Locked Away

By @LochGalloway
Locked Away

What Anxiety and depression feels like.

Chapter 1

  Locked Away

The part of me that was locked away, so long ago it happened on that forlorn day,

A vice constricting my throat, from out of my mouth escaped a gutteral animalistic note.

Huddled in a dark corner wrought with extreme panic and stress, tears streamed down my face, making the hell I was experiencing exceedingly unclear.

My heart resembled the pounding of wild horses hooves, galloping to an erratic beat. Unable to contain the feelings of perpetual fear and death, it terrorized the very essence of my soul, rendering it empty and black as coal, my seemingly last breath it stole.

Anguish deep and encompassing enveloped my entire being, forever towards an endless black hole I seemed to be careening.

The light and joy that once filled my spirit started leaving through retching, convulsions, and dreadful heaving.

Bile scorching its way to my mouth fixing me with a revolting taste. The remaining things that were left, became a raging inferno devouring my entirety, leaving traces of terrible shame.

Like a fire burning a path through dry brittle leaves, its flames, a tongue of despair licking up whatever remained.

Collapsing like a house with a broken and unsteady frame, left me trying to find someone to blame.

My entire being still cries out to this day, asking for someone save me please! For I am stuck in such wretched agony, unable to flee….

Elusive as the wolf, and crafty like the vixen, my anxiety claws up my throat, threatening to take hold of me. Attacking me ceaselessly from sunup to sundown, will I ever experience a little reprieve.

The talons of despair clutch me in its tight grasp laughing mercilessly at my pathetic pleas, laying in wait for the day it can take me down for the rest of eternity, longing for the day I give up and declare my defeat.

My sanity is slipping, my mind is tortured listening to nothing, but the drops of the broken sink dripping.

Not even buried in my mother’s coat can I find the slightest shred of solace and hope, grasping fruitlessly for a lifeline or rope, I’m drowning in an unending sea whose depths not even the most seasoned of sailors could possibly scope.

My constant companion is the rotting decay, that slowly chips away at my core, leaving me helpless to only scream and pray.

Certain demise doggs my every step, trying to destroy what’s left of my mind, turning endlessly the gears of fate must forever grudgingly grind.

If I will be honest, I don’t know how much more I can take, for my fate seems to lead to an early grave of late.

Dead inside and barely alive, a zombie of sort incoherent to the world around, I sat and still sit with my head bowed, praying for deliverance, for the burden seems to becoming too great to bear.

God I cry out for you, hoping you still care, for the belly of the beast is trying to drag me to its evil lair.

A thick fog still surrounds me permeating every spot, keeping me unaware of any waking thought, I’m like a moth struggling in a spider’s web fearfully and undeniably caught.

I don’t know when I became an injured beast, wailing and moaning as telling signs of my uncontrollable suffering that never seems to truly cease.

I lift my sorrow filled eyes to the beautiful fathomless unending sky, telling my caged soul to fly, for I still am unable to tell whether I’m dead or alive.

Sobs of utter anguish wrack my chest, for years I have wandered the land unable to find something as simple as rest….

My soul yearns for the past, the distant memories of joy and happiness, I may well have forgotten those jovial days and became blind to the person that once belonged to me, I’ve become someone else entirely.

Such regret and sorrow encompass my life, leaving me unable to believe, to the point of wondering, If even the almighty has turned his back to me….

Lost and without a purpose, there’s no need for control, for nigh six years ago all feeling and emotion we’re lost to thee, shoved deep down in a place none could ever hope to see.

Like a princess locked away in a tower, all I could do was greet everyone with a seething glare and glower.

Daring any to come near, my countenance reeked an imposing aura, to scare away any people close by, I almost wished I could die and it wouldn’t even be a lie.

Invisible to everyone, a mirage like reflection of outward grace, covered my true emotions showing nothing, but a fake smiling face.

Giving away none of the pain and trials I constantly endured, I trudged straight through life my meaning unclear, I raised an impenetrable fortress around me, not allowing any to see my deep hidden fear.

Desolation and isolation war inside, making me nauseous and weak it allows turmoil to reign, making me endure once again the obstinate bile and never ending strain.

Misery has held me captive for quite a long while.

A bird with clipped wings resembles me, banished to a place in darkness so deep, I thought that I would never again see the light and spread my wings in freedom’s grand flight, I was resigned to a hopeless plight, barely left with any fight.

Feeling like my life had no grand design, I let myself be bound by the chains of chaos and nothingness, while still hoping for all the world that someone so kind, would free me from such a debilitating bind.

I pray everyday for hope and peace to be an absolute decree, so it can once again fill me with unabashed childlike glee….

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