texted back. Something had happened to upset her and she was saying goodbye. It happened so fast. I didn’t have time to properly respond. Just like that she was gone.

She disappeared for 7 agonizing months. That semester of college I failed 2 classes and got low grades for the other 3. I had to stay over for the summer. It was the lowest point of my life up to that point. And time went by slowly. I remember at that point I was watching a youtuber by the name Domics. One of his series was Break Ups and it had a few parts to the series. Up until a certain point it had been all jokes and laughter. And then on Break Ups 4 the tone became super depressing. He talked about a similar situation where a girl he was in a relationship with broke it off without warning and he was left with questions. Same as me. I was left with questions that had no answers and for, I’d say, 3 months I agonized over wanting to know what happened. But his video also talked about recovering from that loss and it was logically the next step. I tried to rush myself through the stages of grief quickly so I could move on. But it didn’t work and actually back fired. I realized I was only fooling myself into thinking that this was something I could speed through. I wanted to talk about it with my friends. But my best friend was not someone I was comfortable talking to and the only other friend I had at the time had gotten sick real quick of me talking about her. So I was alone. Eventually though I started to recover. And this is the first time I talk about the process I took in order to move on.

It started with me thinking about the issue logically. Rain had a boyfriend at the time. He knew that she and I were best friends at the time she said goodbye so what could’ve happened was the question. I knew she loved me but the fact that she had a boyfriend suggested she loved him more. Maybe she had decided to finally pick one guy and that hadn’t been me. It was sad to think about back then but it made sense so I stuck to it. The next thing that happened was crucial to fixing myself. The thinking process that had lead me to the idea that she loved another guy more than me lead me to question everything else she had said. Was I really as important as she said I was? Did I even matter to her? How many lies had she told me? Everything was questioned and I became bitter. I wouldn’t say that I hated her but maybe that’s just me lying to myself. Regardless, I shut myself off from human interaction and instead followed a daily routine. Wake up in the morning, go to classes, go home. I did this for a while and then one day met a girl. She became a part of my routine. We would meet up every Thursday and talk about stuff. My friend told me about conventions in Columbia, so I went to that to relieve myself of stress. He started to visit more and we had fun playing video games and having sleepovers. All the while, thoughts of Rain and my bitterness started to diminsh. Because while I did at first question everything, I also found myself logically answering those questions. Of course she loved me, but she also loved another guy. Someone who could be there for her. She hadn’t lied about her feelings but what were the chances of us actually ending up together anyway? Bitterness or hatred turned to accepting and understanding. And while not perfect, in accepting I found myself believing that there was a huge possibility that I would never be with anyone. I was stuck, alone. I accepted it and finalized my repairs. I was encased in my bubble again. The one that I had had before everything happened. Protected by my thoughts of solidarity and wanting peace. It was not perfect but I didn’t want to be hurt again. Which is why when I got a text from her the very next day I was skeptical and very much on guard. But that’s a story for another restless night.