I love someone who does not love me the same.
I am completely., totally, insanely, absolutely, madly in love with someone who does not love me the same. For some insight, I love him so much, that I am absolutely terrified of disappointing him. Loving him is my greatest flaw. He has cheated, he has lied, he has done everything under the sun to disrespect me, and take advantage of my soul. For some reason, I keep going back. An unearthly draw, towards him, I can not explain the gravity. I refuse to be without him, as that will eventually be the death of me.
They say that one can die from a broken heart, and I do promise you so, that if he were to completely shatter my soul, (he has already broken my heart enough, but my soul is a lot more valuable, and complex). The day that I am completely broken, will be the day, when I have no faith left. No drive, no compassion, no trust. It is coming soon, my demise.
For now, I will see how far I can be brought. How long my soul can last. How thick my patience truly is. In a way, it hurts so good, loving someone. I want nothing but the absolute, entire world, for him. Maybe, one day, he will realize that, or see it, or feel near the same way. And for now, he will not.
At 21, I continue to wonder, “Did I make the right decision?” For now, yes, until I am driven to otherwise. Although, it is extremely difficult, being unsure. “EVERY FREAKING TIME I HAVE A REASON TO FREAKING LEAVE, I GET SUCKED THE HELL BACK IN.” The universe literally sucks me the F back in. How do you make sense of that? What do you do? Is it a test? A test of strength? Or, a test of whether or not you can determine how strong, and how logical I really am. Is it a test of my intelligence? Like, “If I don’t pass this mental exhaustion, I have to pass the next, and the next, and the next, until i finally understand my worth.
I am so confused. I want a sign, although, every time there is a sign, or at least I feel like is a sign, there is always a conflicting matter that changes my mind path. I completely lose all judgement, all of it. I am a Libra, and in the decision-making department, I am totally screwed. If I move to Hawaii, will i be screwed? Will I be living the best life ever? Will it bring us closer, will I finally receive the love I deserve, from him?