“I like you? No, I mean I really like you—maybe not all the time, but sometimes. I can’t really explain it. It’s like your on my brain, in my dreams, and embarrassingly sometimes beneath the zipper of my jeans. Then again you’re a nightmare you know. Someone who cracks insulting jokes, tries to one up me all the time, and oozes so much confidence I want to vomit. You’re not bad, but your bad…for me? No–I mean yes! For me! For me! Rei I hate you.”
Man I sound stupid.
It sounds like a question doesn’t it? Are these questions or do I mean it? Do I like you? Do I hate you? Are you bad for me? Yes, you must be. You have to be. I hate these hormones. The bullships. Is this how it feels to be human? I am stupid…sometimes, and particularly in this moment when I let my guard down leaning my head back on the wall. Just wait for it. This ridiculousness that is called life. I was sinking, but awkwardly very comfortable. It’s strange, but the sky is so beautiful. It wasn’t like this back h—
“Hmm…not bad, but bad? You hate me, but like me? Zippers of your jeans…” A familiar voice says above me.
You have to be kidding me.
Dear Universe you cannot be so cruel.
I feel a stiff lump in my throat.
My body stiffens, and I slowly look above to see a familiar face poking out the window slightly above my head with a straight face.
Her green eyes locked onto mine. Ships. A smirk dancing its way onto her lips. Fruck. She’s not looking away. Ships.
I close my eyes, and I could still see her staring. Fruck. My journal feeling like hot bricks in my hand. Mother fruckers.
Little droplets of rain drizzled onto the grass. It wasn’t supposed to rain today. I don’t have an umbrella…just my luck.
“Rei? Isn’t that–“
“You. Yes. Fruck me.”
“Fruck? You mean fu–“
“Yes, fruck me,” I say moving slightly away, and getting up as to not bump into her head. My feet are unsteady, but my hands are firm. Holding onto that journal for dear life. It is my life. This life. I turn to look at her. Her eyes are unwavering, her arms propped on the windowsill, and small hands cupping her face. Her dark auburn hair brushing against her cream skin as the breeze sweeps by. Her lips slightly opening as if to say something. Her eyes wild with amusement. She was glowing. She was—no is–beautiful. If I could breathe her in I would. I take in a deep breath.
“The universe frucked me. This world frucked me. This day frucked me. This stupid journal frucked me. This deceitful blue sky frucked me. This body frucked me…and you. You frucked me. Hard. You frucked my mind senseless. I can’t think. You frucked my legs into jelly. They feel so numb. You frucked my lungs into cheyne stokes so it’s harder to breathe whenever you walk by. You frucked my chest into doing ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum dum ridiculous sounds that I can’t function. I can’t be who I used to be. All because of your lips. You frucked me over with those soft lips of yours.”
Her face turned serious. The amusement disappearing from her eyes, and lips.
The sound rung in my ears causing me to close my eyes wince a little. It’s time to go. I wish I had a bit more time, but I have to go. Hearing a faint snicker snaps me out of my trance only to gaze back at Rei trying to hold back a laughter. She found it funny. I’m a joke. Not surprising at all, but it stung. I’ve been stung before by a swarm of bees It wasn’t my fault I swear. It hurt a lot, but this. This hurts. This hurts so much more.
I don’t understand this body. I can’t stand it.
“That was really cringe—” I don’t bother hearing what she has to say next as I turn, and start walking away. I have to go. I hear a door slam, and footsteps not far behind. Dingahhh!
“Aishhh!” That stupid sound. I really have to go. I push past several people in front of me picking up the pace hearing the footsteps behind me quicken as well. There’s no doubt about it. She’s following me. Dingahhh! I suck in a breath. Footsteps. Dingahhh! I need to make a break for it. Footsteps. Somewhere with less people. Dingahhh! Shut up please it hurts, and I get it. Footsteps. Yeah, somewhere safer like behind those trees over there. Dingahhh! Footsteps. Why are you following me? I start running. Fast, but not too fast, I was far enough from the crowd of people socializing, going to class, and wondering if they’ll get a job after getting that degree. For some a worthless degree. No more footsteps. Dingahhh! Stopping in my tracks I concentrate closing my eyes.
Here. Here is good.
Why? Why are you still following me? Her breathing was heavy, and the sky was still that deceitful blue. It’s close. Dingahh! Today it’s the rain. I feel her hand grabbing onto my wrist. Yesterday was the moon. Spinning me around to meet her. Tomorrow is the sun. “I have to go!”
“Is it that powerful?” She asks her green eyes meeting mine. Her casual playfulness absent from her tone, her eyes completely vulnerable like that night, and her hands desperately holding on as if I would disappear any second.
“A kiss?” She says gently slightly above a whisper. Her chest still heaving from running so much.
