Prompt: There are 3 things you need to know before you read this.
Like a Phoenix, She rises
There are three things you need to know before reading this… I’m not broken, do not feel bad for me, and last… this is not a sad story.
Have you ever seen that girl that smiles but something makes you wonder what she hides behind it? Have you ever wondered about her story or what made the those shadows in her eyes?
My story is the same as many others before me and many to follow. It is not a new story that hasn’t been heard before but it is my story. I was a small town girl that loved adventure. I felt like I was grown up but really looking back I was just a little girl with no idea how the real world worked and I learned that good things don’t always happen to you just because you are a good person.
I first saw him while out with my friends and I thought he was charming and funny. He had traveled all over and lived what I thought was such an exciting life compared to my small town life where nothing ever seemed to change. We started hanging out and before I knew it we started dating and in a wirral wind romance we got engaged and married. It quickly became very apparent that I knew nothing about him. He always was a smooth talker, everyone loved him because he was the life of the party but behind closed doors he was a different person. His temper was scary and I never knew if something I did or would say would set him off so I would tippy toe around him at all times. His temper would flare quickly and he would lash out with hurtful cruel words or a hand that would clamp down hard and squeeze untill it would bruise. I got shoved, hit, thrown against things and things thrown at me . The worse was when he would threaten me or say he would hurt himself to control me or get his way. I lost count of how many times I had to talk him down and have to pri a kitchen knife out of his hand or calm him down as he would speed down a road saying he was going to kill us both. He would disappear for hours and I would have to get into the car and go looking for him. He controlled me and everything I did. I didn’t like it but I was to scared to do anything about it. and to do something because i felt like i was drowning and couldn’t tell right side up anymore. I would lay on the ground telling myself just to breath and that it would get better. I thought I just needed to fix myself so that he would love me and not be mad or hurt me anymore. If I could just be prettier, more thoughtful, a better wife then he would love me. I just knew it. It didn’t work. Nothing I tried seem to make a difference except to make matters worse. So I just crawled into my shell and hid myself and everything from everyone. I was ashamed and scared. I was a failure as a wife and as a person. The one thing God asked me to do was to honor and love my husband but I hated him as much as I loved him and I couldn’t make him happy. As time passed I lost my friends and I lost who I was. I felt so alone and scared. I started thinking the world would be better without someone like me in it. I thought why not do what he says and run into a tree? No one would care or miss me if I left this earth.
One night I lay curled in a ball on the ground hurting more on the inside of the thing that were said then the bruises left behind and started to pray. I lay there praying for hours begging God to help me, to show me how to be a better person, to save me before it was to late. I hated the person I had become and knew that I had let myself drift away from God with my dissapointments, hurts, fears and anger. That night I began to give myself back to Jesus telling him how sorry I was that I had left him out when i should’ve been including him in everything I did. I confused my pride, sins and fears to him and begged him to forgive me and help me to become his daughter in the way I was suppose to be. That night things began to change for me in the inside.
Other things changed after that night also. I found out I was pregnant but things didn’t turn for the good but seemed to get worse. I was so confused because it seemed that the more I prayed and And the closer I got with the Lord the more things seemed to get worse between us. Things started coming to light about his many unfaithful acts with other girls. It seemed like my world was falling apart. The only bright spot was the beautiful little mirabilia girl that was brought into the world. She was two months early and so tiny but was strong and healthy. As the days passed in a blur of pain, hurts and betrayals I learned that no matter God was bigger then my fears and hurts. Everything was crazy and confusing yet I felt a peace inside that I hadn’t felt in a long time. He helped me be strong enough to walk away for myself and my daughter, to help me find myself again and realize I was worth something.
Looking back at that time in my life I learned some very important lessons. God answers prayer all the time…but not always how we expect them and not on our time. He knows what He is doing and He loves us enough to make us go through difficult battles to make us stronger and to be more understanding to others in pain. He taught me to take my eyes off myself and to give to others to help heal the emptiness, pain and loneliness. He has blessed my life now to overflowing. I have a husband that loves and cherishes me. A wonderful dad to my little girl that is not so little anymore and now he has blessed me with another mirabilia little angel.
This isn’t a sad story. It’s a story of overcoming.