I pull into a parking spot of Castle Motel, engage the parking brake and flick the key to turn my engine off. Appreciative the establishment doesn’t actually look seedy, it helps quelch my developing feelings of depravity. My heart is pounding fast as I squint through the darkness to check the number on the door of the room I parked in front of, noting it’s not the right one. With a quick glance to the left, I know the exact room is only a few doors down. I allow a barrage of thoughts and questions race through my mind. “What am I doing? I can’t believe I’m actually doing this! Should I actually go through with it? ”
I inhale deeply as I pull my wristlet into my lap and try, mostly unsuccessfully, to exhale slowly as I lean back into my seat, head pressed against the headrest, closing my eyes. I grapple with knowing within mere minutes I will feel his lips on mine for the very first time and the answer we’ve both been seeking may finally be revealed. Not knowing is not an option. I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t find out once and for all and let this opportunity, let him go.