Diary of a girl with Depression
I dread going home and long for it at the same time. I know once I get to be alone I can finally let go. I can accept the way I feel and deal with it. The scary part is what if I can’t deal with it? What if I cant work it out? It’s like willingly walking into a cave knowing it’s dark, scary and possibly full of monsters. Will you come back out? or are you doomed to be in that cave forever?
It’s dark and heavy. It’s on me. It’s so heavy I cant stand up right. I feel like a black blob of heavy dark matter is clinging on to my back forcing me to give it attention. why is it there? why do I feel this way? I’m tired. I’m sad. I want to lay down. The bed is nice. I can lay there all day and nothing will hurt me there. People cant talk to me, I cant get mad or angry or feel bad If i’m asleep right?
I feel like depression is a being; like my own personal demon. He comes and visits me bringing with him this heavy blanket of sadness. So today I did something different. When I’m sad I want someone to console me. When I’m mad I want to vent to someone… so what if I treated my demon the same way? If I like to be comforted then wouldn’t depression? What if I acknowledged it, and welcomed it like an old friend? Would we make peace?
Today when I woke up he was already here. Looming over me. Forcing me to look through his glasses. When I see like he does everything is gray. There is no color, no joy it’s cold and hopeless. I don’t like when he makes me see this way. So I tried to compromise. I thought the sun always makes me feel nice. wouldn’t it be nice to go for a walk? you and me depression?
It was difficult to stand at first he didn’t want to go. I could feel his pull and tug to get back into bed it was like he was reminding me how comfortable it was. If I go for a walk I would have to put clothes on and do my hair. I couldn’t go out like this. That means that Id have to shower find something to wear and fix myself. ALL that for a little walk? maybe not. plus he has a point, is it worth it?
I can’t stand people. I want to quit my job. what’s the point? They don’t appreciate me..they don’t even like me. No wonder I stay in bed all day. This world is stupid, mean and not worth really being a part of it. I prefer to be alone. I prefer the isolation.
Another day…. How long will I feel like this. It’s starting to get so foggy in my head. Depression is still here. looming over me. It’s seems heavier to today and my room feels darker. I went to open the curtain but it was a lot heavier than I remembered and with this weight already on me I couldn’t open the curtain from my spot on the bed. I’m also hungry but, that means I’ll have to leave my bed.
There wasn’t anything I could eat with out having to put effort into making something, so I ate some cherry tomatoes. I forgot how much I liked them. I like that they are round and small and red. they are cute and they taste sweet and explode when you bite down on them. Depression seemed interested in them to because he got a little less heavy. Maybe i’ll make us a salad with left over tomatoes?
— I made that salad and it was so good. I forgot how much I love food. There are so many delicious foods and food is so colorful. Depression seems a little less gray now, maybe we can go outside now… We can sit in the sun.
—I finally went for that walk. I’m tired but that was nice.The fresh air felt good and I loved the feeling I got when the sun hits my skin. It felt nice. I guess the world isn’t so bad after all. It’s full of colors and nice things too.
Today I woke up and I didn’t feel heavy, I didn’t see in gray but I felt depression’s presence. I lay there waiting for him to blanket over me but he didn’t. I hesitantly got out of bed and he didn’t bother me. I went to work and I had a bit of fun. At one point I forgot about depression. He wasn’t there. where did he go?
I’ts been two weeks and there has been no signs of depression. I Know that he’ll more than likely stop by for a moment somewhere down the line but now that I see him as a friend I know that he Just wants what I want. To be taken care off, not ignored. Hopefully next time, I remember He likes to eat healthy and enjoys the sun too. Maybe that will make his stay more easier?