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Family Dinner

By @ahetheropolis

The Food Fight

I was done. My brother, sitting across the table from me, had hit my last nerve; and I his.

“Mia, how is work going?” My mother asks from my right; clearly trying to ease the ever-growing tension in the room between my brother and me. As I turn to answer her question I can see my brother get up from the table and enter the kitchen through the door on the left. In a matter of seconds my brother walks back into the room and before I can register it he lifts his arm and throws. The tomato splatters across my face – OW!

“You, ********** I scream as my parents sit in bewilderment. I stand up and wipe the tomato from my eye as my brother makes his way back to his chair laughing at my astonishment. I flash him a large smile and reach down to my plate. Grabbing a large handful of my, now lukewarm, mashed potatoes; I get the aim of his face in my sights and let loose.

It is like the whole thing happens in slow-motion. Right before my brother’s ass hits his chair the potatoes release from my hand and begin flying across the table. Moments later the first drops of potatoes hit his chest and his face contorts from laughter to horror as the remaining handful of the mashed potatoes flies halfway into his mouth and the rest onto his upper chest.

After the splatter hits him he starts to laugh again letting out a barely audible; “weren’t you on the baseball team!”

With a huff I sit down in my chair and thankfully my brother’s fiancé, sitting to his left, slaps him upside the back of his head. Shutting him up momentarily.

My father, from my left, hands me two extra serviettes and I wipe down my face. When I look up, my brother is still there laughing with mashed potatoes on his chin and shirt. “Here, brother. Why don’t you clean yourself up a little?” I ball up my napkins into the tightest little ball I possibly can. I aim directly for his slightly open mouth and land my target perfectly. Before he realizes what is going on the napkin wad flies perfectly into the back of his mouth and he starts coughing until it is out of his mouth. Now it is my turn to laugh.

“You were saying brother?” I blurt out in between bouts of laughter.

“That does it!” He yells. He bolts up from his seats and races to the kitchen; re-emerging in the dining room with the chocolate desert pie. Next, he throws it across the table smashing in my face. Thankfully, this at least tastes okay. Unlucky for my brother however as I clear my eyes I notice the hit has not only hit me but also my father and my mother, however minimally.

His fiancé stands up with a look of shock on her face holding her recently pregnant stomach and runs for the kitchen as my father stands up with a look that we call his “fighting eyes”. For the first time in a while I see a look of genuine fear on my brothers face as both my mom and my dad pick up their glasses of water and do not even hesitate to throw them directly in my brother’s face; almost simultaneously.

I wish I could say this is the only food fight my family has ever had but there is a reason we only all get together once every three months.

We all just stand around the table for a solid minute. We can hear my brother’s fiancé shuffling about in the kitchen clearly trying to avoid the mayhem that is my family. If only she knew.

“So,” I say trying to get things relatively back to normal. We all slowly sit down and clean ourselves up. “You’re going to have a baby.” We all look around the table at each other and burst out laughing. We laugh for minutes until we are all in pain from laughing so hard. Eventually my brother’s fiancé stalks back into the room.

“Listen here!” She yells. “If you all don’t stop fighting right this second none of you are seeing this baby once it is born.” We start laughing again, this time directed at her. Calming down she looks around the room and realizes we have stopped fighting and, although how momentarily it will last, are getting along. “Hehe whoops. Sorry. I am not used to fighting I don’t like when families fight; I was serious by the way.”

“Sit down hon.” My brother says grabbing her hand and encouraging her to her seat. “Yes Mia, we are having a baby; and don’t worry you won’t have to get anywhere near it.”

“What do you mean babe?” The woman carrying his baby says.

“Could you imagine Mia with a baby?” The family once again bursts out laughing because the thought of me learning lessons and taking care of a baby is normally an outrageous topic. I don’t learn lessons well and sometimes I get on people’s nerves. Babies, and many grown-ups, don’t like me. Half of the time I am the reason the family food fights begin. Although I deny it.

Next time I guess I should remember; asking your brother if his future child is in fact his will certainly get a tomato thrown in your face. Especially if he ever finds out I am pregnant; and not one-hundred percent sure who the father is.


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