LIVING IN THE DARK

By @Thesilentman

LIVING IN THE DARK

By @Thesilentman

This is a story of man who is trying to heal his past so he can move his future

Chapter 1

ẂALKING ALONE

I don’t know if you ever heard my story. My story is about being 3 thing that is hard to be in western world or the whole world. If i tell you the 3 things is being Muslim, Black and Rape victim. The worst part is 2 of those things i have mention is already difficult to be, the rape part is something to do with trust issues not only in Finland but around the world. I know living in Finland where the 2nd largest party are the white nationalist and we get insult from the greatest and most respected house in the land which is Parliament house . You wander what the future holds. Before i tell you my rape story, let me tell you about some small things about living in western world or in Africa.

I have been living in Finland for almost 12 years now. The first time i came the word i learned was ”Terveh” meaning health or greeting . I thought my darkest time was behind me but then on the streets i saw people called me the N word and some other racial words. Every time I use to laugh it off and walk away. I have seen worst from my home country, people i share the same country, religion and color do the same thing to me. I know both are bad but when you learn from young age walking away is the best option then that is what you do. So now let me start my story .

                    Iam 30 years old black man living in Finland and the following is my life. please read it .

 I was born almost 2 years before the civil war in Somalia. My childhood was full of dead bodies on the road and blood everywhere. The First memory i have in the civil war was my mom caring me on her back and seeing a tall skinny guy with white shirt and grey pants laying on the road screaming for help because he was shot. Everyone was running and trying to safe their own lives so no one stopped to help him. 

 

 Growing up in Somalia. A society that is close minded and believe that they are the best human being the God created. As child i was little feminine. I liked to play with girls and always when playing house i was the mother ( i know even when am writing this am laughing because i remember how silly it used to be ). as a child to me this was normal, there was nothing wrong playing house with girls but that wasn’t the case when it came to my family or people around me. They already picked the sexuality for me when i didn’t even know what they were talking about. I remember my family beating me up and telling me ” Why do you act like girl, be a man and act like man. if i ever see you act like girl i will break your hand”. They bought a stick they use to called the straight stick. Any movement that i made that looks like a girl i use to get the beatdown. It was very difficult to watch out my movement because i didn’t even know i was making them . All my neighbor’s kids picked on me because how I talked or move. Even if i tried to fight back i couldn’t because my clan we didn’t have the power. As i was getting older, when i was 8 years old. My feminine side attracted predators. We had this married guy with children who was our neighbor. The first day i remember he called me to help him at his house and he started sexually attacking me. When he was done with me, he told me if i ever told anyone that he would kill my family. I believed him because everyone knew the guy, he was a member of the clan army.  To be honest i thought it will be one-time thing. Then it started to become more than one or two. I started to pee on myself every time I see the guy or at night. Now the problem in my family was not only the feminine side of me now they had problem the pee. Now i get more beatdown. They never questioned why out of suddenly developed this.

 Then came the Teacher in my religion school. As child in Somalia the parent will pick up from the school 4pm but kids can go to school alone. One day this teacher blamed me for not paying attention and told my mother that she has to come back after 2 hours to pick me up . I was the only child left behind, my mom was trust worthy so she left me behind. This teacher told me i had 2 option, while touching me he told me i can be great student and the teachers will never beat me up or i can make your life living hell. Before i answer the question, he was touching my behind. I froze i couldn’t move. When he was done with me. he gave me some money and told me to be good kid or i will die. Sometimes i use to wish death came for me. Because everyone was telling me they will kill me for some reason. So i started not going to school, every time I knew what time my mom use to come for me. So i had hide near the school and when i see her from far i walked toward her and walked back home. for 1-month i was doing that until one day my teacher and my mom met on the street and he asked about me. So, my mom found out that i was cutting school, she came home angry and here comes the STRAIGHT stick. i got beatdown from everyone. Early in the morning 7am . Here comes the teacher with strong boys to come and get me and take me back to school. For almost 1 hour the teacher was beating me i still have the marks in my body. He convinced my parents that they should come and pick me up 8pm. I was left alone with him for 4 hours, in that 4 hours i wished God will take me way from this world because he raped me 3 times just that day. When my parents were almost near, he reminded me about our first talk. He told me if only you listened this would have never happened to you. He told me if i listen to him he promised he will never beat me and treat me like someone he loved and cared for .As if i had the choice i agreed so i was with him for the next 4 years. BUT IF ONLY IT WERE 2!

