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Discovering Me (Book 1 of Discovering Me Series)

By @ess1223

Hands Down - Dashboard Confessional


The police found new information to support my case against Colt. He admitted to sleeping with me the night of Margo’s party. I knew one of my former classmates had a habit of filming our parties. I told my lawyer. She commissioned a subpoena for their computer files. They discovered footage of Colt practically dragging me out because of my level of intoxication, which nullifies his claim that I consented and changed my mind when people found out. We had a case, one that could easily result in him serving time in prison. During spring break, I needed to consult with my lawyer to determine the best way to proceed. I wasn’t looking forward to rehashing something so painful during my vacation.

Milo and I never officially came out as a couple. It seemed superfluous. Things were back to normal days following our first big fight. I was anxious for our first date that Saturday. I certainly needed the distraction.


“My hair is already curly. Why are you curling it?” I read a book as Elle twirled my hair along the barrel of a curling wand.

“For a different pattern. It’s good to spice things up. It’s the key to relationship longevity.”

“I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.” I flipped the page of my book.

“Do you have any expectations?”

“Not really.”

“Seriously? None what so ever?”

“I mean – I’d love to take advantage of our alone time, but I can’t guarantee that either of our suites will be empty. It’s probably for the best, given my current situation.”

“That had NOTHING to do with you. He was a sick jerk that took advantage of you. You have a loving and committed boyfriend. It’s okay to want to be with him.”

“You’re being sweet.”

“I’m being honest. Do you need to say it?” She massaged my shoulder with her free hand.

“No, I don’t feel like nothing. Violated it is more accurate.” I pushed one of my freshly created tendrils out of my face.

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Work your magic and make me pretty for my first date.”

“You’re already pretty. I’ll make you extra.” She fluffed out my hair to add volume.

“I have no clue what to wear. I don’t think I have anything fancy enough to wear to Guigino’s.”

“That works out. You’re not going there.”

“Awww. We’re not? I was looking forward to making him order me things in Italian.” I frowned.

“Tell him to translate the sweet nothings he whispers to get you in the mood.” She sang with a smile.

 I tapped her with the back of my hand, bearing a smile. “Since you seem informed, pick out my outfit.”

“There’s no fun in that.”

“Please –“ I poked my bottom lip. “I need to shave.”

“I’ll assist, but not do it. I’ll give you options and you can put together an ensemble.”

“Sounds good.” I dog-eared the page in my book and stood up.

“My hair looks great. Thank you.” I gave a quick hug on my way to the bathroom.

I singed the belt of my robe tighter as I sat down on the edge of the bathtub. I pointed my toe as I glided the razor up my leg, through the shaving cream. I was more mindful about not nicking myself than I usually was. Elle brought me clothing samples as I worked. We eventually settled on a plum-colored babydoll-style tank top, mauve blazer, acid-washed skinny jeans, and brown boots.

I rinsed off my legs and dried them off before returning to my bedroom.

Elle lounged on my bed, texting as I got dressed. There was a knock on my door as I was adding the finishing touches. Elle answered for me.

“Welcome to the party.” She escorted Morgan and Sami inside.

“You look nice.” Morgan smiled at me.

“Compliment her. She’s the miracle worker.” I pointed to Elle. “What are you guys doing tonight?”

“Avoiding Watson.” Sami grumbled, spritzing some of my perfume into the air to smell it.

“Why?” My forehead crinkled.

“They kissed last night.” Elle returned to my bed.


“It would be better described as a mouth high-five.” Sami corrected, glaring at Elle.

“I’m sorry. What?” It was so hard not to laugh.

“We were playing video games. He beat me. He was jokingly trash talking. I laughed it off. He looked over at me and we just kissed. “ 

“What kind of kiss was it?” I began applying my makeup.

“There was tongue.”

“Whose?” Morgan joined Elle on my bed as Sami occupied my desk chair.

“I don’t know. Both? It all happened so fast.”

“It sounds like both of you were into it. What’s the problem?” Elle pointed out.

“Too many things to name.”

“Admitting they like each other will prove Delaney right. Neither of them can have that.” Morgan explained.

Sami rolled her eyes.

“Who is Delaney?”

“Her ex-girlfriend. Sami broke up with her because Delaney admitted to feeling like a third wheel each time the three of them hung out.”

“Her jealousy went from flattering to annoying really quickly. It’s whatever. It was a good kiss. We’ll forget about it and go about our lives.”

“That’s a cop out.” Elle didn’t bother looking up from her phone.

“Is not.” Sami argued.

“There’s only one way you can prove otherwise.”

“Yeah, what’s that?”


“I don’t know how.” The vulnerability in Sami’s voice was alarming.

“I’m here to help. We’re going to the mall. There, we’ll start your first lesson.” Elle proposed.

“Fine. I have nothing better to do tonight.”

“Ha, you’re so cute. You think this is only going to take one night.” She laughed.

“You’re going to me regret this, aren’t you?” Sami stood up.

“No. You’ll love me down the line.” She turned to Morgan. “Can you drive us?”

