The 'Fun' in Dysfunctional

By @prpl_ppl_eatr

The 'Fun' in Dysfunctional

By @prpl_ppl_eatr

When Hercules' daughter takes Ares' place, Mount Olympus is in for a wild ride.

Chapter 1

About 10 years ago, Ares seduced, well, not really, more like took advantage, of Artemis. Artemis didn’t remember it, but Apollo saw it while it was happening, and went straight to Zeus. As Zeus was listening, he got furious. Besides, Artemis is, well, was, the virgin goddess. That’s what made her who she was. And Ares took that from her. So, Zeus asked, no, demanded, Hades to make a potion that turns immortals mortal. Zeus put it in his wine, because that’s all the gods ever drank anymore(the goddesses had much more class), and killed Ares on the spot, and because they needed someone to take his place, preferably female, that’s where I come in. My name is Amethyst, goddess of peace and virtue, which is as far away from Ares as you can get. At first, I didn’t even want to be here. I’m literally the only one who isn’t inbred. My father is Hercules, and my mother is a mortal woman named Meg. I’m sure you all know the story. Hades steals Hercules when he was a baby, tries to get rid of his immortality, and fails. Hercules meets Phil, Phil teaches him how to be a hero, and Hercules saves Meg. Phil tries to get her, but in the end, the one who actually resembles a human gets the girl. Hera gifted Meg with immortality, and then I happened, and I stop World War 7, but only because I can manipulate people’s feelings. So, I got Ares’ spot. Yay me.

Fast forward 2 years, and here we are. 

“Amethyst!!!! WHERE IS YOUR FATHER?” Zeus yells.

“How in the name of Kronos am I supposed to know? He doesn’t like the fact that I’m an Olympian, so he doesn’t speak to me. And I still don’t have a throne or a symbol.”

“He’s your father. You’re supposed to speak to each other. And have Hephaestus make your throne. Your symbol can literally be whatever you want, as long as it isn’t provocative.” I can’t believe he’s telling me not to be provocative when he’s a freaking rapist. Not to mention he walks around making obscene gestures at Hera.

“Well, I’m going to find Hephaestus. And find Dad on your own. He’s your son.” Oh, my gods, he’s irritating.

                                    . . .

“Hey Aphrodite, where’s your husband?” 

“Oh, Amethyst, I’m too depressed to think about him. My Ares is gone forever.” Talk about melodramatic. “ I’m just so sad. But, maybe check one of the volcanoes. Will you please leave now? I wish to suffer in solitude.”

Well, off to the volcanoes I go. 

As I walk to the nearest volcano, I hear Hephaestus’ gravelly voice.

“You’d think Aphrodite would love me after Ares was killed, but no. She’s too heartbroken to pay any attention to me. Why is she, of all people, my wife?? I’d much rather be single.”

“She’s your wife because Zeus felt bad for you and wanted you to have something beautiful,” I say behind the wall of smoke between us. “At least she isn’t having any more affairs.”

“Oh, hi Amethyst. How much did you hear?”

“You mean from the part about Aphrodite not loving you after Ares, or was there more?” 

“That was all of it. What do you need, my niece?”

“A throne. And a sense of welcome. But, mainly, a throne.”

“Okay then. What do you want? Something amethyst? Ha. Did you get my joke?? No, that’s fine.”

“Hephaestus, it wasn’t funny. And, no, I don’t want an amethyst throne. I want an amber throne. With blue lotus flowers wrapped around it. And a blue feather cushion on the seat. Oh, and it needs a mini-fridge and a microwave at the base.” 

“Got it. I’ll have it done in 3 days tops. Bye.”

“Bye.” Hopefully, it isn’t terrible.

                                                        . . .

“Did you find my hideous child? Or your father?” Zeus asked snobbishly.

“Yes, I found Hephaestus. Dad, well, he’s still a lost cause.”

“That’s just great. I found you a husband. What will your throne look like?”

“ Well, it’ll be amb…Wait. You did what?”

“I found you a husband, now back to your throne.” 

“No. Who is he?”

“What makes you think he’s a he?”

“Zeus. Now.”

“Helios, the sun god.”

“Are you kidding me right now?? I’m not getting married. Ever. I don’t want to end up like you lunatics. Are you insane?”

