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Goldilocks And the Sassy Omniscient Narrator

By @Sadiejoy1016

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks. One day she went for a walk alone in the woods like most eight year olds. Soon enough she came upon a house. Her being a insane eight year old, knocked on the door.

“Hey, can you not be so critical? I’m trying to have an adventure.” She sneers. Having an adventure and being murdered by strangers in the woods are two different things, I remarked. Rolling her eyes, she knocked again.

“Hmm, no one answered, the smart thing to do would be to leave.” I advise. But, her stubborn self, went inside. Because, Goldilocks has a death wish apparently.

She wandered to the kitchen, there were three bowls of porridge. If you don’t know what porridge is, it’s basically oatmeal, but somehow more appealing. She was hungry after breaking and entering, so she tasted the porridge from the first bowl.

“This porridge is too hot!” She shouts. “Maybe it’s not for you.” I interjected. But because she’s an independent little thinker she doesn’t listen. She moves on to the second bowl, “This porridge is too cold!” “Once again! Maybe it’s not for you!” I repeat, with more irritation. She ignores me once again and moved on to the third and final bowl. “If I had eyes, I would be rolling them.” I affirmed. “LA LA LA LA! I can’t hear you!” She sings trying to drown me out.

“I’m the narrator! You literally can’t get rid of me.” She slurps the prooidge, “Ahhh, this one’s just right.” She says happily. She cleaned the entire bowl out. But I imagine after breaking a few laws, you work up an appetite. After she had eaten the (which she will soon find out) three bears’ breakfasts, she was feeling tired.

She strolled to the living room and stumbled upon three chairs. She plopped in the first chair to rest her feet,” This chair is to big!” She exclaimed. “That’s a shame, maybe you should leave.” I cautioned. “No! I can do whatever I want! No one’s here.” She claims. As you can see, she’s a real piece of work. “Hey! Your no angel either! And no one’s here to stop me!” She reminded. She sat in the second chair, “This chair is too big too!” She whined. “Gee, maybe they weren’t made for you.” I suggest. She climbed out of it and hopped in to the last and smallest chair. “Ahhh, this chair is just right,” she sighed. As she settled into the chair to rest, it broke into pieces! “Oh no! Breaking and entering, and destroying furniture, how many years do you think that is?” I ask. It’s gotta at least be until she’s a teen. She shrugs and went upstairs to the bedroom.

“I am metaphorically face palming right now!” Why won’t she just leave? She layed in the first bed and it was far to stiff. She moaned and lay on the second bed. Alas, this one was too soft. “Entitled little-….” I mumble to myself. “What was that?!” She snapped. “Nothing…” I denied. She lied on the third bed, and it was just right. She fell asleep quickly. She’s going to get in trouble even quicker.

As she slept, the plot thickens, the three bears came home.

“Someone’s been eating my porridge,” Growled the Papa bear.

“Someone’s been eating my porridge,” exclaimed Mama bear.

“Someone’s been eating my porridge, and they ate it all up!” Cried the baby bear.

“Pstt! Look over at the chairs!” I whisper.

The three bears look to the living room, “Someone’s been sitting in my chair.” Growled the Papa bear.

“Someone’s been sitting in my chair,” Gasped the Mama bear.

“Someone’s been sitting in my chair and they’ve broken it all to pieces,” Cried Baby bear.

“Try looking upstairs.” I comment, Goldie’s gonna get what’s coming to her. I think to myself. The three bears look around some more and then they got upstairs, Papa roared, “Someone’s been sleeping in my bed.”

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed, too” Added Mama bear. “Here it comes!” I say eagerly, If I had hands, I would totally be rubbing them together.

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed and she’s still there!” Cried Baby bear. “Bingo!“ I shout.

Just then, Goldilocks woke up, and saw the three bears. She screamed. “Help!” Your a felon sweetie, you don’t deserve help. “Shut it!” She snapped, as she jumped out of bed and ran out of the room. Goldilocks ran downstairs, opened the door, and ran off into the forest. “Karma, ******** I taunt the whole way home. And she never returned to the house of the three bears. Serves her right.

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