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You will read this title, you will think “Ah, another feel-good story about how someone found peace in the universe.”
This is not that kind of story. This is the story of being lost in darkness, of feeling helpless and alone, of silent screams in hurting minds. This is a story about change.
It is one in the morning, a usual time when most are sleeping, dreaming sweetly, heads content to rest on soft pillows. The silence is loud, pressing in, the thump of a pulse is loud to enough to be mistaken for a hammer. A shaky breath breaks the silence, muted music accompanying the scratch of cloth on cloth.
She moves, slowly at first, exhales with the rhythm of the music that beats through her headphones. She lets her blankets absorb her tears, ignores the flaming trails that scorch tracks down her cheeks.
Alone, alone, alone. Her thoughts pound to her pulse. Ugly, worthless, useless.
The first cut is swift, a flick of a wrist, a hiss in the dark.
The thoughts pound faster. You deserve this. You need this. You want this.
The next cuts are faster, driven by gritted teeth and shaking uneven breath.
The bottle by her bed is half empty, the glass next to it has been drained thrice over. She is drunk, she is alone, she is in crisis.
No one sees this till she lets them. Her mind screams to be released, to the dark, to the great cosmos, to be free of the shackles of a physical body.
She does not go that far.
It is one in the afternoon. She is with friends, laughing and smiling through the glare of the sun. The scars on her arms are fading fast, little white lines that remind her of the pain she has suffered through, has overcome.
She reminds herself, when she catches sight of them, that her past is just that, and that her future is hers to conquer.
She reminds herself, when her thoughts turn a little too dark, a little too hopeless and lost, that there is time, that she deserves to feel good.
She must remember to hold that little glowing ball of positivity inside of her chest, where before there was a dark aching emptiness. She must remember that in those small moments; life is worth living for. She must remember that once she felt alone, now she is together, that once she felt worthless, now she is worthy, that once she felt ugly, now she is gorgeous.