Here comes the warlord . a fat talkative guy who can sell you air. Believe me the guy lead 100 of men, rich and he gets his way. I first met him with my first neighbor who raped me. i remember it was Friday, there was no religion school , i saw some cars coming to the neighborhood with soldiers . They open the car door from this guy who was wearing white shirts( White shirts back then was like showing leadership or something and sholl ) So my neighbor called me in to his house. My family were looking and he told them he was sending me some drinks since he had guest. So i bought them drinks and in the room, they were sitting there. My neighbor told me to sit on the warlords’ lap. i told him my mom was calling me. He told me to sit . i set down and from the day. The warlord always use to send one of his soldiers to pick me up. In his house i met this young boy called Jibrel. Jibrel was an orphan . He used to live SOS where the Italian Nuns use to look after orphans. So i started get to know Jibrel and he told me about his life and how the guy use to tell the Nuns that he was buying me things and he will take him back. In the orphanage many warlords use to go and get boys there to fight for them. They use to claim that it was their lost child . Because there was no DNA the Nuns use to give the family the children. They use to tell the orphans if they don’t fight, they will be killed them and no one will be missing them. I remember one time a boy being shot to death because he was an orphan and they just had misunderstanding. So, me alone had 3 guys passing me around and the 4th was a family member . until the age from 8- 12-13 everyday my wish was dying .

So i grow up with much harsh reality . but i started watching out how i moved or talked. getting older my father was pushing me to get married at the age of 16. Maybe is because he wanted to prove that i was straight ( which i am)i tried to resist. The fear i had walking on the street i started blocking all the memory i had so i don’t remember a thing. I started creating this fantasy world. where i had loving family, good friends and i never met those guys. To be honest it worked. I got married and When I was 18 years old some Al shabab killed my father, uncle ,cousin and brother . So i left the country because they were looking for me too. 

 I came to Finland when i was 18 years old. For once the fear i had of watching my back or people question me how i walked or talked. A breath of relieve came out of me. But boy was a wrong. At the camp where all asylum seekers lived . People use to live 4-8 people in a room. My first luck was with 3 guys . 2 whom were very kind to me because i was the youngest there. They moved out and the director of the camp made a guy moved in with me. They knew the guy was trouble. few nights later while we were alone in our room, he attacked me sexually . The funny thing about sexual assault is that you think you are ready to fight back. But when it gets real, you frizz and you can’t move. You can hear your heart beating so fast you will think it will jump out from your chest . The following day, I told the director of the comp if he can move me or move the other guy. He saw some fear from my eyes without questioning me he let the other guy move out. Now i was like maybe it is over , that was not the case. he came after me with his own people and now i was in more danger . Some guys tried to protect me who lived in the camp. One night around 1am, i needed to go to the toilet. Since the toilet was located outside but next to my room . i left the door open and went to the toilet. When i came i didn’t know he went inside and hide behind the bed. The light was off so i closed the door and i heard the sound and then something jumped me. I didn’t know what it was so i fight back like my life depend on it but then he hit me with glass . So i jumped to the door and people next door heard the noise and walk up and saw me bleeding. The watchman who was working that night called the police. When they came, they saw the blood on my face but they didn’t do nothing . They told everyone to go back to sleep and told me to come to the police station to make a report.

 Before i made the report, the guy told me if i ever make anything about him that he will kill me since he use to be a soldier. I didn’t listen i thought at last you will get justice. When i reached at the police station the question was” what does he want from you and what did he do to you”. To tell you the true those question was very difficult to say ”i was raped”

I told him he saw what he did but he should ask him what wanted from me. Nothing. went by a year later when i moved from the same city and moved to 15km away from the city. I thought he won’t find me. Sometimes forgetting the past made me forget how this guy’s work. in 2012 the guy attacked me in public, when i called the police they told me to go and make report. The following day i did what i was told. This time the policeman was treating me as if i was guilty, questioning me why someone will want to attack me. He wanted me to say the word. But every time my answer was like ” why don’t you ask him, iam the victim ”. his answer was” well he is your people from same county why don’t you ask him to leave you alone”. I left the police station crying. Went to my social worker and asked her if she can deport me back to Somalia. I told her life is still the same nothing changed and that was still not getting justice or break .That same Year i lost siblings from my father side. I was all they had my mom is nowhere to be found. I know she will never leave us but maybe something happened but still hoping she is a life and i will meet her one day. 

