LET ME GO! LET ME GO! I screamed tears running down my face as they pulled me away from my mother. My mom a 25-year-old drug addict sat in the police car staring at me. She did not even say a word as they took me away, she didn’t even reach out to me, but still six-year-old me screamed out to her. I loved her she was the only thing I had ever known and now she was being taken away from me. When the car pulled off, my mom managed to make a little heart with her fingers, like she would do before I went to bed. She said it meant that no matter what she would be with her Forever. But after that day I never saw my mom again.
Last year when I turned 18, I went to social services, I decided to pull my file. It turns out my mom has been clean for ten years; she’s married and has another daughter. I’ve never been one to down anyone’s success, but I couldn’t help but be angry. While she’s out there living her best life, she forgot about me her first child her first daughter. And you know I could have contacted her but I’m good. I would hate to be a burden on her and her new family. Besides it’s not like I exist anymore to her anyways.
Yasmin! Yasmin! I glanced up to see doctor Holt my therapist standing in the office door way I stood up and went inside she motioned to the chair in the left corner of the room, “how have you been feeling she asked as she took her seat. “I’m fine” I answered. “look Yasmin I know you don’t want to be here but you could you just please show a little more enthusiasm” for the rest of the session I showed a little more “enthusiasm.” when I got home it was around 6:00 . I made dinner and I took a shower by the time I was done it was 8:00 o’clock and it was time for me to go to bed because I wasn’t feeling so good I wasn’t sick or anything I was just feeling a little depressed. So I went to sleep, I woke up in the middle of the night and I went into the bathroom and took two of my pills and I laid back in the bed. about an hour later I wasn’t feeling any better I was feeling worse than before. I sat there on my bed tears poured down my cheeks each one telling a different story. I closed my eyes as tight as I could and try to think of something in this world that made me happy, but I couldn’t all. All I could think about was how alone I was and how I was going to be this way forever.
I slipped out of bed and threw on a hoodie and leggings I was going for a walk. When I was little I would go on walks to make me feel better so why not now I walked around for a couple of blocks until I got to a playground, it was old and abandoned looking I sat down on a swing that looked like it was holding on for its dear life. I swung back and forth temporarily forgetting my pain but this time it was back, this time it showed me a memory that I tried to forget.
when I was little my mom would take me to the park and push me on the swings every day after school, she’d say it was our thing and no one would ever take that from us. But she lied she let everyone take it from us and she didn’t even bother trying to find time to apologize. She went and found a replacement as if I wasn’t good enough, but I was I loved her more than anything and she gave up on me. I hate myself for it I hate myself for even being born for being nothing for being left with nothing and every moment I spend living on this stupid earth as another moment I could be free of it. And I planned on doing just that a piece of glass reflecting against the moon caught my eye I reached down into the playground Roxanne picked it up. As I brought the glass to my wrist I whispered into the darkness, “I’ll see you soon dad” and then I dragged the glass sharply through the skin of my wrist and I watched as the blood spilled onto my pants turning them deep red. I close my eyes slipping out of consciousness.
“Baby girl look at me” I heard a voice you and I opened my eyes and the most beautiful blue eyes were staring at me and I knew if I had thought the world had ended I was wrong, very wrong.