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I Refuse to be Normal

By @Born_to_a_Throne

1 - So long to my dead soul

I met him when i was fifteen. He did things to me. I didn’t understand what i was feeling. I was too young. I was cold blooded. His touch made me feel again. It was, warm and caring. He made my blood run hot. Something i didn’t think possible. Now he’s nothing but a shadow. He hurt me the most. That man didn’t make due to his promise. I’ll never forget him, but i already forgave him.

What’s the point in being hateful now?

My sun was gone and the days were replaced with rain. I tried to count the drops but they turned into oceans and so i started over.

It’s not like i don’t like the rain. It’s just sometimes we’ve just had enough. Enough of the tears and the stress, enough of the blue moods and depressed mess. My soul is tired and he’s the only one that can give me rest.

Why is that?

I don’t know.

I wonder how a girl like me even made it this far. How a girl that tapes herself together every morning when she wakes up, and every hour before sleep, could find such light. He burned with passion and i wanted some of his grace. I wanted to be apart of his blessings,

because there is no dark side to the sun.

I wanted him to make me holy again.

I toyed with him, and teased him, and he came back for more. Not because of some silly job or self righteous attitude but only because of care and concern. He was worried about me.

I was happy.

In those moments, all i wanted to do was let him hold what little was left of me.

I was like a half full bottle of vodka, but i wasn’t filled with the clear poison. No, no. I was filled with filth and sin. Sullied and defiled to my very being.

I was truly hideous, but he told me i was mesmerizing. I have a bad mind. He’s a fool for saying it was useful. I asked him what he saw in my eyes, and he said he saw my secrets. I’d give him the key but I’m scared.

Fear of their freedom. Secret are supposed to stay buried.

He was a scary man to want me. An i was crazy for running. It only made him chase harder. I did it for the thrill, but he still caught me in the end.

Humble he was. A beautiful man, truly created in God’s image. I miss him. He’s gone, but at least i kissed him. You know they say *** is better when you’ve waited for so long. I hope that’s true.

I’m still counting the days, the weeks, the months. My life has never been the same since. He was the Earthquake that left me shook. Sometimes I think he did more damage than good.

The absence of another souls presence at 4 in the morning, is a saddening thing. I haven’t lost myself yet. Some things still hold me together. Duck tape somehow isn’t strong enough anymore, but glue takes to long to dry.

So now it’s just shear will power that’s holding me up. I feel close to slipping through the cracks of a dark eternity. Agony awaits my down fall, but i don’t plan to fail. I can do it, cause I’ve done it before. It gets easier.

I wilted together my fabricated past and sown on my big girl pants. I can handle my own ****. Momma raised a soldier and I am not the type to take orders. That *******, who left me wondering off the maps of reality is and will hear from me. I might not be mad, but i do need answers. Closure is necessary for leaving the past behind.

He was the one that taught me that.

I was a little girl back then. Now I’m a woman. I don’t dye my hair different colors anymore i stick with the noodles i was given. I have curves and i will flaunt my assets, because I am a woman. The only difference in me is I’m much more ****** than before.

So much more. This juvy girl will always be the baddest. So watch out.

Here I come

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