The Swimming Desire of the Mind
I was so deep inside her, I came from out her thoughts. I love to her on paper and spilled ink like passion across the sheets. I tasted all her innocence, without a spoken word. I bit her lip and pulled her hair, in between the lines. I made her arch her back and scream and it only took a pen. He ***** me so good, my thoughts no longer exist, so I speak in tongues.
If you think my words feel intimate, imagine my tongue inside of you. I have never stuttered in pen, misspoken in ink, or choked in my writing. It coats my tongue in apathy, after the feeling I get from knowing it’s irrelevance. Love is fickle but, lust isn’t. So come over here and I’ll fix this rift I created with words.
I think I’m starting to get how easy it is to write in other tongue. To spit your feelings in sentences, that don’t belong to your mouth, nor to your bones. Read what I feel not in my words. Read me for I am another soul, trapped in a foreign body.
And I felt it, your fingertips, crawling on my back drawing pictures of sleepless nights. Tell me that I’m crazy with your lips sewed shut. Cover my eyes with dead leaves from a newborn tree. Assure me that my roots can be adjusted to your high standards. Wrap me like a present, nail me to yourself. Forget me on your porch, even though there is a reminder on the box that states fragile.
I am fragile as the pulse that beats visibly here at my wrist. I don’t know why I care. Maybe sometimes, it just hurts too much not to. But it’s okay, because feeling is what keeps me here and real and actually human. It’s just got to be remembered, I’m much too fragile to fall for it whole-heartedly. But you my dear… you wish to see, the darkest parts I hide in me… I find it strange, I can’t explain, you choose to never turn nor runaway.
Lust is grinding and biting and soaking covers. Lust is moaning and begging for the moon never to go under. She dreams of it at night, touching herself under the covers. Silent beautiful moans escape her parted lips, as her dainty fingers linger to the most precious part of her. She closes her eyes, picturing his rough large hands roaming all over her petite body. The only exciting desire I need is your voice, moaning the answer of life. Telling me you want me and I tell you that you are the answer to all the questions I have. Without words, I use my tongue, stating the story of us.
You don’t deserve any of this. You don’t deserve my midnight blues when I drown myself in sad or happy or selfish sexual songs and relentless thoughts of you, along with endless voices screaming and questioning just about everything, always overthinking. I look at you and longing overwhelms me. It’s the only way I can describe it. Seeing people smile, makes you wonder why… Why do they smile when you do not? Why are they happy when you are not? Is something wrong with you? For years you have yearned, to find the answer you have now learned.
Yearning for something unknown, is a feeling that makes you groan. But it reminds you why you like to feel. You feel so that living would seem real. You lie awake at 3am. During the day, you have to force yourself to keep moving so that you won’t fall asleep. But now the night has brought your mind to life and you’re struck with thoughts behind your eyelids, that emulate the black shadows caressing your closet.
What I fear most is what I treasure, what I love brings me more pain than it does pleasure. Am I sick? I spite myself. In ecstasy, I bite myself. Like a maniac, sweet insanity. Like an insomniac, stuck in tranquility. I am sick, I am braindead. Writers block is not something I need right now. It pains me to stop, words aren’t forming, my brain is snoring. I refuse to not write, the thought gives me fright. So I guess I’ll just have to stay up all night.
It’s easier to wait when you’re told to wait than wait without knowing if there’s still something worth the wait. It’s been 2 months since we parted but, we’ve been together for 2 years. It’s probably warm where you are but, I’m still here, recovering from the coldness of your words. You deserve my life, you deserve even more. You deserve my soul, you deserve a whole core. Forget the What, How, When and Who? Just know that it’s not over, that GOD has something in store for you.