Hi, I am just a very different woman, with different perspective in life. Yes, I understand that you have opinions and I truly respect it. But I’m assuming you are here to know what my life is all about. That will involve my opinions, ADL (Activity Daily Living), and what my life is all about. So please, feel free to feel whatever you feel while reading my thoughts. Don’t take anything by heart, unless of course it touches your soul.
So let’s start by telling you about myself. I am a Latina; brown hair, brown eyes, naturally tan, and very creative person. I was the nice one in school. The one you wanted to be friend just to have your homework finished and no strings attached. The one that you asked to paint the backgrounds for the drama coming up a month from now, and use for just the creativity that I am. The one you just sit down- remember even though you weren’t a “friend”- and just pour out your soul to because you had no one else to talk to about your problems, feelings, doubts, or just have a friend.
So yeah that was me in middle school. But one thing for sure I couldn’t bare was being “fat”. I was made fun of, bullied, and cursed with so many words from classmate; and yes from family members as well. Then high school hit my life like a ball knocking you in the head and giving you a concussion. I was not prepared to what to expect. Bullies became more and more unbearable to handle and never was I able to get away from it. Bullies at home and at school. What a joke, huh? (This is when you agree or disagree haha). Anyways I started just going into this deep dark mind. Not like the dark mind of hurting someone but the dark mind of hearing everyone’s curses over and over in my head and letting it take my life.
I couldn’t bare another day of not doing something about it. I was big, I knew I was. But it didn’t bother me if others were just stabbing me on my back reminding me every second of my life. I was able to bench 210 lbs. and was a very strong woman- or in this case still a girl? I don’t know. Anyways, I was the strongest female from my school. To the point that the football coach on sophomore year begged my mom to let me get in the team. It was in public that he begged- which made me laugh. Of course she denied. I thought that maybe if I did joined I can get all my anger and frustration out by knocking guys over. (What a thought huh?)
So I couldn’t control my life, my decisions, what I wanted to do, and what I desired. (This is when you ask me, “What happened next?”) Let me tell ya, my thought process, okay? The end of sophomore year I came to conclusion that if I can’t control anything in my life, then I can control my food. This is where my dark pathway started. Let me just let you know ahead of time, I didn’t know that what I was about to do was going to hurt my body.
I started limiting my food intake, and exercising. My ADL was very strict, because I forced them to be that way. At 6 am I would wake up, drink a cup of water and jogged for about an hour. Came home, took a shower, got dressed, and didn’t eat breakfast. (Oh, forgot to mentioned this starts right at the end of May of 2012- no school, and at home.) Noon came around and I would drink a cup of water and jogged another hour. Came home, took a shower, and would nib on something. It may have been cereal, oatmeal, or fruit. Then 5 pm came around and I would drink a cup of water and jogged another hour. Came home, took a shower, and would go straight to sleep.
Then my exercise would become more intense. I would wake up same time in the morning but instead of just one hour of exercise I would do two to three hours every shift. (Interesting that I saw it as a working type of shift.) This was my job, my full-time job and I didn’t even realized how bad this was. I was determined to make myself change, and take control of the only thing I could. My body!
For the first couple weeks, I did feel a pounding in my head. Felt the dizziness, the stomach curls, the craving of food, and how much I slept. But I didn’t know I was suffering. I didn’t realized how much this was hurting because in my mind I kept hearing voices of those that just bullied me on how big I was. That kept me determined to keep going. After two months of doing this I lost over 80 pounds. I weighed 160 lbs in the beginning of school and I weighed 240 pounds before that. I felt proud of myself.
School started in August of 2012 and no one recognized me. Everyone smiled, would waved, say hi, would come up to me and want to talk and get to know me. I was accepted and for the first time in years I was accepted for who I was. Every guys checked me out with pleasure and not with disgust, every girl wanted me in their “friend group”, and I was invited to any activities the school had to offered. I was a new me, and I felt proud of it.
Until the second week of school came by and classmate comes up to me and says, “Don’t take this in a harsh way, but you don’t look healthy. You look like you are anorexic. Loosing the amount of weight that you have accomplished is impossible to do in two months.” I reply by saying, “I am not anorexic. I exercise and I worked hard to accomplish what I have done. I promise you I am not anorexic.” She nods, right before the bells rings for next class she touches my shoulder with concern and leaves.
Let me be straight and honest with you. The word anorexic never have I heard such word. I didn’t even know what it was, or what the side effects were. So I started researching it. At this point I was a bit concerned. But the discipline I have created for myself didn’t stop. (Why? You may ask.) Well, honestly pride and comfort I have took in that discipline. I felt safe, pleasured, and felt control over my life for the first time. People, may say how sick we anorexic are, and how can they do that? They may have a mental problem and blah blah blah….. What ever you say doesn’t really matter, because at the end of the day it’s not a mental problem, it’s not that we are diseased with some sort of thing. It all comes doing to sitting down and listening to our story.
We want to take control over our life and we ended up feeling safe in the decision we made. It’s like grabbing a cigarette and wanting a the stress to go away. If it really was a mental problem then people that smoke, drink, do drugs have a mental problem and all of them should be locked up in a mental facility. But no, we don’t have mental problem, but what to take control over something. It is human reaction. Some people leaned towards sex for security, for comfort, for reassurance, and don’t know what else to do.
