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Once upon a time, a very long time ago, there was a king and a queen. The king was firm and kind to his people, his wife, the queen was kind and fair to all the people. They adored her. Sadly, she was never satisfied because all she ever wanted was a child.
One cold winter’s day she was sewing some clothes for her husband but, her eyes drifted and focused on the new fallen snow. She pricked her finger on the needle of the spindle, and made a wish. “I wish for a child, with skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair black as ebony.” Odd, sounds a little creepy. That’s gonna be one weird looking kid. Anyway, her wish was granted and a few months later, she had a child. Just as she wished, who she named Snow White. In my opinion, it looks a little like a baby vampire, skin as pale as snow, full head of hair, dark as ebony, and lips red as blood… Nah, I bet it’s ‘cause she’s just a newborn.
Continuing, sadly, shortly after her birth, her mother mysteriously died. Which is always a red flag to me. The king mourned, but he moved on surprisingly fast. Within a few weeks, he had married his new queen, she was beautiful but cruel. Also, insecure, but we’ll get to that later.
The new queen also dabbled in black magic (another red flag). She had a magic mirror, in which everyday, she would ask the same question, “Magic mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?” (See the insecurity?). To which the mirror would reply, “Thou, O queen is the fairest of them all.” This pleased the queen because the mirror cannot tell a lie.
But one morning, the morning when **** went down, when the queen asked the same question, the mirror replied, “Thou, O queen are fair, it’s true. But Snow White is fairer than you.” ****! Ohhhh! Stuff is about to go down! This flung the queen into a jealous rage, trying to plot ways to get rid of her. I would have suggested weight watchers or something. But, her psychotic jealous brian, commanded her huntsman to go and kill Snow White. She demanded that he bring back her heart as evidence that the deed was done. Gross! What is she even gonna do with her heart? Frame it? May I add that the king is also still alive, how does she plan on explaining that? “Hey honey, I play with black magic, and my mirror told me that my step daughter was prettier than me, so I had her killed? Mkay? What’s for dinner?” Yeah, no.
Anyway, back to the story. The poor huntsman took Snow White deep into the woods, shaking in his boots the whole time. He tried to kill her, he really did. But he has this thing called morals. So he couldn’t go through with it. He let’s her go and finds a boars heart to give the queen instead. Now, I don’t know what the queen did with the heart, but I don’t wanna.
Now Snow was on the run, and she had no idea what to do. As to be expected because most people don’t have their step-mother try and kill them. Snow dashed through the forest, getting as far as her feet would let her. By sun down, she found a cottage in the middle of the woods. She was exhausted and the door was unlocked, so she went inside. Like any smart princess would. She stumbled in, still dizzy from trying to wrap her head around the fact her mom tried to kill her, and All. That. Running. She noticed that there were seven table seats with plates sitting out, also seven beds, all pressed together. She didn’t care and was still woozy, so she just collapsed on the beds and took a long nap.
A while after dark the owners came home. When they notice that there is a random girl passed out on their beds, they light their candles for a further inspection. “Good heavens!” They shout. “This child is beautiful,” another one chimes in. Because if someone breaks into your house, and passes out on your bed, don’t freak out, don’t get help. First check to see if they are hot. The owners were the seven small dwarves from the mountains, everyday they mine for gold and diamonds, but today they really hit the gold mine. Get it? Heh he, no? Okay…
The dwarves let her rest, and when she finally woke, they were all sitting around the foot of the bed, smiling at her. Kinda creepy like. Rubbing her eyes, trying to figure out what’s going on, one of the dwarves chirps, “What’s your name, fair maiden?”
“My name is Snow White.” She replied.
Another one asks, “How did you find our house?” I mean, it is in the middle of nowhere. She started explaining to them that her psycho step-mother tried to murder her because she’s hotter than she is. And how she convinced a hunter not to kill her, ‘cause she’s so hot. And her running through the forest, seeking sanctuary, and ending up here.
The dwarves take some time to confer with one another, to decide her fate. They finally turn to her and say, “If you keep the house tidy, make beds, wash, cook, and whatever. You can stay with us.” Dude! She is a complete stranger! How is that a good idea? There are seven of you, did any of you learn about stranger danger?! I try to warn them.
“I thank you with all my heart.” She responds, no duh. She just got the easiest gig ever.
She lived happily with the dwarves for a good few days. Everyday the dwarves would go off the the mountains, she would cook and clean, and during the day she was never lonely, because she could talk to animals. I suspect a tiny bit of black magic there, but I brush past it because apparently red flags don’t exist anymore.
