The McConnell-Dahlstrom Epic

By @Anonymous_Llama
The McConnell-Dahlstrom Epic

We were friends, but then everything changed. WARNING: Not a light read.

Chapter 1

The Truths of the Eraser

On the day, April 17, 2017, in the confines of Kennedy Middle School lurked two prophets, each holding the power of the great master Neptune. They were named Anika McConnell and Thalia Dahlstrom, and they were members of the Neptunian Four, a squad of prophets made to serve the great master Neptune. In an effort to defeat the evil Plankton and a mysterious trio of evildoers called the Trinity of Evil, they channelled the power of Neptune to create the Mystical Eraser, a magical item that could tell them anything, any truth in the entire universe. And so they asked it many things, including their own fate and the fate of others, including their literature teacher Ms. Keeton (who surely holds the power of the evil Plankton) and their history teacher Mr. Lima, and they wrote down its answers in a list of truths, which has been transcribed below:

1. Q: Are Ms. Keeton’s projects stupid?

    A: Yes

2. Q: Is Ms. Keeton evil?

    A: Yes

3. Q: Is Room 13 (Ms. Keeton’s room) a place of terrors?

    A: Yes

4. Q: Is Mr. Lima an alien in disguise?

    A: No

5. Q: Is Mr. Lima a super spy?

    A: Yes

6. Q: Is Mrs. McKeown (the prophets’ science teacher) an alien in disguise?

    A: No

7. Q: Is Ms. Keeton a donkey?

    A: No

8. Q: Are we good children?

    A: Yes

9. Q: Is Ms. Keeton an alien in disguise?

    A: Yes

10. Q: Is Mr. Lima on a secret mission to teach/improve Brandon (a pesky student in Anika’s class)?

    A: Yes

11. Q: Are we superheroes?

    A: Yes

12. Q: Are we both going to have B’s in Ms. Keeton’s class?

    A: Yes

13. Q: Does Ms. Keeton have a boyfriend?

    A: Yes

14. Q: Is Ms. Keeton from Pluto?

    A: No

15. Q: Is Ms. Keeton from Venus?

    A: Yes

16. Q: Does Ms. Keeton (who is rather chunky) have a gym membership?

    A: No

17. Q: Is Thalia’s handwriting really bad?

    A: Yes

18. Q: Is the Mystical Eraser drawing its power from Neptune?

    A: Yes

19. Q: Is Ms. Keeton Satan?

    A: Yes

20. Q: Does Mrs. McKeown have a secret lab?

    A: Yes

21. Q: Is Miss Seaman (a particularly villainous math teacher) a supervillain?

    A: Yes

22. Q: Can you trust no one?

    A: Yes

23. Q: Is Mr. Lima’s mission (see Truth #10) a cover mission?

    A: Yes

24. Q: Does Mr. Lima fight Ms. Keeton?

    A: No

25. Q: Does Mr. Lima fight Miss Seaman?

    A: No

26. Q: Does Mr. Lima hate Eli (a rather pesky student in Thalia’s class)?

    A: Yes

27. Q: Is Mr. Lima’s mission to fight Eli?

    A: Yes

28. Q: Is Eli part of the Trinity of Evil?

    A: Yes

29. Q: Does Eli support Plankton?

    A: No

30. Q: Does Eli support Squidward?

    A: Yes

31. Q: Is Mr. Lima part of the Neptunian Four?

    A: Yes

32. Q: Is Ms. Keeton part of the Trinity of Evil?

    A: Yes

33. Q: Is Ms. McKeown evil?

    A: Yes

34. Q: Is Ms. McKeown Squidward?

    A: No

35. Q: Is Ms. McKeown actually Mr. Krabs?

    A: Yes

36. Q: Are we (Anika and Thalia) part of the Neptunian Four?

    A: Yes

37. Q: Is Brandon a professor in disguise?

    A: Yes

38. Q: Is Asmaki (a friend of the prophets Anika and Thalia) a part of the Neptunian Four?

    A: Yes

39. Q: Is Irene (another friend of the prophets) part of the Trinity of Evil?

    A: No

40. Q: Is Ashley (an enemy of the prophets but friend of Irene) part of the Trinity of Evil?

    A: No

41. Q: Are Anika, Thalia, and Asmaki Divergent?

    A: Yes

42. Q: Is Lloyd (an enemy of the prophets) a part of the Trinity of Evil?

    A: Yes

43. Q: Is Ashley Ms. Puffs?

    A: Yes

44. Q: Does a watermelon hold ancestors’ knowledge?

    A: No

45. Q: Does an apple hold ancestors’ knowledge?

    A: Yes

46. Q: Did Anika accidentally eat her ancestors’ knowledge?

    A: Yes

47. Q: Do grapes hold ancestors’ knowledge?

    A: Yes

48. Q: Did Thalia accidentally eat her ancestors’ knowledge?

    A: Yes

49. Q: Do we (the prophets Anika and Thalia) suck at life?

    A: Yes

50. Q: Is Ms. Keeton really bad at dancing?

    A: Yes

51. Q: Are we (the prophets Anika and Thalia) “smart” (the prophets’ term for “stupid”)?

    A: Yes

52. Q: Is Thalia Dauntless?

    A: Yes

53. Q: Is Anika Abnegation?

    A: Yes

54. Q: Is Asmaki Amity?

    A: Yes

55. Q: Is Willena (a friend of the prophets Anika and Thalia) Dauntless?

    A: Yes

The above is a list of great, universal, permanent Truths and cannot be altered by the prophets or anyone else determined to control their own fate.

However, one fateful day, May the Tenth of 2017, Thalia was to ask if the evil Ms. Keeton was to be fired soon, and when she tossed the Mystical Eraser up into the air, it bounced and landed underneath a small crack in a ramp leading to the classroom Room 37, never to be seen again. Frantic, Anika and Thalia tried to fish it out, but they were unsuccessful. Thus, the Mystical Eraser was lost, and Anika and Thalia lost prophet status due to Thalia’s fateful mistake. Perhaps it was not fair for Anika to lose her prophetic powers, but Neptune’s decision was final. Cast out from the prophet circles were Anika and Thalia, and so they had to find a new path. They were unable to find a new path before the Eighth of June, 2017, and then, they graduated from middle school. However, high school was still to come…

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