My Everlasting Peace

It Got Worse- part two

I look at the car door handle. I could open the door and jump just to end it all.  I feel so numb. Like on a frigid winter night when you are so cold you feel your body going numb. It has been cold for a while and I have been feeling numb for the longest time. I look out the window to stare at the fast-moving ground. I feel like it’s moving without me. I need to be on that road, and I need to feel the movement I can clearly see. The handle is so mesmerizing, and I can’t help but reach my hand up slowly. It’s so shiny. That’s it grip your hand around the handle, when you open that door all the pain ends. You can feel peace when you slam onto the moving concrete. It will all end if you do this. No one can laugh at you, no one will ever feel annoyed at you again. Everyone will be thankful you died. Your friends will be so much happier without you there. I think nothing when I grab the handle and pull it towards me. I open the door and j u m p.

The ground does not welcome me like I thought It would. in fact, I am less welcome here than I have ever felt anywhere before. it hurts. Wait I don’t want to die, someone please HELP ME! I am crying screaming in pain rolling on the cold hard concrete. Everything is tilted. I am laying on the ground too helpless to move. Everything hurts. Every bone in my body is screaming at me in regret. I thought the pain would end. He lied to me, I don’t feel better at all. He l i e d .

I open my eyes and lower my hand away from the car door handle. no, I can’t do that. Not today. Not right now. Maybe some time when things get hard enough I’ll have the courage. Soon. (people suffering with depression often have suicidal thoughts and scenarios in their head).

 The car pulls up to our cozy two story house, and I get out with puffy eyes, and red cheeks. I’m certain my family can tell there is something wrong, but they are too afraid to ask. I wish someone would ask if I was okay. It would at least make me feel like someone cared about me. Oh no I hear him. He grabs ahold of my thoughts and shreds them to a million pieces and fills my brain with his words of discomfort. His words oozed into my ears. No one in your family cares about you. Its all fake. They only love you when you aren’t being stupid. They don’t love the real you, not with me around at least. He finishes his sentence with a big maniacal laugh.  He’s right. My family will never accept and love me like they would if I didn’t have Depression around most of the time. It’s not like I can do anything about him. I try and try, but no matter what I do he still gets to me. I wish he would just leave, and never come back into my life. He still makes me feel like ****. He still makes me hate myself. He makes me seem like a completely different person sometimes. I hate him so much, with every fiber of my being I hate Depression. He is the only person I hate, but boy do I despise him.

I enter my room and jump onto my bed without a second of hesitation. Crying really makes you tired. There’s a moment of comprehension where I think about being social and texting my friends, but my body soon shuts down that plan with much needed sleep. I am almost asleep when I hear a ding right next to my pillow. I sigh and pick up the phone to see a text from my friend Katie. “Hey Renae, I noticed you looked kind of out of it, are you okay?” I read the text with wonder. Did somebody really notice I wasn’t feeling okay? How in the world did that happen?? I write a quick text explaining I was just having a Depression induced day. (at this point I roll my eyes and stare into Depression’s, to see him smirk at me.) I don’t let Depression say anything about Katie. That’s nice of her to ask me if I’m okay. That makes me feel important. I’m very happy she did that. That really made my day and make me feel a lot better than I did.im glad she is my friend. After learning that someone does care about me I fall asleep with a smile on my face rather than a frown.

I wake up the next morning super tired since I forgot to take my night medicine that helps me sleep. I just so happened to wake up three times before the day started. Just another perk of having depression. (lots of people who have depression often have a challenging time sleeping at night, and sometimes even have insomnia). I didn’t get any sleep, in fact I was awake longer than I was asleep. I pick up my phone lazily and see yet again zero text messages. I guess I never really will get used to that. You might as well. Last night when Katie texted you was an exception. That won’t happen again. The fact that she was worried about you at all is an amazing feat. In as itself. Remember nobody loves you! Katie probably didn’t even care if you were okay or not. She just wants more friends.  I turn to look at him, and I can feel my blood boiling when I meet eyes with him. This just pleases him emancily. I never really do get used to his ugly face and manners. You’d think after a year it would feel routine, but he still scares me to the point of suicidal thoughts sometimes. He’s a scary one, Depression is.

I decide to stay in bed a little longer and try to sleep in. when my thoughts drift off into sleep mode I hear my door being slammed open. “Renae get up, I’ve been yelling at you to get up for the past five minutes now! Turn off your ac and listen to me we need to leave very soon!” I snap up with fear and anxiety pumping my heart into a rapid pace. I feel small and scared. My mom had woken me up, so we could go to my grandparents’ house. I tell her my concerns on how they give me anxiety and how I don’t have the energy to talk to people today. I had a horrible day last night and usually the next day Depression weighs me down like a chain and ball on a prisoner. I tried to explain the weight he has on me between sobs, but she was not understanding it/ believing me. Wow she sure does hate you. Listen to her she doesn’t even care about your concerns or how you feel. She doesn’t like you because of me. She believes me, but she just doesn’t understand what its like. She doesn’t understand what it s like to be a prisoner of depression. She doesn’t know of the pain I go through every day just to stand on my own to feet without the crutches I need. My friends, my constant conversations with them is what keeps me going. My mom, confused and angry, shuts my door and tells me to get ready to leave. I can tell she didn’t understand anything I had explained to her.

I go into my stuffed closet and cry. This is where I go when I’m extremely upset. I like the feeling of being condensed, it helps me feel safe from anything out of my closet that is hurting me emotionally. My uncontrollable sobs are muffled by the amount of clothes and junk in my closet, but that does not stop depression from giving me delusions. Wow listen to yourself, you are pathetic. You can’t even go out and visit your own relatives, that’s to much for you?! That’s ridiculous, your mom is right you aren’t making any sense. Get over your stupid little fears and get up. Your ignorant idiot. No because of you your own mother hates you. If she can’t even love you who can ever love you. You don’t matter to anyone. I stand up with blurry vision and sloppily walk over to my desk and grab scissors. I make myself feel better one of the only ways I know how to. Sitting back on the floor of my messy closet, I open the blades and push down on my thigh. I feel the searing pain, and a mixture of relief, sadness, and disappoint. I hate that I do this to myself. I hate myself. Why do I have to be like this? Maybe I will end my life. Maybe then I would finally feel peace, real peace. Maybe then everyone around me would finally feel peace too. they wouldn’t have to deal with you so, of course they would feel peace. They will be so much happier without you bothering them all the time. If you died right now everyone around you would be happy. Something you will never be able to achieve. Happiness. Happiness. It feels so unattainable right now. I feel like I will never feel the way I want to. I look up to see the rope I tied on my hanger rod in case of emergency. I feel so numb. I wrap the rope around my neck and my frown is released as my vision blurs.

My eyes close with a smile on my face. Heh, peace I found you. I drift away. In the background I faintly hear a scream and a clatter of movement towards me. But it is to late. They were too late. No one could have saved me from my inevitable fate. No one could have saved me from depression. No one.