Cook - Alice in Wonderland: Through the Looking Glass
That baby, and that Duchess. No one knows how I feel, how it feels to live my life. To have to cook for those two is a slow and torturous process. Why else do you think I reciprocate with my pepper? If they insist on creating a pandemonium and generally loitering about, doing absolutely nothing while also doing everything in their power to spite me…
Just the other day, I was innocently cooking their godforsaken broth (with extra pepper, of course), when the hideous Duchess decided to beleaguer me, poking fun at my clothing. What is wrong with it, I ask? Excuse me if I do not get paid enough by the pathetic excuse of a creature people call the Duchess. She cackled and rolled across the floor, unharmed by the toys lying on the floor because of the extra padding on her body. I did not say anything, of course, for the Duchess and the Queen of Hearts are dear friends, and if I had dared to even utter a word, it would be Off With My Head!
I, the poor and tired cook, tolerated the terrible witch’s general humour, which only rubs everyone she meets in the wrong way. Why, oh why am I the one required to endure such hardships! Oh, the Duchess and that baby! Well, I must also add that it is not entirely the baby’s fault that he is this way. It is all due to the Duchess’s rude and ugly demeanor that her manners rubbed off on him before the poor thing had a chance. My Lord, the rhymes she sings to that child! Filled with spiderwebs, fires, and beating. Why, she even commanded that I join in on her hideous cacophony or I would be reported to the Queen! Now, I must encourage the baby to sing these songs as well, which I absolutely detest. And does the cat do anything? No, I don’t think so! Why, the other day, a small girl, Alice, I later found out her name was, walked right into the cottage (quite a stupid idea, that. Did she not hear the bloody mess that was going on inside?), demanding immediate answers to her questions and demands! “Why does your cat grin like that?” and “Stop hurling those plates!” Well, I tell you what, I will hurl all the plates I want at that devastating Duchess! Can the girl not see what I have to put up with? The cat just sat there, stupidly grinning like he always does, and disappearing as if he controlled the world. What arrogance!
After the girl arrived, everyone in Wonderland was off in a flurry of further madness! The Knave was accused of stealing tarts at the Queen’s croquet game (where the Duchess was punished by the Queen, thank goodness), and that Alice girl arrived at the court meeting, all flaky with her growth rate. Is it really that hard to choose a size? I mean, really, the gall of some people! Not only that, she was consistently interrupting, calling out words like “stupid” and “nonsense” for everyone to hear, as if she knew all the information in the world, and everyone else were simply dull pawns for her to command! That girl even insulted half the people in the jury, stealing Bill’s pencil right out of his hand, leaving him nothing to write with! What was she thinking?
Amidst the frenzy of the hearing, I was called up to testify, and what else could I say but nothing? I knew nothing of the matter, for I was not invited to the game, nor did I much care. I did not make the tarts, so when I was asked the question as to what they were made of, what else could I answer but pepper? ‘Twas the first thing that came to my mind, and it made perfect sense! Only that darn dormouse went and ruined my answer, proclaiming that it was not made from pepper, but from treacle. Can you imagine? Treacle? What a joke!
Thankfully, the Queen immediately reacted to the irrational intervention of the eternally dormant dormouse, shrieking as she always does to chop off everyone’s heads. It provided me the perfect leeway for escape, and I seized the opportunity.
I skillfully weaved my way through the forest on my way back to the cottage, and who else should I chance upon but the Duchess’s son! He was in his pig form, shoving his nose into my feet, as if asking for food. Poor child. I took off his restricting clothing, to allow him to move about and enjoy his newfound freedom. If only I could leave like he did. I consoled the child very well, if I say so myself. “There, there,” I said, running my hand over his short fur. He did not cease his incessant snuffling and poking about, but he seemed infinitely more at ease on his own that when he was being oppressed by that horrible woman’s bosom. “There, there,” I continued, doing a splendid job of lifting the child’s spirits. I plucked a few berries from a bush nearby and sprinkled pepper (my last bottle) on it to give the pig child, who ate it up greedily. My, I really am an amazing cook. Even pigs like my food! I debated staying there in the forest forever, feeding the animals peacefully, but I then remembered the undying need for food, and items to barter with. I had nowhere to steal such bartering items from except for the Duchess’s home. Oh! That reminded me. The Duchess was punished by the Queen! Oh, who would I feed my broth! No, no, perhaps this was a wonderful development! Perhaps I would be able to eat the broth for myself! No…I was out of a job and home. Yes, I was out of a job! I thought about the different jobs I could do. I could be the mock turtle’s friend! Oh, how I would love to do the Lobster Quadrille!
I left the baby and made my way to the cottage, going through the list of items I would pack for myself in my new job I had just appointed myself—the mock turtle’s friend! To my utter despair, the Duchess was waiting in the cottage, with the useless cat on her lap.
“How have you been, my dear cook? Is the broth ready?”
It turns out the Duchess was released from the Queen’s hold, and returned back to her home. I absolutely must stock up on pepper!