Going back to the psychotic queen, she still believed that she had Snow White’s heart. Now, I don’t know what she did with the heart, but I don’t want to, so moving along. She went to her mirror and asked the same, unoriginal question: “Magic, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”
To which he replied, “You my queen are fair it’s true.” Here it comes, that little snitch. Her expression drops, from pride to rage. “But Snow White, beyond the mountains, with the seven dwarves is still fairer than you.”
First of all snitch, second of all, why did he need to rat out the dwarves too?
This once again threw the queen into a jealous rage, knowing that the mirror can’t lie. She immediately started plotting how to get rid of her, once again. I was thinking that the queen should take some self-help classes, specifically on insecurities, but no, she chose black magic. Shocker. She strolled down to her secret lair, because somehow she got away with that, and set to work. Her jealousy boiled, giving her the idea to poison her. She cursed an apple, making it beautiful on the outside (unlike her apparently) and poisonous on the inside (very much like her).
She colored her face, making herself seem years older and uglier. Didn’t take as much time as expected, and she started into the forest. When she finally got there, Snow was cleaning, per the usual. Snow saw her and said, “I must not let anyone in; for it is forbidden by the seven dwarves.” Then how the heck did she get there? Huh? “That’s alright with me,” Grinned the old hag. “I can easily get rid of my apples. Here, I’ll give one to you.” “No.” Snow replied, seeing how she was apparently the only one who learned not to take things from strangers. “I can’t accept anything from strangers.” She protested. “Are you afraid of poison?” Scoffed the ugly, old peddler. “Here, I’ll cut the apple in two, you eat half, and I eat half.” I take back my previous statement because Snow White happily obliged, and took half of the apple. You might be thinking to yourself, “Won’t this kill the queen too? Good riddance.” But, sadly, she doesn’t die. She was smart enough to only poison half of the apple.
The apple had barely touched her lips, and that dummy fell dead to the ground. The queen glared at her, chuckling to herself. “White as snow, red as blood, black as ebony wood! The dwarves will never awaken you!” Yikes, I wonder how many times she practiced that.
The queen went to the mirror, filled with hope, there can be anyone prettier that her now!
“Magic mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
It answered, “You my queen, are fairest of them all.
Her bitter heart, finally set to ease. Little did she know, this satisfaction wouldn’t last for long.
When the dwarves came home, after a long day at the mines, they found Snow, dead as a doornail. They were in denial of her death, so they shook her, shouting, trying to wake her up. Sadly, she was dead. Coming to the sad realization that their maid was dead, they mourned for three straight days.
They intended to bury her, but her corpse looked just as a normal as she was when sleeping. Then again, she was pretty pale and grosseteste to begin with. They decided that instead of just bury her, they placed her body into a glass container so that all could see her beauty. Which when you think about it, is gonna get really gross, really fast. What happens when she decomposes? That’s gonna look nasty as hell! All the mold, and her skin falling off, whatever. They took her ‘coffin’ if you would call it that, up the mountains so that she could always watch over them. Which is a bit dramatic for someone they just met a few days prior.
They placed a gold plate by her feet, only saying her name and that she was a princess. Even the animals came to mourn her death, first an owl, then a raven, and finally a dove.
A few short days after her death, a prince came strolling through the forest. The dwarves let them stay with him, because apparently they only let royalty stay with them. They took him to the coffin, on the mountain top, with her body, looking pretty as ever. He gazed upon her corpse with those “do-me” eyes. Which concerned us all, because (quick reminder) she’s still dead. Dummy! Get that look off your face! I say to myself, knowing full well, only you can hear me. This is a random dead girl who you don’t know in the slightest. I roll my non-existent eyes, as he presses his face closer to the glass. “I need not know her, I believe in love at first sight!” He exclaims. Although poetic, idiotic. “True loves kiss has the power to break any spell!” I shouts, breaking the glass. Ugh, airhead.
He presses his lips against her cold, dead lips. ******! She sits up, “What? Where am I?” She asks. He dislodged the apple from her throat, so not exactly true love.
“You are with me, and I love you more than life itself.” He explains. They have never seen each other before! How! I swear, if this idiot, kisses him back– And yup. There she goes. Grabbing his face, they kiss once again. If I had an actual face I would be sneering.
When they finally got back to the castle to be wed, they found the queen and banished her from the land. And they lived happily ever after. Which is shocking because 50 percent of marriages in in divorce, and they got married about three hours after meeting. Anyway, the end.
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