“Actually, I am. Just meet him. It’ll all turn out fine. He’s extremely handsome.”

“Uh-huh. Sure he is. I’m not marrying him. I’m related to him.” Yikes. He’s turning red. If only my power worked on immortals too.


“I hear you. But, if I have to marry one of you inbred weirdos, I’m leaving for good. I’m not letting my children suffer because you think it’s okay to impregnate your sisters. I’m going to walk away now. Anything else you want to try and make me do? Oh, and before I forget, my symbol is a lotus flower and I’m moving to my father’s house. You know, the one he never stayed in, because y’all are psychos. Bye.”

“Bye… Wait, we aren’t done here. Come back.” 

“No. I’m going to find my mother. You know, the mortal woman who gave birth to me, in case you had forgotten. Bye” 

First stop, Sparta.

When I get there, I can hear my mother singing. 

“Hey, Mom. Zeus is trying to get me to marry Helios. I don’t want my children to end up like that.”

“Oh, sweetpea, It’ll be okay. Don’t worry about it. Your daddy will fix it. Zeus owes him. Have you talked to Hephaestus?”

“Uh, yeah. I have. He said he’ll have my throne done in no more than 3 days.”

“What will it look like?”

“It’ll be amber with blue lotuses wrapped around it. Can I move into yours and Dad’s duplex on Mount Olympus?”

“Sure, honey. Why not? We’re never going to use it. Speaking of Dad, have you talked to him?”

“No. He doesn’t want to talk to me. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I just want him to be proud.”

“Baby, he is proud. He’s just not happy with Zeus right now. He’ll get over it. Promise.”

“Yeah, but when? I didn’t ask to be here. Why is Daddy taking it out on me? If he’s proud of me, he’d be speaking to me.”

“I know. Talk to him about Helios and Zeus. He should be at the Parthenon. He was going to meet with Athena. They should be about done.”

“Thanks, Mom. Love you,” and I walk away. 

About 15 minutes later, I’m at the Parthenon, dreading talking to my father. Hopefully, he isn’t here.

“Right, Athena. That makes complete sense, Okay, bye.” Well, looks like luck is not in my favor today. “Oh, hey sugar plum. What are you doing here?”

“Mom told me where to find you. Can you talk to Ze-”

“Grandfather or grandpa. You know the rules.”

“Right. Can you talk to my grandfather?”

“Sure. What for?”

“He wants me to marry Helios.”

“WHAT?!? Oh no. That can’t happen. You’re supposed to have a life. You’re supposed to fall in love. You aren’t supposed to be here. He had his chance to raise his kids. He doesn’t get to raise mine. Not if I have anything to say about it. Let’s go find him.”

                                    . . .

“ZEUS!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU??!!?!?”

“Hello, Hercules. Amethyst.” Zeus gives us both a curt nod.

“Why are you marrying off my daughter?”

“What are you talking about? I’d do no such thing.”

“So my daughter’s a liar?? Dad, we’re already not on good terms, so I’d watch my mouth if I were you. Just saying. She isn’t marrying Helios. He’s psychotic.”

“Yes, she is.”


“Well, she is. And as long as she’s here, she follows my rules.”

“Then she’s leaving. Let’s go, honeybunch.”

“You can’t take her. She lives here.”

“Try me. I dare you. You know full well what I’ll do to you if you mess with my child.”

“FIne. But, she’s marrying whoever and whenever I want her to. Got it?”

“No. She’s not marrying any of you freaks. She deserves more than you.”

“Hey Zeus, where’s- What are you fighting about now?” Hera says.

“Mom, he’s trying to marry off Amethyst. And I won’t have it.”

“He’s what?! Zeus, are you crazy? Amethyst isn’t ready to marry.”

“Yes, she-”

“Zeus. No. That’s enough. Amethyst, your throne is finished.”

“Thanks, Grandma.”

“No problem. Now, go do something spontaneous. Now, boys, this discussion is over. Amethyst isn’t getting married until Amethyst wants to. End of story. Hercules go spend time with your wife and Zeus, shouldn’t you be off getting more mortals pregnant like some tramp?”

                                                         THE END

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  1. DarkWolf

    OMG i laughed SOO much this is the most funniest and real thing i have ever seen

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    Reply 0 Replies Jan 1, 2020

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