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Who to Trust?

By @Venice_Loveland

Before

I don’t want him to see me cry, but I can’t stop my lip from quivering or my eyes filling with tears. I want to be stronger than this. I want to be better; but he just stands there, begging me to tell him why, why I would want to leave. Begging me for one good reason. I swallow as a tear I cannot stop races down my cheek.

“Because I’m not the one.” I sigh deeply and let it out, everything I’ve kept frozen inside. Living in my ice cold heart, but never thawing. Until now.

“I’m not the girl who gets the guy. I’m not especially skinny, or pretty. But I’m not obese and I’m not ugly. I’m not a genius but I’m not stupid. I’m average. I’m never first, but I’m hardly ever last.” I look around, a dull ache mustering in my chest.

“Don’t you get it? I’m not anything but average! I’m not the girl who can charm a guy just by smiling and I’m not the girl who gets the one she wants! I don’t get to have the handsome, genius, muscular guy who can melt any girl he meets. I’m not the one for you and I know it.” I say. Then I whisper quietly, because my heart is breaking and the sound of shattering glass is deafening.

“You deserve more than average. Everyone wants,’more than average.’” I start to walk away, when I hear his running footsteps behind me and I’m too slow to slip out of his grasp, before he turns me around and pins me to the door. His chest rises at an alarming pace and he looks at if he’s just run a marathon, but I know it isn’t because of the short distance that was between us a moment ago. His thumb brushes my waist as he looks at me and a little thrill of pleasure runs through my veins, but I recoil. He looks at me, baffled.

“Why? Why do you always do that? I barely touch you and you pull away. What is so scary about me Hannah? The fact that I think you are gorgeous? That I think you could run a million dollar company because you are smart? Hannah,” He stops and just looks at me, head to toe, “ you are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met.” I look away, tears falling down my cheeks in a frenzy as I bite my lip to stop it from showing further weakness. I close my eyes as he lifts my chin.

“Look at me. Please… just look at me.” I open my eyes and he gasps softly. My heart pounds and the silent tears just keep coming, not caring who sees anymore. I know that my eyes have turned the stunning, fiery blue they turn when I cry; but I also know that my face is red and *******, only making my eyes stand out more. This is why they don’t see me cry.

“You are beautiful, and the only person I want in this world is you. Why won’t you let me put you first. Why don’t you want me to want you?” He speaks so gently that i don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want his soft, kind words. I just want to leave, I want him to find someone who can love themselves more.

“I can’t stand your touch.” I whisper. I’m so quietly I’m afraid he hasn’t heard me, but he backs away from me, pain shadowing his face.

“It drives me insane, just one touch. You love me more than anyone I have ever known, my own family included…. But I can’t feel it anymore. Just as I have my whole life, the feeling of your love slowly ebbs away. I know it’s there, but I can’t love you more than myself because I don’t love me. I’m so imperfect and I’m not who I ever wanted to be. I want so much more of myself, but I never achieve it, so I always end up in a state of numbing the pain I can’t cure. I don’t want you to love some… thing. I want you to love someone.” I take a shaky breath and take a step closer to him.

“I need you to love someone else.” I whisper. I take another step towards him and I’m in his arms, wrapped around my waist; holding me as if he’ll never hold me again. He leans his head between my shoulder and neck, whispering into my ear, “I can’t.”

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