Joe Blow from Accounting (Season 1)

By @Sombience

Joe Blow from Accounting (Season 1)

By @Sombience

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The app brought up what looked like a typical smartphone settings screen, with a scrollbar on the right, and before Joe scrolled he saw regular phone things like notification sounds, pop-up notifications, etc. (Joe noted that everything was already set to vibrate, just like his personal phone settings. “This app was definitely built by someone with IT experience,” he deduced.)

There was also a mute setting. “Huh,” Joe uttered aloud. Could he just silence the whole app and pretend it didn’t exist?

Joe scrolled.

“Show notifications for:

□All actions

■Most actions

□Some actions”

Joe entertained the thought of enabling all actions but then shuddered. “This thing probably tracks how many breaths I take,” he thought. He thought about actually looking that up and dismissed it.

Joe continued scrolling. “Background color, text size, widen…”

“What the hell is Widen?” Joe thought. The setting was unchecked; he checked it.


nofate had sent Joe an email. “you’re not going to believe what just happened… same thing that happened to you! a man was at my door! got the notif in advance and everything! i looked out the peep hole and he was in a black suit holding a briefcase! i did NOT open the door! thank god my baby was quiet… you said your visitor was a woman right? could this be connected?”

Joe felt like he was in an episode of the X-Files.

He hit reply: “Very scary. I don’t know what’s going on, but I just got an update for the app… did you happen to get it as well?”

Sent +1. Joe continued his walk home, processing the last 10 minutes, keeping an eye looking back over his shoulder. Ah, safe couch. Buzz. A reply from nofate:

“no, no updates, just the same old app with the long list… you wouldn’t believe some of the things i’ve seen in there, times praised and neglected my own child, how many times i’ve called an uber, how many fricking tampons i’ve used! who is looking at all this data? what do they want it for??”

She didn’t receive the update. “Very peculiar,” Joe thought.


“Money laundering +1; now at 2 [Ok] [Go to Stats app]”

Everything stopped.

“What in the ****.” Now at 2, it said.

Joe ran to the bathroom.


“Times vomited +1; now at 47 [Ok] [Go to Stats app]”

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