The girl was standing on the corridor of the house. Third floor of the old building facing the growing moon smoking her cigarette. It’s been 3 years now that he’s gone and she’s still lingering, waiting for the pain to end.
It’s her name-day today. 31st of August. This is a special tradition of her nation that they celebrate the day that titled to a name. Earlier this evening she was out in the beautiful city she lived in. She came here for him 4 years ago. Boy, how happy she was. Madly in love with a stranger coming from Italy.
They have found each other in a small city of her country where he was supposed to spend a year on a project. The first time she saw him she knew something is going to happen. It was a meeting of destiny. A moment when you know your life is going to be over the way it was. She fell in love with the boy despite all the warning voices echoing in her head. She tried to resist but who can resist faith. She was afraid and suffered when she seemed to be losing him. She followed her here. She would have followed him everywhere. To the end of the world or the top of the moon. She was so devoted she would have died if it could make him happy. She never noticed that he was not so interested in her. He was lost and too busy of feeling sorry for himself and she was too occupied trying to please him that she didn’t notice how unequal caring was in their relationship. But slowly she started to feel alone and she started to be in fear. What if he doesn’t care? What if it is not so important for him?
When she discovered him cheating she lost the ground. Her world was already turned upside down and at that moment she lost the last string she was holding onto. Love. The love she believed they shared, the feeling at the end of the day – even after a huge fight – that in each other’s arms they found peace.
She was working on forgiving him really hard, though forgiving betrayal was totally against her nature. But she was alone with this work. He didn’t seem to care or do anything to make it up for her.
She decided to move out on a day when he said he wanted to end the relationship and meet other. He offered her to stay as long as she wants but pointed out that he’s going to hook up with strangers.
The girl was a very impulsive person so she announced her movement on a Monday and she left the flat they shared, where she was so happy, in the following weekend.
Everything seemed so unrealistic and sudden it must have been hard even for him. He wasn’t prepared to be left alone in a foreign country, in a city where he had no one. She was hoping for him coming back for long, long months. He tried to get back together once but without any sign of serious commitment so she – no matter how painful it was – ended this line. She knew she deserves more. She deserves true love.
And yet, 4 years later, after many dates, many guys trying to reach for her, and after a night she experienced the shallowness of people again in a fancy party downtown, she’s still sitting in her flat of an elite area of the city heartbroken, asking herself the question how can she still miss him and how can she still long for sharing her life with this untrustworthy guy.
Then she thinks of him resting in the arms of the girl he’s been with since a couple of month after their breakup. So many proof he never really wanted her. Yet she feels dead on the inside without him. She’s been rumbling through life unconsciously since the day he gave up on her. She had never felt so alive before and after him. He took a piece of her heart and she could never feel whole again. Is is true that every person has their soulmate? The one and only you are supposed to be with in this lifetime? Will she every love again? Will she ever be happy again? Is he really better off without her? How could he throw it away? Was it so meaningless? Was she a fool? Who has the answers?
She is slowly walking back in the flat, closing the door slowly, feeling every slow motion of the key in the lock. She feels nothing but emptiness. No meaning of her life, no purpose of tomorrow. Nothing touches her anymore. She is dying. Emptiness and sadness eats up her soul like cancer. She just wants to disappear like the smoke of cigarettes. Just fly away in the breeze, slowly wasting into darkness. With only the moon as a witness.
The sounds of Oren Lavie’s song “Breathing fine” are echoing in her head as she is slowly falling asleep.
„The feeling of falling is still so familiar. The pain in my stomach…” When will this be over?
She never woke up. Her tired heart stopped beating that night. Nobody was sad. Everyone knew she could only find her answers on the other side. We can only hope her soul finally found her peace. There are loves that are beyond our understanding. She never gave up on loving him. Neither from close nor from the distance. He will never know. He is just breathing fine.