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Friendship and Hardship

By @Joyous_One

Will You Understand ?

Dear Jonathan,

You ask how I am all the time and I give you ” I’m okay, just living life” but really I’ve been through dark times. I feel that it’s necessary for me share my real thoughts.Perhaps I will scare you away with my sudden urge to free myself to you but I hope you can grasp a hold of these thoughts to understand me better. So here I go , I won’t hold back.

Sometimes I wonder why I’m not strong or confident but I realize I never take charge.I just follow behind with my head held up but one look into my eyes says it all. That I am faking it to make, as some may say but really I’m trying to push down my inner battle of confusion. Self confusion. Do I like it here? Am I where I want to be in life? Why am I this way? Why can’t I change? Why can’t I just agree and stick to what I say? Can’t the confusion and sadness go away?All those questions swirl in my head , I don’t even think a therapist can help. What they say is very helpful, only if you actually can preform the task. Yes, it takes time but it’s money too. It’s also having the strength to dig deep into ones self and embrace your flaws. The many, many flaws that streak through you.Sometimes it’s unbearable to comprehend the mass of emotions and thoughts. You tend to fade into a trance with a heavy heart, while mopping about all you’ve done wrong.Just a tornado across the brain that weaves into every crevice with negativity.What makes it worst is getting upset for getting upset, you’re just feeding into and there you go again. Just spiraling down the rabbit hole.When the climb starts for you to get out, it’s like everything parts from the negativity into accepting even if you shouldn’t. Like a switch everything is better, all you want then is for everything to go back to normal. So you smile. What happen 10 minutes ago? Nothing…Letting all problems side into the nothing pile generates more confusion and sadness. It’s a cycle and just keeps getting worst and nothing can be done.

Yours truly,

Rebekah

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