This is when I myself, made a decision to look more into the side effects and what anorexic really is. So I started eating. But that led to eating and putting a finger in my throat to make myself throw up. Because then I felt guilt! My thoughts were, “You worked so hard to become this person, why? Why do I want to change? I will get fat again. I don’t want to be fat.” Sophomore year passes by and I diagnosed myself an Anorexic/Bulimic who has no way to get out of it.
But honestly everyone who suffers with whatever they may be dealing with do want to get out of the mess they do! It’s like you hear from a person who smokes, “I want to quit but I just can’t. I’ve tried and tried. May last for a week and then I go back to it.” What is the problem, or who is the problem? Is it the people you surround yourself with? Is it the environment you are in? Is it just your mind playing with you?
Throughout the summer of 2013 I lost more weight then ever! My own mother started seeing a problem, because my bones started to show. But still she didn’t help, she just stood on the sidelines watching me die! You would normally think family are there to help you out, to care for you, to be the one that supports you and never lets you die. But it was completely opposite in my life. My real family were the ones that lived hundreds of miles away from where I was. The one I was denied to visit or talk to for 15 years. My heart was broken, my thoughts were incomplete, my heart pumped slower, and I felt the death within myself.
I weighed 120 lbs, and I was 5 “7. That was underweight referring to Doctors. But yet it pleasured me, that I was the one doing so. It pleasure me to feel my tummy full and then just throw it up. It was my addiction to overly exercise and not eat for days. It was the happiest moment in my life (that was my thought back then). But the more I researched on what I was, I was afraid. So I started to cut myself. Because what I have accomplished on taking control over my body, was not satisfying me at all. I couldn’t feel my emotions, I couldn’t be myself, I couldn’t speak my thoughts, I was hurting from the inside. I became so numbed that my get away was cutting my arms. I cut slowly to feel, it gave me a buzz feeling and for the first time in a while I felt alive.
It was my security blanket to feel that I was still alive. I started wearing long sleeves that year of 2013 when school started. It was my last year in high school. No one knew of all that I was doing to myself. But the thought that came to my mind was, “When I turn 18 I can leave and start all over. Become better then this.” So what does this mean? I ask you. Why is this thought replaying over and over again. Let me tell you something. It was because I was not in a good environment, and was not around people that were kind, but judgmentally sick in their mind. I wasn’t the sick minded person. I didn’t have problems, no I didn’t!
That’s where a lot of of people fail. By judging them, and not realizing the whole back story of things. I was the one who sat down and listened to peoples problems and was their help. But yet no one cared to sit down and hear mine. People are so selfish now and days. It sickens me. But let’s get through this history of mine first, before I start a different subject. So at the end of my school year. I graduated in 2014 I started making good choices in life.
I started making decisions in life still living underneath the roof of my family. Let me tell you something, yet they still wanted to control my life. So my spirit called out of the place, out of that environment because it was all mind ****! (Excuse my language, but it was.) So I searched a way out, and I found it. Met this amazing loving man, who loved me for me. He was my outside camera looking into my life and discussing everything wrong with the family I was in. It as a God send man. I was so glad to have him in my life.
I applied for a school 4 hours away from where I lived, and was accepted. Yet, at the moment I didn’t realize what I was doing. I didn’t understand why I made those type of decisions to live far away from the people I grew up with. But my soul knew best. I made it, went and travel up 4 hours and realized that it wasn’t what I wanted out of life. But it was an excuse to live the home I lived in, where I was bullied, made fun of, and just not loved the way a family should love one another.
The man of my life was with me in that journey, and since then I have eaten every meal of the day. Lived a normal life, even though I do have those little voices in my mind. But that man that I love so much, is there holding my hands and reminding me who I am. It that moment I felt true happiness, true love, and true life. Don’t get me wrong, there are times that we find someone who loves us and then leaves us. But the end of the day you got to remember what you have learned in that moment.
Love is trusting, caring, giving, and not expecting anything back. And I gave that type of love to that family, classmates, and co-workers that didn’t appreciate it, but used to to get back at me by attacking. (So, why talk about all of this, you may ask.) The conclusion of it all is that everyone has life struggles. We shouldn’t judge them but pray for them and love them no matter what. Because in the end of the day they are humans too.
It wasn’t a mental illness, but a struggle. It wasn’t a disease, but a curse. It wasn’t a known decision, but a blind decision. We all fall for something, and become addicted to. It could be a positive addiction, such as music or it could be a negative addiction, such as restricting yourself from eating, or putting chemicals in your bodies.
And now I am a healthy mother of one, with an amazing husband who has gone through this with me. From 2014 to these days. I am completely grateful to have him in my life. So, if you were reading my story out of curiosity, you have learned what was going on in my mind. If you were reading this because you are in that position right now, I tell you don’t give up- you will make it through it all. My advice to you is start walking in trails all alone and take big breath. I also advice you to change your environment and the people around you that make you feel depressed, alone, and negative. Because once you have made the decision to change that, you will naturally become better. REMEMBER, you aren’t changing yourself, you are changing your surroundings.
All this time people have thought the opposite telling you to change who you are, but that wasn’t the problem all along. It was the environment and the people that are around you 24/7. Believe me. You will make it through with these two simple steps. But I must tell you may have temptation to get back to that environment and mindset. Because I’ve struggled with it to these day. But I want to tell you, you are a warrior and you will make it.
For those that aren’t struggling but have read this, you can be a help to those that are going through this, or anything in life. By being positive and being the person who listens. We need more kind people in this world. It takes a person with courage and love to become a helper.
Conclusion to this story is trust yourself to become better then what you are. That no matter what happens do the best, and never ever give up.