 My social worker tried to help me and told me things will get better and she will talk to the police. She did but the question is am i ready to say the word. The reason i couldn’t say the word is because. I know the police will not protect me from the guys family or from his clan. The only reason they said they will help is because a white woman went to them and asked them. The other reason is who will believe a man who says i got raped. In my mind i knew no one will ever believe me . So i started working forgetting everything but trying to forget made my relation with my wife fall apart and she left me. Now i had no one except 3 young siblings who i can’t tell my problem because they need to see their brother is there for them while they were in Africa and i was in Finland. I applied for them to come here. 

 At the end of 2013 while working . i started having trouble walking. My boss told me to go and check it out so i did, But the doctor thought i was just looking for off day without checking me out or doing test he gave me weeks off. My legs were getting worst but still went back to work. My boss again told me to go and check it out . The doctor did the same gave me off. Not even blood test, the 3rd time the boss went with me and talked to the doctor that was when they send me for checkup. After the checkup the other doctor told me that i need the emergency and my doctor should send me there. But he just set with the finding and did nothing until my boss called my doctor that was like 6 months going around. When i was finally send to the emergency i was told there was nothing they could do. I had a chance 6 months before. Now i couldn’t even stand without help, couldn’t walk 10m my whole world came down . While i was at the hospital i got negative decision from the immigration about my siblings coming here. 

 Everything that i worked hard to forget came out, All the walls that i build around my memory came down. I couldn’t believe a human being specially a doctor will do this to me. I told the social that i wanted to sue the doctor since i can no longer walk. They told me Finland you can’t sue a doctor. I didn’t know what to do. The idea of not walking or working was taking me to the lowest point in my life. I wanted to kill myself many times, but i know i had siblings depending on me that i can’t let them down. So i asked for help

. They gave me therapy. A nice lady who always picked my phone when i wanted to kill myself. Life was getting hard and here comes the guy that i was running away attacking me again when this time i can’t even walk let alone run from him. I walked to nearby river and i just wanted to just get some rest and be done with this life. Before i did that i called that lady and she talked me out of it. Then the social worker cut of the therapy i was getting and said they will no longer pay for it. 

 They left me alone with my memory. I met this girl who was lovely that i was dating . I really liked her but every time I wanted to ask to marry me . My heart will ask me if i was ready. Meaning that since i was young i use to put chair or table in the door. So, in case someone try to break in i will wake up. the 2nd thing i always and still do is sleep near an exit . But then i thought that i will change. so, in 2018 i got married but it never lasted 2 years. She always asked me why i put the chair or table at the door and why i always sleep at the exit and why i look around when am walking. Too many questions that i didn’t want to answer because she will never understand . I know Somali women don’t believe a man can be raped. She walked out on me when i needed her the most. Everything i touched was dying and everyone i get close to was leaving me.

 I know i never wronged anyone. I was always and still kind to people. All my life i have been racially and sexually profiled in Finland and in Somalia. I remember when i was young there was this lady with a kid ask me for money for food. My father gave me 1 dollar . That is all i had. I gave her without questioning. What i don’t get is being kind will not cost you money nor will it change anything in your life. Why can someone show me that mercy . I never had or have bad feeling for my family because i know they were trying to protect me. I forgave everyone who ever wrong me. But why can the world forgive me and just let me relax for a while. Just give me 1 year without pain. 

The funny thing is when i wanted to heal and wanted to tell the world my story. No one wants to listen. Why can’t the world let me heal? All i ask is to listen I know many people that i send my story to never contacted me and told me that it will be ok. The me-too movement when i see them. I question if women have this hard time what chance do i have?.

I live in a country where you will only be heard when a white man walks with you. Am not blaming Finland what happened to me. I know i have seen it worst in Somalia. But in Finland they say it is the land of Law and that is what i grieve for . I even let go myself and gain weight so no one will find me attractive . Because the world proved me that i will always get the attention of the wrong people. I have seen people making jokes of rape victims. I don’t know if i will ever be ready to come out and tell my story. I even stopped socializing with people.

