How it happened
You’ve crushed on her for almost all of your sophomore year in highschool. As you began approaching her and spending more time with her you began to understand her more. You had your first class of the day with her, and with that, seeing her every morning had made your heart skip a beat.
She sat on the other side of the classroom. It wasn’t one of your traditional classes, it was one of those computer classes where you were all grouped up in two main groups. Unfortunantly, or rather fortunantly for your shy self, she was in a different group where you couldn’t talk to her freely.
She sat there beautifully, you truly did believe she was the most beautiful person on the planet. Her long brown hair suiting her calm mysterious eyes truly expressed how gorgeous she was. Seeing her smile filled your stomach with excited butterflies as you dreamt that you had a chance to be with someone like her, even if you were someone like you. Someone who’s never had a relationship before and was just simply subpar.
A few months in you had still been crushing on her when lady luck fired her shot and gave you the opportunity to really get to know her. A new project had been assigned to your class which required the two very distinct groups to work together to identify a problem and create a solution.
Throughout the two week long project you had began talking to her and learning more about her, slowly getting addicted to her voice. You quickly became normal friends and due to the project you were both working on, you were able to exchange contact information. This was it. This was your chance to make your move. This was the opportunity you had dreamed of so many times.
Starting with small talk you both talk about your pasts and your dreams. You had learned so much about her and she had learned so much about you. And as the project you had been working on came to end, you had seen the fruits of your labor. Purely out of instinct and as a normal action you and your friends casually did, you reached your arm around her shoulder and brought her in closer to you in a small celebration.
Her eyes quickly lit up as she pulled you closer before it was over. Did she have feelings for you? No, it can’t be. Shes just glad your done with your work and simply celebrated with you. Your feelings were clearly one sided and you believed it was most likely going to stay that way.
A few months have passed since you’re project and you two have only gotten closer to each other. You knew each others deepest darkest fears and secrets. Even after all this time, you still crushed on her. If anything, you were completely positive she was the woman who would make you happy for all your life.
In an effort to be able to spend more time with her, you had started coming to school a bit earlier, just to see her and exchange a quick word or two. Just seeing her as you made your way to school everyday gave you the drive to do your best in all you possibly could. She was the light in your life it seemed.
School had ended and as a result you fell into a depression. Her parents were extremely strict and did not approve of her dating until she had at least graduated high school. You had to spend your entire summer vacation only being able to dream of her and never see her. You still talked with her quite regularly which was a great relief to you.
A month of summer had passed and you hadn’t seen her stunning eyes. Good news had very recently arrived and you were invited to her birthday. She was older than you, but only by 3 days. Time could not go any slower as you anticipated seeing her again. You had been talking to her a lot and she seemed to be catching on to your feelings. One night she asks you if you like her. You answer her honestly with a firm and simple yes. She asks again, but this time she asks if you like her as more than just a friend. There was no absolutely no way she had feelings for you and in fear of losing your friendship you tell her that you’ve never considered the idea.
It was bright morning and you had shown up at her door excitedly. You were there slightly early in an attempt to be the first one there and be able to speak to her privately, and maybe even confess your feelings. Unfortunantly, you weren’t the first one there. But it didn’t matter. You got to see her again. You were happy.
Exchanging smiles, you sit down with the other guests and began talking with them. It was nothing special, just simple talk about what they had done in their summer break so far. But the day was over all too quickly. You hadn’t confessed your feelings and it was getting late. Time to go home. You bid her farewell before being offered an escort outside her apartment complex. It was a very simple path, so why had she insisted on you joining you?
As you slowly got closer to the exit you give her your goodbyes again before being stopped by her. She slowly walks up to you and embraces you tightly. You think it’s just a friendly hug. Nothing special. She’s just very nice. You pull her towards you, her head on your chest. You’ve spent countless nights just dreaming of this moment only to see it finally become true. With her, you were happy. Your love for her only increased since that day.