“Yes. Your kiss is that powerful.” We stare at each other in silence her grip on my wrist getting weaker by the second. She was letting go. Her eyes were searching mine for something I didn’t know. Suddenly my mind is numb again, my stomach catapulting into a swarm of warm ticklish bubbles, and my feet melting into an endless sea. Her sweet gentle lips devoured mine in an instant, her soft hands at the small of my back, and on my cheek. My lips danced with hers swaying to her rhythm. Soft, and slow. I wish could stay like this forever. A shaky innocent moan escaped her mouth slightly before she pulled away, she sucked in the air making a hissing sound, her breathing was shaky, her eyes were getting darker never looking away from mine just before she crashed her lips back onto me, pushing me against the tree behind us. Her hands were on my waist now holding me steady as she pressed her body hard against mine, and closed any distance between us. Our lips now in a desperate war instead of our slow dance, our legs intertwined—my hands dwindling at my sides. What should I do with them? Mmm. Another moan, but this time it was different. Was it the sound? Was it the feeling? I don’t know, but the grip on my hips tightened. Another moan. Her tongue shyly probing my lips before smoothly entering my mouth. God, she tasted so good.
“Mmm.” This time it was me. My head was spinning, everything felt hot, and my stomach went from bubbles to a slowly erupting volcano. What was happening? Mmm. I felt her hips moving faster against me, her lips still on mine, and her moans more frequent. Her hands were now guiding my hips, swaying back and forth against her leg.
And again. Back, and forth.
Her tongue playing with mine as I drunk her in.
I want all of you.
Her hands still moving me.
Back, and forth.
“ha–ahh.” My lips separated from her with a loud smack. Fire ignited from beneath me unleashing a sweetness I’ve never felt before. The more her hands swayed my hips to rock against her the stronger fire between my legs. The faster my breathing. The more my want. I griped her shoulders for a second, biting my lip and closing my eyes for a minute; the feeling sending small shock waves throughout my body. It felt so good. I saw worry in her eyes when I opened mine again. She started to slow down.
“Do you–mhphh” I cut her off as my lips desperately found hers again, my hands instinctively cupping each side of her face, and my hips now moving on their own. I knew what she wanted to say. No, Don’t stop. Please, don’t stop. Keep going. Mmmm. I couldn’t tell her moans apart from mine anymore. Our bodies moved in sync, but we both desperately wanted more. This fire wasn’t wasn’t enough. I wanted more, and she was holding back.
“More,” I breath resting my head against hers, our hips still swaying, soft sighs, and hisses escaping our lips. I was drowning in those breathtaking green eyes. A comfortable silence was in the air as we just stood there against each other our breathing heavy, shaky, and fast. I felt her hand let go tracing the hem line of my jeans, her eyes still drowning me and never looking away.
“Can I?” She whispered softly out of breath. I heard the pop of my button being undone.
“Yes.” Her hands sliding my zipper down, and resting on my underwear.
“God, you’re wet,” she growled as her lips devoured mine once again.
“All for you.” I could feel fingertips sliding down the edge. I want all of you.
“ahhhh” I winced losing my balance, but she held up keeping me from falling. Why? Why couldn’t this last just a little bit more.
“ahhhhhhhh. Ahhhhhh” It’s coming. It was my fault. I was distracted.
My breathing’s heavy again. My brain is numb. My ears are ringing. I can hardly hear what she’s saying anymore. I can’t hear my screams over this stupid….Dingahhh!
My visions getting horrible, but I can make out a few words from her lips.
“Ahhhh. It hurts” There’s nothing you can do Rei. I’m sorry. I should have left sooner. Ding!
Everything stops. The ringing. The numbness. The visions. It stopped. “It’s coming.”
“What’s coming?” I look up to see Rei, her eyes ******** with tears.
“Are you kidding me right now? You’re over here screaming in pain, and you’re worried about rain!”
“The rain, I’m late,” I try to push her away stumbling as I walk. I could hear her walking after me, feel her pulling me to her, and holding me up.
“Stop. It’s not raining A–” A small drop of rain jumps its way onto Rei’s face. Broom! Crack! A loud wave of thunder sounds from above.
“I have to go.” I can’t risk you getting hurt. Not like this. I fake a fall this time taking Rei down with me. I can feel a hard round rock beneath my hands. It’s big enough. I’ll do it without causing too much damage. “My head.”
“Ava, listen to me I need to get you to a hos—” Dook!
“I’m sorry.” Rei collapses in my arms a small stain of blood on the rock on my hand, and on her head…where I hit her. She was unconscious. “I can’t risk you following me.” She should wake up in an hour or two with a mild concussion.
She’ll remember this.
She’ll hate me.
Hopefully she’ll listen.
Hopefully she’ll understand.
I take a deep breath, and with all my strength I start running forwards. Dingahhhh! I get it. I get it.
“Grahooohuu!” I can hear the growls of monsters all around me.
Dingahhhh! Run, faster child. “Grahoohuuuu.” Dingahhh!
Faster. I need more speed.
I turn the switch on my bracelet, a small sharp blade pokes out from it. Dingahhhhh! I’m close. Dingahhh! Let’s go.
I swipe the blade across my wrist drawing blood. I hiss, sucking in my breath. The air tastes bitter. My eyes are stinging with tears. My blood dripping on the floor mixing with the rain.
“Open portal,” I say motioning my hand in a circle. Blue rays of light rip through the empty space in front of me slicing, and cutting off the human air.
“Grahooohuu!” My nails are shifting. Growing, and piercing my flesh. My eyes burning, dripping red. My skin is hardening. The rain surrounding me stinging like acid. My stomach twisting into knots as I step into the portal to Gredrum.
I can still see it. That look in her eyes as she fell onto the ground. Betrayal.
Today is the rain.
Yesterday was the moon.
Tomorrow is the sun.