 Do you know what is like when you meet the person who sexually attacked you?. I will never wish that on someone, the feeling is so bad your soul will leave your body. You are not aware your surrounding is like you became deaf, all you can hear is the sound of your heart going fast and becoming cold. when they walk away you become ice cold and start shaking. I know now i get some strength back with my legs but not the same way i use to be.  

 My question is .What am i doing wrong ?. Am i cursed and if not, why can’t no one say to me or listen to me . Most of Finnish people i tried talking to think i need a paper. I am Finnish citizen there is nothing i need except someone to listen and tell me where i am going wrong . Why does the world have to see man as strong being that can’t be broken?. You just have to see me and see how broken i am. I never committed a crime. In my life. You can check me in any data base . I never asked for hand out always try to work for my money even if when i am not physically and mentally able . Yet the world keeps pushing me to the ground. i always wake up and dust myself off and walk back. am Afraid to give up. I don’t know how much strength that is left in me.  

 As young man. I remember listening to maria carry songs ”hero”. That song use to give me some hope in life, i know the world expect you to be something great but what does greatness look like?. As young man i learned never to cry but laugh cry. what i mean laugh cry is i cry why am laughing with the hits am getting from the world. I remember my mom use to tell me that ” No one inherits a bad day except is time and it will pass” . So i use to wander when this time will pass. What i learned in life is to look down and never look up, those who are worse than you and never look those who do better than you. I have lost people i called friends and family, people i thought will take this hard journey with me and make it easy. I know there is a reason i was left behind but finding out the reason is something that i still don’t know.

When i was young i always had this dream when i grow up to be a man who help people. Work with the UN and fight those people who harm young men and women like me that don’t have the voice. My Somali community don’t believe equality and they don’t believe men can be raped. I wish i could have educated them in life. There was a time i wanted to write a book about my life and let the world informed what is like to live in the dark. Every door i have knock there was no answer. even though i knew writing the book will put my life in danger i didn’t mind. But You name it there was no answer. Every news, magazine, organization and even book publishers no one answered my called. Then i asked myself ” what if this is the world telling you no to do it ”. 

I really don’t know why everyone is running away to hear my story. Am i not worth your time or there is something about me that put people off?. I know am likeable because everyone talks highly of me. The reason they do that is because they don’t see me that much and i give distance. When they need my help i always help them without question. When i was young i have learned how to survive and not to draw attention to myself. Like not going to social gathering . Some of the reason why i don’t socialize with my community is i know they will start talking something that will offend me like talking about minorities and rape cases in Somalia.

 I know the first problem and reason why we have inequality in Somalia was first introduced in Djibouti in 2000. When the U.N accepted the idea of 4.5, the 4.5 idea is based one 4 major clan can share the Government and the rest we are called 0.5. meaning the rest of us have less right than the 4 major clans. The question is how can i win fight of equality if the U.N and the world allowed and agreed such deal to oppressed the rest of us. How can i get a job or get justice if am nothing when it comes in my home country.

I know the thing that keeps me going every day is my siblings. Every time about to break and i want to leave this world i remember them. The first days i took responsibility of them was when they were 14,12.11. I didn’t even know what is like to be parent but i was all they have in this world. I know this world is harsh but i like to do all i cannot let them see that or even feel forgotten. They are 2 girls and a boy. All i can do for them is to educated them and make them stronger. Every month when am sending them money i keep myself 100 euro to myself and rest is to pay for their education. I never asked or will ever ask help . That is not who i am , I work for my money in the legal way. Never commit a crime . When am praying i pray to God to never make me rich, but to give me something that is enough to me and for my siblings and some more that i can help few more people.

I know many people have bad feeling about rich people. I never get it. Most of the charities around the world comes from rich people , so to hate them is something i don’t understand. I know being rich to me is like you will forget what is like to be you or to see what is below you. I don’t want to forget my past but i want to heal my past and to take lesson from it to move forward. But healing alone is very hard, you have to have someone there with you to share the journey and the hard time to make it easy. For me it is very hard to get someone who understand me. How i wish to have someone there for me just to talk to. Being myself is sometimes very hard, when i look around and see that am all alone a few tear drops comes from my eyes.

It seems am getting more emotional writing this. there is a lot of things i wanted to talk about, like how i lost friends and how many of them died and how many family members i have lost. So if you would like to know more about them. please contact me . Thanks,

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