My dear apathetic soul

By @rue_lourd

My dear apathetic soul

By @rue_lourd

Poem to my younger self/mental illness

Chapter 1

How long has it been since we talked?

I sit here, wondering

How long has it been since I saw you?

Too many phases of the moon have passed.

I sit here, wondering

I wonder if you’re thinking the same things

Do you think of me?

Or is this

one-sided

one channel of communication

fading away

fading

fading

fading.

I don’t want you to fade from my memory.

I hope you’re doing well.

I worry.

For the time I’ve known you,

You were so shy

Watching anime

drawing pictures

reading books.

Always in a world you didn’t quite fit into.

I wish I’d payed more attention to you

Maybe I could make you feel safer

less scared

less antsy

less paranoid.

I can’t fix you, though

It’s impertinent to think I can

which I don’t

I just want you to feel safe

feel loved

feel happy.

We used to stay up late

reading

hidden under the covers,

light-up keyring in hand

waiting to be caught, listening for footsteps

waiting

waiting

waiting

You never did sleep well, did you?

Night terrors

Screaming at the walls for hours, unwaking

Mum said you used to scare her

And now, it’s insomnia

lying awake at night,

contemplating life,

Wishing desperately to be normal.

That night when you first came,

whispering into my ear

ideas I’d never speak out loud

Did we sleep much that night?

I wonder.

They gave me pills for that

My brain can’t do much by itself

Those were my first ones

Plain white pills, two a night

I hated that I needed them, but I still fought to get them.

It took years to get them

Irregular therapy sessions,

being thrown between therapists like a hot potato.

Those sessions when mum sat in were the worst, right?

Do you worry about me?

I worry a lot

I worry you worry too much

worrying

worrying

worrying

They gave me more pills

Did I ever tell you that?

My third prescription

They say the third time’s lucky, right?

I remember Dad saying that a lot

You used to say it all the time, too

Do you remember?

We haven’t spoken in a while.

On account of all these pills

Melatonin, Seratonin, and more

I forget how many side effects I’ve read through.

Why did we stop talking?

I can’t remember.

I can’t seem to remember how your voice sounds.

Why did you leave?

Oh.

That’s right.

These pills are really doing their job, aren’t they?

I forgot I wanted you gone.

Strange, right?

Strange to forget you.

I’ve forgotten how it felt to have you there

I long for you to be here again

But I know you’re bad for me.

My dear, apathetic soul

I believe we’ll meet again one day.

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  1. GoDucks10

    This was so deep and beautiful and I love how you’re promoting the idea of acknowledging your past and growing from it. 🙂

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