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The courage to leave my abuser

By @Alexise

How it started and ended

It all started out sweet, fun, and romantic. Every one talked about how much fun this girl was, but never anything bad. Except for her ex that tried to warn me, by saying “she did it to me, she’ll do it to you” but I didn’t listen, I was in the moment and having fun with her for now. At the beginning everything was great, we shared our passions and secrets together, we were inseparable, her friends became my friends and we had tons of fun, we went out, we partied, it was none stop for the first couple months. I introduced her to my son, and it felt like nothing could come in between us.. There was just something about her that made me crazy. In my mind I was in love after two weeks because of course everything was amazing, and then about two or three months later thats when it all started.

We lived together after just two weeks of being together, one night while in my room and my girlfriend on the couch downstairs, she was ignoring me, so I text her and said ” I’ll just find someone else to talk to” trying to get her attention, never got her attention so I walked down stairs and she starts yelling oh yeah you wanna find someone else to talk to in a very mad heavy voice, and then that was the very first time she had hit me. I cried and said I was joking and just wanted your attention, and then while sitting across the couch from her in tears and me holding my face, saying nothing, she then apologized and said “im sorry, I didn’t mean it, it wont ever happen again. I believed her, so I stayed.

Time passed by and she started to take her rage and anger out on me. I would get called names like **** and ***** and ” why dont you go back to your baby dad, I was disgusting and I didnt deserve her”

I felt lonely, sad, and confused.

A year had passed and the emotional abuse and physical abuse was still there, my parents saw something I hadn’t or didn’t want to believe, because it was always the same Im sorry and the same “I’ll change” every time, and I believed it. I’ll never forget a year into our relationship, and her throwing me against the wall me crying, because things had got so bad I wanted to leave, and the hardest part about that day was my son being just two years old and watching it all happen, clinging at my legs and saying get off my mommy, I never wanted him to witness any of that, it broke my heart, I finally told her to leave my house and take all of her things and not to come back. I was completely heart broken and some how believed it was my fault. I soon texted her a few hours later and told her to come back, i felt guilty and that it was my fault she even left in the first place.

It seemed every couple months after we fought we would make up and things would be great, and then it would just get bad again like a repeat cycle that was never ending.

Two years into our relationship, I lost my son to my ex. He won custody over my son, and he knew exactly what was going on between me and my girlfriend. I would text him and tell him things while she was gone, I confided in him and I thought he was there for me, he kept telling me it was best for our son, but I never believed him and saw the big picture he was trying to explain to me and i didnt want to believe what everyone was telling me.

My girlfriend soon found out I was texting him and would call me all names in the book, and at that point I was afraid to speak because i didn’t want to be hit again, because after all it was, my fault and i shouldve known better, by that time i was the one apologizing and always saying sorry. Three years into our relationship, I was at a low point in my life, I put myself down because I never did anything right, i would get yelled at for not making the right food, not doing her laundry or just in general not making her happy, she would throw away my food and say make something else, we would argue about it, get into a fight, sit and silence and then I would have my friends come pick me up, before it escalated anymore. At that point I barely had any friends or family, because I wasnt allowed to talk to them or that they were making me not want to be with her so I wasnt allowed to hang out with them or go to family gatherings. I was ashamed of myself. After 3 years into our relationship, I will never forget going out the creek and going riding, everyone was getting drunk and we were having a good time atleast i thought. When we got into the car she kept asking where her cigarettes were, I searched the whole car. All I can remember was her yelling at me saying ” you better find them you dumb *****” and because i could not find them she kicked me out of the car in the middle of nowhere in a ditch, she came back and hit me with the door while driving i went to the closest house and started to yell for help, she got out of the car, covered my mouth saying shut up you stupid ***** before i kill you. At that point i literally thought she was going to kill me, she kicked me over and over in the stomach and ribs and dragged me by my hair to get in the car, and then i wouldnt stop crying so she beat me in the head over and over until i eventually blacked out..I just remember shortly after crying for my mom and yelling and her to take me to the hospital because I knew something was wrong, when we got home I went running for my friends house she chased me down kicked me in my ribs again and punched me in my face.. I stood up to fight back and she smiled and burned a cigarette on my face.. I was defeated.. My eyes filled with tears.

Four years into our relationship and we decided to get married. We promised eachother not to fight, and we didn’t but the arguing and emotional abuse didnt stop she would constantly go through my phone, I would have to delete text from my family so i wouldnt get in trouble, and i had to delete all social media for a while, but the rules didnt apply to her, just me. I sat upstairs all day long wondering what it would be like to have a normal life, I prayed to God and asked him to please help me get out of the situation I was in and please help me get away because on many occasions i tried to leave and she would always stop me from leaving saying “no one wants you, you’re disgusting, nasty, a ***** and a ****, she wishes she wouldve never met me. Many nights i sat and cried, and still prayed to God and snuck phone calls to my friends and family all to the point no one wanted to hear it anymore because I always went back. I felt alone and empty in the inside.

Year 5 of us being together came around and we didnt fight much anymore, I think we both knew we werent happy and fighting wasnt even an option for me anymore I was tired, useless and wasnt the same person anymore. After a few months, she kept going out staying out late, Id text her and call but she would shut her phone off, id wait up all night without sleeping just for her to call me in the morning and tell me some sad excuse i didnt believe, but my energy was gone, I had no fight left in me. The next two months came around and we started a new job together, I seen the way she looked at the boss, and I seen the way the boss looked at her, after a couple days i noticed that my wife did not look at me the way she had looked at our boss, so after work one day we argued in the car about it but i just had that feeling, when we got home she said she was leaving so we didnt fight and then i told her if she left I was leaving and I absolutely meant it this time around, but she didnt think id actually leave because remember no one wanted me and i was disgusting. I finally after 5 years of the abuse and tearing myself apart left for good. After i left i didn’t feel happy, I searched every way I could to find my happiness and I asked God why he would do this to me and then i realized i needed to find myself, and that God did this for a reason and I got exactly what I asked for. A year later I had a baby, found a wonderful guy who would do absolutely anything for me and my kids, and understands me to the fullest and is my bestfriend. I dont regret anything I have been through because it has only taught me a lesson and made me stronger. I still have my insecurities every now and then but im learning every day to work through them. Today I look back and I thank God for the amazing plan he has for me and my future, my ex now dates the same girl from the job i hated, and they are miserable, I wish nothing but happiness for the both of them because throughout it all in some point in my marriage, I did love her and gave my all it was just never good enough. With that said my mom always told me ” when your ready to leave for good you will and not look back” she was right and now I have my family, my amazing kids, wonderful boyfriend, and awesome friends back.

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