Sweet as Candy: A Novel in Verse

Wonder Part II

Sometimes

When my life gets hard

I wonder about my mother.

I wonder if she ever found herself in a clinic

Hidden behind an abundance of trees.

Did she make the decision on her own

Or was it someone else’s doing?

Was she sure of herself

If only for a moment?

I wonder if she ever found herself in a room full of other girls

Who, in some form or another

Had decided their own fates.

Did she care for them

As they left the building?

Did she hope someone cared for her

As she stepped into the back room?

I wonder if she ever found herself

In a cushioned chair

That swallowed her whole

As a doctor explained the mechanics of the procedure?

Did she get so far

As signing the waiver?

Did she feel herself getting nauseous

As she imagined the anesthesia

The pain she would feel afterwards

The ride home

With whoever would bother to drive her?

I wonder if she ever looked at a nurse

And uttered the words “I can’t do this.”

Was she just too scared

Or had she really changed her mind?

Was she sure of her choice

To have a baby

To change her life so much

And make it so much harder?

Or was it all a mistake

Leaving her like Cinderella

Fleeing the ball

Only to leave the remnants of her happy life

Behind?

I wonder

If she ever suspected

That the baby girl she birthed a few months later

Might end up in her shoes one day

Making a choice of her own

That just might send her down a similiar road.

Did she figure this out

When she was raising me

On her own?

Did she know for sure

When they took her in for questioning

And took me away

To go god-knows-where?

Most of all

I wonder if I’m just like her

When I sit up in that cushioned chair

And open my mouth.