My Everlasting Peace

The beginning-part one

I opened my eyes to see him. He looks anything but normal. He is tall and thin and has a smile that shows his hunger for my sadness. He is covered in an aura that is black and wispy. All his features are sharp and unforgiving, making him almost look attractive. Just something about him makes him so, so ugly. His eyes are the darkest black and seem to absorb all color out of the rest of his face. He is not human. He is not safe. “What are you doing here again, weren’t you here just the other day?” I reply with a shiver down my spine, and my body cold on the hot, summer morning. My window is open and lets soft warm breezes through, the flowers are blooming, and children are singing, but all goes unnoticed by me. I am too scared by him. He smirked and pinned me down in a cold, disgusting, unwanted hug. I scream in pain, but my family doesn’t seem to hear me. They’re only a few doors out from me, shouldn’t they hear my shouts of horror? I sit up with a blank, dead expression of hate on my face. His aura engulfs my soul and takes hold of my thoughts, as if I was a puppet on strings.

I’m so used to his shenanigans, and I don’t really realize anymore how much he controls my life. One day I just woke up after a really distressing day and he was there awake right laying right next to me. It was a traumatic experience but now I am getting a little better at not freaking out every time I see him. I was so innocent before I knew him, and my life was SO easy. I didn’t feel sad after every mistake. I didn’t curse myself after every time I said something I was embarrassed for. Those were way simpler days. Those were easier times. (people with depression usually don’t struggle with it their whole life. They usually have some traumatic, horrible, event that digs up depression up out of their genetics).

After a few minutes of contemplation and dread, I jump off my bunk bed, landing with a loud thump and head downstairs to be greeted, or rather not greeted by my sister, Lydia. Her eyes are glued to her 3ds and doesn’t seem to notice me. She never really notices anything when she’s playing her video games. Almost automatically I feel a cold breeze on my neck and hear him whisper; She hates you, look at her not even looking up to acknowledge you. You disgust her, leave her alone she doesn’t want to hear you or whatever you have to say. Of course, why would she want to say hi to me. I feel so alone in this house. I shake my head trying to physically rid myself of his thoughts. Walking over to the counter I trip over a fluffy, skittish animal. Reaching my hand out I pet Marzi and feel a small wave of jealously. What a simple life cats have. They get love and attention every day just because they’re fluffy or cute. I wish someone would hug and tell me they love just because my hair is soft, or my smile is charming.  I stand up and walk to my countertop. The array of orange pill bottles makes me sigh with unease, I started a new medication today. This is my fourth try at artificial happiness, I’m starting to doubt I will ever feel joy. Of course, you will never feel joy, why on earth would the universe decide you are worthy of feeling any positive feelings. If you deserved to be happy, you would be already, but you aren’t. I unscrew the bottle with shaky hands and gulp down the pills with a glass of water. Maybe, just maybe this new one will work. I sure hope it does.

 I head upstairs and stop, maybe I should get a snack, I am kind of hungry. Well duh you are hungry, but your fat, remember? Don’t you want people to like you? Don’t you want to be loved and accepted by other people. Forget the snack, you can go another day without eating. You need to stay in double digit weight. Don’t ever think you are skinny. Yeah that’s true I am getting more fat on my belly…. I guess I’ll just not eat again today. I can go one more day. Ugh I hate myself. I had, indeed, been not eating because I think I’m fat. I don’t like how my body looks with all the fat, so starving myself is the only fast way I could think of to get skinnier. When I climb the steps up to my room I take a minute to look at my belly. It was super flat, but he is good at spinning up illusions. When I look through his eyes I see every part of me that I dislike. He’s the reason I even dislike anything about myself. I used to be so happy before. Before everything went wrong. Before he showed up. (usually others who have depression suffer from self-image issues, and body discrimination problems).

 I step away from my vanity and I jump back into my bed, with my earbuds and the desire of sleep. Turning on my phone, I go to my messages and see if anyone texted me. My heart drops into my stomach. I feel that feeling of pure loneliness, and that slow gripping feeling when you are the last picked for something. Zero messages, as expected, who would want to talk to you. Remember? No one likes you, you’re annoying, no one would want to take the time to make sure you’re feeling okay. It’s not like you are important to them or anything. If they loved you, they would text you every day. Barely anyone ever texts me, even though all my friends now I’m decaying with depression. I hate my life so much.

 I go to YouTube and put on my favorite lo-fi hip hop songs. These songs have a way of making my load lighter and, creating a peaceful aura, not a depressing one. Music helps me float into a different place when I want to disappear from my life. Sometimes they can make me sad and remorseful, but I am too tired to be sad. I’m so tired of everything. I’m so tired all the time I think it should count as a personality trait.  My heavy eyes close. Sleeping is the only place where depression can’t enter in my life. I know some people have terrible nightmares when they sleep, but I guess that part of my brain shuts off when I sleep. The part that holds my deepest fears, and unreachable dreams. My dreams are always calm and serene keeping me peaceful and happy, for I am away from all that makes me sad. I want to stay there forever, away from the real world. And out of reach from Depression.

 Soon enough, I hear from the bottom of the steps “RENAE WAKE UP, WE NEED TO LEAVE IN TEN MINUTES!” oh yeah, its Sunday I need to get dressed for church. I get to see my best friends today. Oh, how I love to talk to them. I hear him inhaling to say something, but I shut it out. I put on my vibrant yellow dress and rushed downstairs and into the car. The car ride was full of anticipation to see my friends, Depression wasn’t getting to me.

 I arrived at church and skipped up the stairs and waited through sacrament swinging my legs. I go to my class and see my best friends. I sit down next to an empty chair and soon enough class starts. I’m laughing and smiling every second. This is the only place where he has a tough time wrapping his claws around my thoughts. I am surrounded by people I love and that make me smile without fail every time I look at them. But sometimes he finds a way to make himself heard. I waved over to one of my friends to come sit next to me. He looked me straight in the eyes and pulled up a chair in the back. I know he meant it as a joke, but he makes everything seem so harsh. Wow I was just trying to be nice. That hurt. Usually I try to ignore his comments but today it was not going to work. Of course, it does you basically just got rejected. Why would he want to sit next to such an annoying **** as yourself? You should be thankful He didn’t. You would have done something stupid and he would’ve hated yourself more for it.  After that smiling took much more effort, and my laughs were more forced and faulty. The smallest insult anyone said to me hurt and I took it in the worst way possible. Even if it was just a joke/tease. All because my friend teased me and didn’t sit next to me. Depression has so much power over me and my actions.

I leave church sadder than I arrived, with him latched onto my back like a parasite. The car ride back was full of tears and regrets. They’re all right I am weird. Yeah sure they mean a lot worse than just that. They say weird, but they mean stupid. They mean annoying. They mean THEY HATE YOU! Get out of your perfect little world and open your eyes! You are nothing you are just one human being in the vast history and world of mankind. It doesn’t matter what you do. People will still die, and people will succeed and have great lives without you. You are so insignificant it doesn’t matter who you are, you should just end your life right now. Tears roll down my face like a snowball on a snowy hill, never ending and continuous. My world is crumbling in front of me. I feel like nobody loves me. If someone did, they would say so. I can’t remember the last time someone said they love me. I don’t remember the last time someone said I  l o v e  y o u.