Poetry (I am looking for feedback!)

Whole

Whole

I’m waiting to be whole again

I’m waiting for the moment when I don’t wake up 

with a back tense and knotted inside

Despite my feathery mattress and plump pillows

Aching because I can’t remember the last time I slept without a nightmare

Aching because I’m overwhelmed by the bad and blind to the good

I’m waiting to be whole again because I’ve been depressed since age 6

But no one was willing to diagnose me because I had friends

And I did well in school

So surely such a quiet, well-behaved,

Perfect girl could not be empty inside 

The soul scraped out of her like the 

Meat of a pumpkin grown to be 

Plucked from her stem

With a smile carved into her face with a serrated knife

Specially made for cutting her apart,

giving her a blank stare

And a permanent grin

I’m waiting for the day when my mother goes on a plane 

and my first thought is not 

I pray to the God I do not believe in that she will stay safe

I’m waiting to be whole 

Waiting for the morning when I wake up happy and refreshed,

Make breakfast, 

and deal with the day’s challenges as they come, 

Then go to bed calm and alright,

Knowing I did the best I could

I’m waiting for the night when I look in the mirror as I brush my teeth 

And see a beautiful girl

Ashamed of nothing

Content with her lumpy stomach and large nose,

Different sized eyes and fat thighs

And all the parts of my body that I have no respect for.

I’m waiting for the week when I do not cry, 

The year when my tears come only for those things that are inevitably sad

Not because I missed an opportunity 

Because I talked myself down

Or I just didn’t have the willpower

I’m waiting to be whole because I am not yet

I am bits and pieces of a girl,

Torn apart by the world 

And not quite back together

There are the days my laughter comes easy

And my pulse is steady and slow

But then comes the foot, 

Tapping quickly on the floor to the music of my grief

Then come the teeth,

Tugging on my lip until it’s ragged and raw

Then the wholeness is gone and I am once more a ruin

I’m waiting to be whole 

As I haven’t been in the eight years – over half my life – that came before.

I’m waiting to remember a time when my jaw wasn’t

Clenched and there was no crease between my eyes.

I will wait to be whole. 

I will wait for that day, and when it comes,

I will rejoice