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Poetry: College

By @BizTheUnicorn

Breathe

I feel beautiful when you look at me

eyes wide with wonder and hunger

jaw fallen, lips slightly parted

like you’re going to devour me

tear apart my flesh and see what’s really inside

unafraid of the parts of me that others would rather not see

but insecurity seeps through me, out of every crack

I peel back one layer only to find another

I look in the mirror and see pretty

then I look around at crumbs and see disgusting

piles of work to be done and see lazy

bottle of pills untaken and see willing victim

desperate to feel wanted, finding doubt in every moment you aren’t swarming my mind with pain and pleasure

I know it can never come from outside

I know that you, anyone, could hold me a thousand times

and I’d still be fragmented

parts of me begging to be made whole

others terrified of the responsibility

breaking out of mold after mold

is so tiring

constantly fighting demons I had no choice in receiving

but to keep ignoring them is as good as them winning

but I’m so tired, eyes drooping, drifting

there’s no shame in not being able to fight today

shattering ceilings always leaves more shards to pick out of my skin

so many leftover scars that it’s hard to know

whether to keep letting myself heal or move on to the next suffocating wave

knowing that if I linger too long

I’ll drown

I guess fighting is a definition of existence

at least for those of us born into conscription

to the wars of our parents, strangers, society, whoever took our innocence

crushed it and warped it so that they could feel okay for a few moments

contrary to belief, emptiness is not better than empathy

but I do agree that sometimes it looks more scary

breathe

I think children raised in war zones have a right to the occasional drop

after all, we can’t be always fighting even if some might say it invalidates our suffering

nothing can invalidate our suffering

and I never enjoy wallowing in self-pity

don’t worry

it isn’t weak

it isn’t weak

don’t be so hard on yourself

just take one step at a time

breathe

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