This I Believe
What Has Changed?
This I believe is a reflection upon my previous one that I wrote a year ago. A recap of the one I wrote a year ago was about how I believe in healthy friendships, and that I believe in a great life. What have I learned in a year? Where has life brought me now? How does everything affect me now? Coming to terms with many things over the year has been a healing process. I talked about my boyfriend, my friends, and now everything is changed.
I’ve learned in a year that I believe that I need therapy. Funny, right? I wish I was kidding. I thought I could do things on my own but now I understand that its okay to ask for help. Coming to terms with things such as abuse is hard to come over. ItFs embarrassing to admit that emotional trauma that happened while I belonged to a church years ago still haunts me. It haunts me in relationships, it haunts me everywhere. I wish I sought help with it earlier, because I believe the therapy that i’m starting will help with it, since its personalized for people who have been abused by churches. Recovery is something new and i’m glad that I can start accepting it.
I’ve learned that i’ve never healed from the scars of past friendships, and that’s okay. Right now, i’m doing better than I ever was. I’m glad that I can admit my wrongs, that I messed up, and that I don’t have to make excuses for the people who hurt me. I always said it was my fault that bad things happened to me. Sophomore year was hell. It was bad, and I wish I could’ve told myself that I didn’t have to always blame myself. I wish I knew that its okay to be alone too. I never knew what real independence was until this year. Until the summer I always relied on my boyfriend, but now I know I can be alone, and that’s okay.
I believe that there was nothing better than finding myself and finding people who love me for who I am. I hated myself for gaining weight after my friendships ending, but finding myself help me realize the reasons I gained weight. Its helping me heal and get healthier. Remember third-grade friend from the last story? That’s my friend Caitlin, my silver lining, and now who I have now grown closer to. Rachel is my rock. I don’t know if she knows how much I love her, and she will always be my best friend. Laney cared for me in a way that I never had before. Its like she understood me inside and out, and I’m glad she’s still around here. I am grateful for everything that I have right now.
I believe that self love and self acceptance is a huge stepping stone in recovering from any emotional trauma with friends, or religion. Until I could move pass my past, I would never recover. I can’t sit and mope and wait life to come for me. The world is spinning and time is ticking even if i’m lying in bed. Nothing is always me. This story was not one for pity but one for motivation and to understand that loving myself is a long road, and its okay that it might seem slow. Life is now, and I can’t keep letting time slip between my fingers.