My Old Diary
I don’t wear tight tops,
cos I hate the look of my body so I like to cover it in lose cotton.
Telling myself that I’ll wear the red belly top again when I’m, thin.
I don’t wear jeans,
cos I had a pair that were too tight but I didn’t get I new pair,
cos forbid a me for growing.
Telling myself I’ll wear them again when my ribs are, showing.
I don’t wear shorts,
cos when I sit down my thighs spread looking like there beached whales,
so in 36 degrees I wear full length pants.
Telling myself I’ll wear them again when I look good enough to, enhance.
I don’t wear strips,
cos I overheard someone say that fat girls don’t suit them,
so I wear spots.
Telling myself I’ll wear them again when I give the boys the, hots.
Funny thing is I really wanted to wear my red belly top,
so much so I one day I looked in the mirror,
hate the figure, so eating lunch I just stopped.
Funny thing is I really wanted to wear jeans,
so when I had a shower I turned it from burning to frozen,
cos the internet told me that’d give body I had chosen.
Funny thing is I really wanted to wear those shorts,
so I tried to eat 500 calories a day,
cos beauty is pain, well that’s what they say.
Funny thing is I really wanted to wear strips,
so spent Friday night looking up dieting hacks,
not understanding that the word pretty doesn’t belong on a plaque.
Funny thing is I felt this way since I was eight,
Remember the day I first understood the meaning of self hate.
so vividly like it was my defining trait.
I have not looked at a mirror for six years,
without feeling so ugly compared to my piers.
I wondered why I felt this,
why I couldn’t feel bliss.
Then I found my old diary,
I didn’t know how to spell pretty but the word fat was clear as day.
Funny how when I fully read it ,
how it was my sister who first said it.
Funny how it stayed in my head like glue,
changing my view.
Funny how I wasted some many hours looking in the mirror seeing this distorted figure.
Wasted so much money on face mask,
not forgetting, spot cream,
and body rubs.
Funny how I will probably never have the enjoy of seeing beauty within me.
Funny how I’ll never live shame free.
Funny how young me didn’t write about getting student of the week,
yet thought it important to write the word fat in,
my old diary.