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The Red Notes: Living Life as I Do

By @SmolFeets

Note to self: next time you feel the urge to speak, don’t

She doesn’t care about you and she never will

I can’t breathe

The intense discomfort at the existence of my straining internal organs… I want to rip them out, violently and with force and angry to alleviate this internal itch, this begging for something immaterial, for no more…

That might be a little too depressing… sorry

I wish I was better at falling asleep because consciousness hurts but the time between that and unconsciousness is proof of Satan’s existence

My heart won’t stop racing… who is it running from?

There is something so calming so reassuring so homely about skipping a meal, about not deserving food and depriving yourself as a testament to your strength, to your fortitude, to your inhumanness

I wanna dye my hair black

If I sleep on my side I smash my sternum in and the bruises on my lungs hold on for days… my shoulders stretch inward seemingly wanting to press inside my body to remeld with the centers… they only want to be included

I can’t catch my breath today

DON’T

I can’t breathe and my hands are shaking

It is much too hot in here

I should get more sleep

If she really cared why did she leave?

Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it: the pain, the anxiety, the stress, the financial burden I will vary for years to come. Everywhere I turn they tell me YES but my feeble faith and disbelief says NO

********, stop talking, you idiot

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