By Cleo De Sol
A thousand words come to my mind but none leave my mouth. I can feel my heart shatter into a million pieces over and over each time I see you. I spend my nights thinking about you, my days pawning over our last conversation, and my evenings thinking about where it all went wrong. I constantly think of all the things I should’ve done differently, all the things that we still haven’t done yet, and all the things you’re going to do with someone else. My mind scrambles every time we lock eyes. I think of all the promises we made each other, all the secrets we shared, all the stories we told. I look at you and feel alive yet you look at me and feel nothing. Even if it was all fake for you I wish you could’ve played pretend a little longer. I clung to your words like they were the air that filled my lungs. I made myself believe that you loved me like you said you did. Sad to say that I spent countless nights crying over a 6 foot 2, curly-haired, light-skinned man that I promised to give me the world if I stuck with him. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love you anymore. My chest still caves in when someone says your name as it did the very first time we met. My knees still weaken when I hear your voice as they did the first time you said you loved me. Sometimes I hate you for what you put me through. You fed me false hope without even second-guessing how it would hurt me in the end. You filled my naive brain with the same lies you told her. I often find myself asking myself why I let myself fall so deeply in love with you. I always reply with ¨he still loves me, he has too¨, knowing that you’re probably out with her while I lay awake reminiscing about us. I wish that I could do to you what you did to me. I wish that I could make you feel how I feel. I wish that you could’ve at least pretended to care. The sad thing is I would do it all again in a heartbeat if it meant that you would’ve stayed for just a little bit longer. I would be lying if I said I didn’t love you still. I would make myself look like a fool if I pretended that I didn’t. Even if you don’t love me anymore, my heart will always beat for you.