Her body, Her skin, and most importantly her soul…. she was gone. She left the world with one thought, one jump, and with one last breath. The worse call a parent or loved one can get is the call that her parents received from the police during the morning of July 27, 2017.
“Today on the news, a young woman named Axia Seien, age 17 has committed suicide this evening at Salt Creek, Dana Point at 8:42 am. The reason is still under investigation, – stay tuned until further notice. ”
She left everyone with questions and tears, no one knew this was coming and the sad part is nobody noticed, and I didn’t even see this coming…..is it because I didn’t pay attention? was it because I didn’t care as much as I should have? was it because of me? why… just why did you do this Axia..why?
I questioned myself every day since the incident, I just couldn’t understand. I cried so much that day, and as a guy, it was a sign of weakness but that day was when I lost someone special, a person I loved….
I will never get over this, I will never forget about her. Our memories replay in my head like a movie…it haunts me so much to the point where I wake up in the middle of the night crying…. I honestly miss her so much, my life without her turned into a nightmare, I am not the same person no more, she is all I think of nowadays….
(The day of the incident, Axia’s perspective)
I don-don’t know. My head tells me to do it, my head tells me its okay…..but I know that I am working my mind I am the person putting all these things in my head but….. I knew that it was enough, I just could-couldn’t do it anymore… I gave up. I live in pure sadness, I just wish I was happy, I wish I was loved. I knew many people cared for me, but I just didn’t love myself enough to get that through my head. I had many things in my mind…. so much hatred in my veins and so much sadness that I got to the point where I was thinking about killing myself for weeks, which then turned into months. I was only happy with one person, that person made me smile and feel loved but the thing is I couldn’t accept it because afterward, it was like resuming back into my life…I felt like nothing changed each time I left.
(11 hours before the incident) I remember going to his house ….and the last thing I told him was, “you always cared for me and I love you for that but forgive me, please… I know that its hard for me to explain my emotions but I love you so much… please promise me I will always stay in your heart, and please never forget me… I will always be in your heart, but please forgive me.”– hugged him one last time him, I was squeezing him tight… I didn’t want to let him go but, I had to at some point, I left by giving him one last kiss. I was trembling…I didn’t want to leave him. I cried so much to the point where I ran out of tears and couldn’t breathe…..
In the end, I only had one thing on my mind…I don’t know how I got there, no one stopped me. The only thing I remember is that I was standing at the edge of a cliff. I felt the cool ocean breeze, I immediately knew where I was…I opened my eyes and all I see is the moon reflecting off the ocean….It was a perfect beauty but, it was not meant for me. I looked down and I see the waves crashing against rocks. I stared at the rocks for a couple minutes, each wave made a huge splash. In my mind, I was thinking “such beauty with a touch of poison”, the sea isn’t as perfect as it seems, it has its dangerous creatures and it’s more of a mystery than the land I stand on. I felt this relief come over me… I knew that this is the time and place, and I was sure of it. No one cared, No one stopped me, and the sad part is no one had noticed anything when the signs were visible.
The Ocean my favorite place…. my safe haven, and I knew I would end like this. I planned this for weeks, I was sure of it. It was all planned…the day, the hour, and the goodbyes. I chose this route for a reason and I never looked back, and I never looked away from my intention. I looked at it as my main purpose…I wanted it to be this way. My birth was planned and my death is planned, I was born to die.
My last words, “My Lucca….my…Lucca”. One step, One breath, and One last thought.
…..I took the step forward….