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unspoken thoughts

By @SabaAshjaee

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Unspoken thoughts

            Her name was Elena. She was sixteen all alone, isolated, sitting in her room. Elena could see the shadow of the moonlight in her room.  It was a regular night for her. Crying. She was haunted by her thoughts. She couldn’t push them away, no matter how much she tried, but she couldn’t; almost as if she was cursed. She had no one to talk to. She wasn’t brave enough to open up. Instead, she chose to hide under a mask. She had made up walls around herself to be obscured. She bottled up her thoughts and emotions in her head and suffered through the pain. Elena had no one by her side. She had to hold her own hand. She felt alone in this universe; as if she was the only one going through this pain. She couldn’t imagine anyone understanding her agony. She wanted to run away but she couldn’t. She coped with her pain through eating. She needed an escape. Instead she turned to food for comfort. She hated herself for that; but she didn’t know what else to do.  Every night she went to the pantry and ate whatever junk food she could find. Tonight, it was Oreos. She opened the box and took a look at all those cookies. She knew she was going to regret eating them, but she couldn’t help it. She already made up her mind. She stuffed it all down her throat without looking back. Once she was done, Elena felt relaxed and somewhat relieved. She forgot about all her problems just for a second. The pain that she felt was numbed.

Later on, she wished she did not eat all that food. Unfortunately, she couldn’t take anything back. It was too late for regret. It was a never-ending cycle. Elena did not believe that she was capable of change. Every day, she looked at herself in the mirror and despised what she saw. She was not skinny. She was not pretty. Her hair was all frizzy. Her eyes were droopy. Her cheeks were all chubby. Her nose was too big. Her lips were too small. Skin full of acne. Hated every curve in her body. Her stomach was floppy. Her breasts were not perky. Her butt never fit well in jeans. Her waist was too wide. She hated herself. She hated every single detail about herself. She could hear the voices saying: “You will NEVER be good enough for him.” “You’re not as pretty as all the other girls.”. STOP. Unfortunately, her thoughts never stopped. Elena couldn’t take it anymore. She burst into tears. She cried an endless ocean in her tears. She dreamed of being another girl; being pretty and confident even just for a few moments. She wondered what it must be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing; what must it be like to have the courage to at least talk to the boy, whom she loved. She was tired of all this. She decided to go to bed to distract from the pain, but she was unable to sleep. Her thoughts kept her awake all night. She kept tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep. 

Elena was always critical of herself. She could not stop thinking. Her thoughts were out of her control. It wasn’t only her body she loathed; she wasn’t also happy with her personality. She always hated the fact that she had no hobbies. As a kid, her mom took her to dance classes, but the fact that she wasn’t as good as all the other girls, discouraged her. At some point she turned to art and drawing; but she quit that too, because she felt like she wasn’t good enough. She was always envious of people who were passionate; those who spent their time doing something they enjoyed; people who put everyone in awe of their work. Elena always thought she could never be one of those people, because she felt talentless. She didn’t have a particular passion. She also always thought of herself as a quitter. She was never courageous and gave in to the fear. The fear of failure. That night she thought of more reasons why she could never be good enough for him. She thought about how she wasn’t funny to keep him laughing. She didn’t even have any interesting stories to tell because she always lived an ordinary life. She was also very isolated and could not open up. She could go on all night with the list, but she decided to forget about him. 

His image kept coming back. She couldn’t get him out of her head no matter how much she tried. Her heart always beat fast even when she was thinking about him. She closed her eyes in an attempt to attain peace, even just for a few seconds. Soon, the night became quiet and she drifted in a somewhat peaceful slumber for once in a long time. 

The next day she woke up and got ready for school. She looked at herself in the mirror again and tried to boost her confidence. She didn’t like what she saw but at least she pretended like she did as an attempt to have him like her back. She was hoping to see him again. He was the reason she got up from the bed this morning even if last night she convinced herself she will never be good enough for him. She can never forget the first time she saw him. He held the door out for her. Such a simple act of chivalry. She instantly fell in love with him. She particularly remembers his eyes, his dark blue eyes. She remembers looking through his ocean colored eyes. It was as if she was able to look through his soul. For the first time she felt happy and hopeful that day. He was a masterpiece in her eyes. He was her heroic perfection, her prince charming, her Zac Effron; but most of all he was her EVERYTHING. She recalls every small detail about him. His smile. His beautiful smile. It gave her butterflies in her stomach even just thinking about it. She always daydreamed about kissing him; feeling his soft luscious lips against hers. Putting her hands in his soft brown hair. Feeling his toned body against hers. She wondered what it feels like to be loved by someone. What it feels like to have someone by your side that cares about you. She imagined all these scenarios about dating him. She made up conversations in her head. It was the only way she could cope with the pain. She was heartbroken. It is not easy to love someone so much and not have them love you back. She wondered if he even knew who she was; if he even knew her name. Even though she knew she had no chance with him but deep in her heart she had this tiny piece of hope that told her things would work out; She had this tiny piece of hope that he would be her soul mate and love her back; that he would be able to look through her and see her beauty and potential. What if she would be able to get a happily ever after with him. As a kid she always liked watching Disney movies; she was in love with the idea of being a princess and finding her prince charming. When she grew up older, she thought she was going to fall in love and live happily ever after with her dream guy. 

Once at school she saw him in the hallway. She knew where his locker was. She walked by there after school, in an attempt to see him. He looked at her and her heart skipped a beat. She felt as if her body was melting into the ground. She was frustrated because she loved him but there was nothing she could do about it. She loved him with every single cell of her body. A big part of her just wanted to go to him and kiss him and tell him how she feels. The other part reminded her that she had no chance with him. He was popular, handsome and athletic. He would never go out with a girl like Elena. His beauty strikes her. She wanted to move on, but she couldn’t. He was like her cocaine. She was addicted to him. The thought of him got her out of the bed every morning. She could not just move on. She could not just walk away from her first love. What if, he was her soulmate? Her one and only true love? She would be nothing without his love. She felt like her love for him filled an empty void inside of her. She would feel so empty without his love. Even looking at him made her feel cheerful. It made her hopeful in life. She felt so conflicted and confused with nothing much to do. None of this really mattered when she suddenly saw him kissing another girl. It felt like as if someone was literally ripping her heart out of her chest. Even though she knew nothing would ever happen between them but the tiny piece of hope that she had was gone. Her dreams shattered. She started feeling that void inside of her heart again. It hurt so bad. She has never felt a pain this bad. That day she went home and ate many more Oreos until she felt like her stomach was about to explode and could hardly breathe. She still saw his shadow in her head. His image of kissing the girl kept playing in her head; as if it was incarnated in her brain.

She gained about twelve pounds and took many prescriptions to feel okay. He was her everything. She couldn’t take back the love that she had for him. Part of her thought that he was the one; that he was her soulmate. She knew she had to move on; that she had to forget about him like she did with every other boy whom she loved. She could not expect other people to love her when she did not love herself. The only person that made her feel inferior was herself. Every day she tried to hide, and nobody was able to see her potential and beauty. Her name was Elena. She was sixteen all alone, isolated, sitting in her room. Elena could see the shadow of the moonlight in her room.  It was a regular night for her. Crying. She was haunted by her thoughts. She couldn’t push them away, no matter how much she tried, but she couldn’t; almost as if she was cursed. 

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