Three days later and its your very own birthday party. She had convinced her parents to let her go and they reluctantly did. None of you had mentioned her birthday yet and so you convinced yourself that embrace was only friendly and that she only considered you as a good and close friend. Everyone enjoys their time as it passes by quickly before she has to leave. Hoping for another embrace, you follow her out the door where she simply gives you a cheerful goodbye and walks away. This was it. This proved it. You are only her friend. Nothing more. But you were happy with just that.
Ever since you had gotten close with her youve told her that you’ve had a crush on someone. Just 2 days after your birthday she asks you out of the blue “whos your crush”. That question was always difficult to answer. You couldn’t tell her it was her as you feared she’d be pushed away and your friendship would slowly end. You couldn’t live without her anymore. You say that you can’t tell her who it was because she would tell your crush. And only after 6 hours of her trying to push it out of you, you gave up. You told her she was your crush.
Filled with instant regret you have no idea what to do now. She hasn’t responded yet. Should you say it was a joke? No no this was your only chance with her, and it was unlikely too. She replies in confusion “but I thought you never considered that idea”. You decide to come clean there. You explain to her that you only said that because you believed she didn’t have feelings for you and that you didn’t want her to drift away if you did tell her. You could see the frustration in her words. She said she had been crushing on you ever since you had your little celebration after your school project. And she only grew to love you more as she learned more and more about you.
Both of you were in tears. There’s no way this is happening. This is.. Incredible. You’ve dreamed of this so much. This day had finally come. And that’s how your relationship came to be with your crush. She crushed on you. You crushed on her. And finally you got to be with her. This was truly amazing. You were both finally happy.
And for the next few months it truly did feel amazing. This was no dream. 6 months had already passed and you both were happy. But slowly after that she started acting more depressed. You couldn’t believe that this could be happening.
After asked her what was wrong it seems that an online friend was involved in some sort of accident and is currently at some sorts. You felt bad for her. You felt even worse that even for a split second you doubted her love for you. You did all that you can to comfort her but there’s wasn’t much you can do.
2 months later and she seems to be expressing almost no feelings for you. She doesn’t talk to you as often and for no where near as long as she used to. You couldn’t bare to bring it up to her so you just complained to yourself. You wrote notes and messages to yourself at how she had lost interest in you. You still loved her with all your heart. But clearly she didn’t.
A few days pass and you go back to talking with her normally. It’s all okay now. This is just like when you talked with her a few months back. Messages filled with love and lots of affection were exchanged between you 2. Things were finally normal again. And you loved loving her more than ever.
That night you go through all your notes, laughing. How could you have believed this nonsense? She loved you with all her heart. Whatever was bugging her was no longer doing so. You threw away all the notes in hopes of forgetting those old days.
The very next day it was all gone. She no longer wanted to be with you. You were confused. You were scared. You were crying. You were mad. She says she fell in love with another man. But if that didn’t quite hurt enough, she fell in love with him the same time you started dating. She never even met him, he was her online friend and she had never seen him in person. How could this happen?
You were depressed. You were mad. But you didn’t blame her. You couldn’t blame her. Even if the love she had for you had died and withered away your love for her was strong and always will be. But you were depressed nonetheless. You only blamed yourself, that you weren’t good enough. She was still perfect in your eyes but she was crying. She felt bad for cutting you away just like that. You kept telling her it wasn’t her fault and that she shouldn’t cry. But she cried nonetheless.
The pain you felt from this was far greater than anything you have ever felt. There was nothing you could do about it. You were sad. You were depressed. You were crying. You had cried so much that crying began to hurt now. You couldn’t stand this. It was time for it to end. You asked her to promise that she would stop blaming herself. She reluctantly agreed. That was all you needed. You wanted it to end it all right then and there.
But of course, you couldn’t. In return for accepting your promise, you had to promise her that you wouldn’t hurt yourself in any way, or she would blame herself till the day she died. She was still your everything and you still wanted her to be happy.
And so you lived on. The pain always haunting you. Unable to forget this moment. You were still friends with her but did that really matter now? You had lost the love of your life to a man she had never even met. Did you really deserve to live?