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Once upon a…blah…blah…blah,
we’ve all heard that a million times at this point,
the pretty, little, princess gets saved by the strong handsome prince, the plot of every fairy tale, ever.
Sometimes I think fairy tales were just made to oppress little girls from the grand age of three.
So if you haven’t been scared off by my, lets say passionate intro, here’s the story I wish someone had read to me as a little girl,
Here’s the Real Rapunzel.
Long, long ago there lived a woman called Rapunzel, who just couldn’t be bothered to get a haircut. (here’s, the bit where I tell you how pretty she was but hear me out, what if we focused on a woman’s personally instead of body, I know that’s a radical idea but let’s give it a go)
She was a strong, outspoken and stubborn lady, which p***ed a lot of people off. She was rebellious and independent, which made a lot of people enraged.
“Oi, I’m joining your cavalry” Rapunzel announced as she bragged into the kings dining room
“Is she the entertainment, your highness?” asked one of the kings fellow posh t**ts
“She in fact, is not” the king answered “In fact, I have no idea who she is”
“My names Rapunzel an’ I’m joining your cavalry” she introduced herself
The men began to laugh, “Don’t be so silly, you stupid little girl” the king said between laughs
“A girl can’t do a MANS…”
“Don’t patronize me” Rapunzel interrupted,
“You just got burnt” yelled his fellow posh t**ts (well, something along those lines)
“I beg your pardon” The king was enraged, no one had ever burnt him like that in front of the lads before.
“I’ll ‘ave you know that I’m great at fighting and ‘orse riding”
“You can’t riding sidesaddle in a battle, you imbosol” the king began to laugh again, along with his fellow posh t**ts ( I honestly don’t know what else to call them),
“oh my lord, I completely forgot about that never mind” Rapunzel said sarcastically ” ‘ere’s an idea for ya, maybe I could wear trousers”.
The king and his fellow posh t**ts looked shocked.
“Are you loony, women can’t wear trousers!!!” the king looked disturbed.
“Why, just cos woman don’t have…”
“ENOUGH!!!” bellowed the king “how did you even get it?”
“Punched your watchmen’s light’s out, din’t ” Rapunzel responded.
“YOU WHAT!!!” yelled the king mainly out of anger but he was a little impressed.
“Am I in or what?” she asked
“Of course not!!” the king answered
“But I’m clearly stronger then the lads you ‘ave hired”
The king went silent for a moment, then an idea popped into his head, Rapunzel had always been a problem to him wouldn’t it be nice to see her out of the picture for good.
“Fine” he answered with a smug look on his face “but you have to earn it first’s”
“Alright” she grinned
“You must fight a warrior of my choice, to death. If you win you can join my cavalry. However, if you don’t you’ll be dead so…. you won’t be able to join” his fellow t**ts looked up at him like he was a lady in trousers.
“Agreed?” he walked over and shook Rapunzel’s hand “Friday evening in the market place” he finished and with that Rapunzel left the room. He was sure that his warrior could defeat Rapunzel anytime, oh how he was mistaken.
By Friday evening the market place was full of old hags taking their young impressionable children to watch someone get killed (you know your classic Friday night entertainment). The king had chosen his best man William Dickson to fight Rapunzel and he was looking forward to seeing him kill her (he was a true gentleman). However, Rapunzel had other plans. Not only was she a strong girl but a smart girl she know exactly what the king was doing and was looking forward to seeing the look on his face as she killed his best fighter.
And so the battle began, (I’d love to say that it was a tight and long epic battle but that wouldn’t be true, would it). The king was sitting ready to watch Rapunzel bleed to death and so was horrified to see William dead on the ground within minutes. Rapunzel took a bow and with a smug expression looked the king dead in the eye.
The king began to panic what could he do, there was no way he was going to have a WOMAN defending his country that would but one step closer to equality, he’s biggest fear. He had to come up with some excuse. Then it hit him,
“WITCH” he cried, Rapunzel looked p****d to say the least.
“Oi, I won fair and square” she yelled as the guards took her away and for the purpose of this story locked her in a dark tall tower (instead of instantly killing her).
Rapunzel sat on the ground of the dark tall tower muttering to herself when she saw a glimpse of light come from outside her door. The king unlocked it and walked in.
“Is little Rapunzel sad to be locked in her room” he teased
“F**k off” she replied.
“Oh, it your time of the month, moody hag”
She just looked up at him with a great want to strangle him.
“Look” he began ” I know we got off on the wrong foot so how about you say you cheated because you have an overwhelming crush on my handsome self and wanted to impress me. I say I let you off the hook because I’m so irresistible that I couldn’t blame you for what love made you do, okay?”
“Do I look like the kinda girl you can manipulate?” she snarled
“Yeah, you look like a woman don’t you and manly woman but a woman never the less”
“Well, I’d rather be burned at the stake or spend the rest of my days in here than make you look like some twisted ‘ero, so F**k off!!!”.
The king looked completely flabbergasted,
“Well, have it your way then” and with that he stormed out of the room leaving Rapunzel in the dark once more.
“Idiot” she said to herself as looked out the narrow window. She waited until the king was gone. She know exactly what he was going to do, he was going to go to the town pub and say that he tried to save her but that he couldn’t pretend to love her the way she loved him and that she had killed herself due to a broken heart, so predictable, what do you think he said about sleeping beauty (he really just spiked her drink and bang made up some story about love and everyone loved him once more). However, Rapunzel wasn’t going to be so easy to break.
Rapunzel tied her long hair up into a messing bun and hopped out the window. She hit the ground hard shouted “F**k” many times and then just dealt with the pain (falling from a five story tower is nothing pain wise when you’ve been oppressed your entire live). She jumped up and ran through the wood and into town (she had a sense of direction and was a woman, have you ever heard of the likes of it!!!).
When she got to the pub the kings cart was already there and he was already in there spinning some elaborate story, just how she had wanted this to go.
She stood outside the pub ready for her moment, she waited for the claps to begin and then bragged into the pub.
The king was standing up and taking a bow with men clapping around him when she did this. They all looked at her in pure shock, the king looked terrified.
“Don’t no one ever tell ya that is rude ta stare” Rapunzel smiled. The crowed of men look up at the king again waiting for some explanation.
“WITCH” He bellowed and pointed at Rapunzel.
“Oh, F**k off” she responded. With this she took her hair down, walked over the to bar and sat down on one of the stools,
“Pint please, love” she said to the barmaid.
Don’t fear, I know what your thinking, it won’t be a fairy tale without a handsome prince in it would it. He’s in the pub, absolutely hammered trying to get Rapunzel to snog him but instead Rapunzel gave him a box cos that’s the type of woman I want to you up to, the type of woman who can fight for herself and handle her drink better then any man.