October 8, 2019
I feel off… I feel like there is something missing… Like I need to improve some area of my life, but I have not the slightest clue where to start. I feel like it should be my career, but I’m pretty stagnant where I’m at right now. I can’t go into sales because of the hold on my Department. Maybe I should go back to school?
But that brings about the other questions that come with it… What in the holy **** would I go for?
Do I really want to spend the next some odd years of my life going to school for a degree that I don’t even know that I’m going to use?
Do I want to spend even more time paying back these school loans for a degree that I may not even end up using?
Or should I just stay at the job that I’m at and move up the ladder?- Which I am happy to do. I enjoy my job…
But even that freaks me out because if something happens down the road that I have no control over puts me out of a growing career and I have to start all over again, I’m going to feel even ******** about myself.
It sounds like I should look into schools and weigh my options but I don’t know where to start? General studies? Good idea.
Something else that freaks me out… Love interest. I can feel in every fiber of my being… Him. He goes through me, like electricity. I forgot how much I missed the way his body wraps me entirely when he holds me. I’m on the right path I don’t feel scared when I’m with him. I don’t worry about anything.
He will never cease to try to make me happy. He will always put a smile on my face. And it took me walking away 2 and a half almost 3 years ago to come to that realization. The only problem with all of this is that I am not able to recognize my own effect on him.
I know love is not a competition but I feel like I can’t compete with his love. And because I can’t I feel incompetent and I feel like I am the failure of the relationship.
His love just seems so much more pure than mine. He has never done anything to purposefully hurt me. His love is innocent and he just wants me to be happy. He does everything with me in mind.
With that being said I’m afraid that I cannot compare to that. I’m afraid that I am going to hurt him. Why? Multiple reasons…
My mind plays tricks on me. Convinces me that I’m the problem. But a lot of the times I’m not, I just take everything so personally and internalize it. I let it build and it eats at me.
I suffer in silence because I feel like I don’t need to bring anyone else down. Shut your ***** mouth and do it even if it makes you miserable… SMILE.
Then, without even realizing it, I distance myself and push everyone away and throw myself into a vicious cycle.. And it ends with me being unhappy. Then I convince myself that there is a problem, and I wipe everything clear and find myself resenting the very thing that I wiped clear.
It happened with him the first time… I hate that feeling… Resentment…
I don’t even know what I resented him for–> For “holding me back” from being myself? I don’t think I’ll ever “find myself”. I don’t think anyone ever fully does.
I was so confused… Why did I distance myself from him? He gave up everything for me… But because I felt like he just kept me around to keep him company. He did whatever he could to make me happy and once he did, he would ignore me, but not intentionally.
But I felt like a burden in his life, like a needy roommate that was a chore to have. Whatever to keep me “happy”–> Quiet… That’s how I felt… I realize now, that was his release, football and video games.
I wanted to be his release. And I felt like I was not what he wanted his release to be. He didn’t know how to be my release. And I obviously didn’t know how to be his release because if I did, I would have been and I wasn’t.
But instead of trying.. I walked away.
And I was the one who caused the most destruction… DESTRUCTIVE. I’m destructive. I’m scared I am going to **** it up again. My mind… Is very powerful.
But I second guess, get scared and fight or flight kicks in and while I have fought before most of the time I take flight. I wipe EVERYTHING clean… So yes, I’m scared because I don’t want to wipe everything clean right now–> But what if I get to that point again..?
What then? What if I can’t fight?! Or if I let it get to a point where I don’t even feel like it’s something worth fighting for again?
So… That’s reason number one..
I almost made one of the biggest mistakes of my adult life. I almost said the two little words that come with signing your life away.
I almost married the wrong person… Under a year ago…
What the actual ****?!
I know the key word in all of those sentences is almost but that is a big almost. I know that a part of me knew it was never going to happen, but it obviously didn’t start that way.
I have had these feelings before, but that is what scares me. If you are able to feel it more than once is it really as magical as everyone perceives it to be?!
Should I be this scared to feel something that makes me feel so good? I just don’t want to end up running because I know I will. Nothing stopped me the first time.
I thought I knew what I was doing.. But I didn’t. I jumped because I thought I could change the person and I couldn’t have been more wrong in doing so.
You aren’t able to change anyone. But you shouldn’t have to change the person, nor should you want to if you are in love with them. That’s when it hit me..
Being in love with him was so easy and in the three years I was with him, felt like nothing compared to the completely different lifetime that it felt like when I was engaged. Love shouldn’t be a chore.. I just don’t want it to ever reach that point.
And I am afraid that it will be too late before it gets to that point… and I am having a REALLY hard time moving forward with even the first steps of a possible love interest because I don’t ever want a decision like marriage to be a mistake that I make.
So, I need to tone it all the **** down and not think about love. But I obviously know, that with him being five years older than me, that he doesn’t just want a relationship. He doesn’t want just someone to take up his time.
He wants someone to spend the rest of his life with.. I want to spend the rest of my life with somebody too, and right now I want no one but him to be the one that I put my all into. I want to share everything with him but I feel like that could be deceiving..
What if years from now I just want to wash my hands… Or what if it’s the other way around?!
Will I get bored of this so called feeling of being in love?! Or just used to it and unappreciative of it’s effects on me? I don’t want any of those outcomes.. I don’t know if I have a soul mate. I wasn’t born into this world with one I don’t think. If I was, than he has to be the one..
I wouldn’t have gone crawling back with revelations upon evaluations if he wasn’t.. I just want so badly to be right..
But I won’t know until I do… And that scares me because how will I know?! ****…
I already dated him. Aren’t you supposed to learn from your mistakes? Do I consider him a mistake? No.
So what exactly are you scared of then if you know he wasn’t a mistake?! I’m scared that history will repeat itself. I am scared that nothing will change.
While it feels like it has already changed between the two of us.. Who is to say that another 3 years down the road we get comfortable like we were the first time and we fall back into our old habits without realizing it?! What if we don’t realize it and we let it all go up in flames again..?
Would it have been all for nothing? For something?
Would it be a mistake then?
I don’t want to be without him ever again.. but I also don’t want to be here with him for the fear of hurting him because I am destructive.
He tells me all the time “Love doesn’t have a score board baby.” that all he wants is me, every second of every day for the rest of our lives together.
I don’t understand how someone can be hurt by somebody and still be insatiably in love with them… Actually I do.
But that love can go away I know that because while I was in love, the bad outweighed the good and it pushed me to fall out of love and into resentment. Not necessarily with him. That was not the case. But I have been in that exact scenario. Love to resentment. Not overnight, gradually….. Until he was nothing to me.
I don’t want that fate ever again. That’s just it though. You never know how a situation or relationship or scenario will end. You can hope and wish and envision allllllllllllllllll you want… But you have to look at your reality and adjust accordingly.
So….. The big question. How in the **** do I approach this?!
I have no idea. But if I know one thing… It is that I can’t keep running away from everything. Something odd though that keeps me holding on….. I want only to be in his arms.. I don’t want to run. Strange. And the idea of him touching me doesn’t make me want to strangle him.. So that’s good.. Here we go………………