I Am Lost

By @red5hif

Chapter 1

Growth

I’ve always struggled with the idea of growth.

I would often have these creeping moments of anxiety where it would become very clear to me that I hadn’t really evolved since my last bad decision in any meaningful way. If I’m perfectly honest, if I could go back again to those moments where I had to make a choice, I don’t know if I would have made the better decision this time around. I always have the fear that I have learned nothing from the pain and struggle that I went through and that they therefore mean nothing.

I’ve always loved listening to people talk about their lives like every wrong turn was a necessary part of the journey to make them who they are. I understand that not everyone feels this way and that even if they do, it probably won’t include every single bad decision, but I have a certain hyper-awareness that creeps in so often that certain moments in my life where supposed to teach me something important and that I’m somehow incapable of learning them every time. At least not in any way that matters, I know more things than I had before, I understand choices and consequences better than my younger self, but for some reason that isn’t enough to change me or my behavior in any real way.

I understand that I’m still young and that I have plenty of time to find myself, but I feel like the world is taking me on a journey to show me who I am and at every turn, I just can’t seem to understand.

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  1. HPfan

    I can totally relate to this. I often make such impulsive choices, and I can’t seem to figure out what I did wrong. I feel justified even if I am wrong, and then again and again I feel lost…as if I was supposed to change my behavior, or learn something about the worse parts of me instead of emphasizing the good parts of who I am. It all seems the same to me. This. Is. Who. I. Am.

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