“Yeah, totally. I can’t wait to see how your experiment turns out.”

“Would you like us to see you off?” Morgan inquired on her way out.

“No, I’m good. I appreciate that all of you stopped by.” I gave her a hug.

“Knock ‘em dead. Or whatever you say for dates.” Sami hugged me next.

“Man, do you need me.” Elle commented.

I giggled. “Thanks, Sam.”

“We’re rehashing details later. If you leave anything out, I will disown you.” Elle slapped my bottom on the way out the door.

Milo arrived about thirty minutes after the girls had left. I double-checked everything in the mirror before I shoved my phone into my pocket and walked out to greet him.

“What’s with this look?” I asked lightly, walking towards him with a smile.

“I am nervous and excited, but I am happy to see you.”

“We’re on the same page.”

His arms encircled my waist and leaned down. I closed the distance between our lips.

“Are you ready to go, Beautiful?”

I nodded. “I’m all yours.”

When we were outside, he picked his skateboard up from the lawn and sat it down in front of me.

“We are going to do our first date the right way. I do not have a car on campus, but I do have my skateboard. I am going to pull you along on it.”

I fought off a smile. “Is this the one you hit me with?”


I giggled and pecked him on the lips.

“I’m glad you have your glasses on. I’m not trying to sprain, fracture, or bruise anything.” I teased as I climbed on board.

“You are funny.” He placed his hands on my waist and pulled me along the sidewalk.

“So…where are you taking me?”

“We are going to go watch Fame in the field on the hill.”

“The 80s version?” I warded off a smile.

“That is the only one that exists.”

“You remembered.” I beamed.

“More than. I asked our class president to screen it on campus.There are many perks of having Elle in charge.”

“It’s always a good idea to have friends in high places.”

He took me to the field where he told me about his life at home. Instead of it being completely vacant, there was a projector screen set up and people were scattered around on blankets. Seeing that we’d be outside made me all the more excited.

“Where are we going to sit?” I walked off his skateboard.

He picked it up with the hand that wasn’t holding mine.

“I came down earlier and set up to ensure we got a good spot.” He led me over to a blanket I recognized from his room. 

“This is hands down the best date I’ve ever been on.” I smiled at him.

“I am glad I am succeeding in a competition with myself. You have not even seen the best part. I have all of our favorite snacks in my backpack.”

“Now I feel bad. I didn’t contribute anything.”

“You didn’t stand me up. That would have ruined everything. You literally made the whole night possible, way to out do me.” He playfully reassured.

I moved closer to him. I situated myself between his legs and rested my back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his head on my shoulder.

“In all seriousness, I am glad you are enjoying our first date.” He said into my ear before he kissed me on the cheek.

I smiled and turned my head to kiss him on the lips softly.

“Are you excited to return to New York over spring break?”

We ate our snacks as we waited for the movie to start.

“No, um, I’ve got a lot of unfinished business that I’m not looking forward to tending to.” I decided to be honest with him.

“Like what?”

“I rather not talk about it right now. It’d ruin the mood.” 

He placed a kiss on my shoulder. “I love you.”

I smiled. “I love you too.” I scooped another spoonful of applesauce into my mouth.

It got a little chilly as the night progressed. Thankfully, Milo thought ahead and brought another blanket. Honestly, I was so comfortable in his arms and engrossed in the movie that I didn’t notice the temperature drop until he draped it over us. Once the movie was over, we packed up our things, before we made our way back to the dorms. As he pulled me along on his skateboard, his cellphone started to ring. I recognized Ryan’s ringtone.

“What do you want?” He held onto me with one arm as he answered the phone. “I’m still on it. Her suitemates are at the mall. I doubt Elle will do that, but you can try her. Okay, bye.” He shoved his phone into his back pocket.

“I’ve always wondered – what’s my ringtone? You have different ones for different people.”

“Does it really matter?”

“Fine. I’ll just call you.” I pulled out my phone.


“It’s not about your make-up

Or how you try to shape up

To these tiresome paper dreams

Paper dreams, honey

So now you pour your heart out

You’re telling me you’re far out

You’re not about to lie down for your cause

But you don’t pull my strings

‘Cos I’m a better man

Moving on to better things

Well uh oh, oh I love her because she moves in her own way

Well uh oh, oh she came to my show just to hear about my day”


It was “She Moves in Her Own Way” by The Kooks.

I smiled. “How long has that been my ring?”

“Shortly after the start of our trial run. From the day we met, you have always been your own person. You are very stubborn. I feel different with you, like I am doing better because I do not have to be anyone other than myself. The song fits you very well.” He admitted sheepishly.

“I love it.” I pulled him in for a kiss.

“What is my animal ringtone on your phone?” He resumed walking.

“A sheep.”

“A sheep? You could not give me a more tough animal?”

I shook my head. “It makes me giggle every time I hear it. You have the same affect.”

“I guess I can accept it then.” He pouted.

We entered the building hand in hand and he walked me to my suite. 

“Do you want to come inside?” I unlocked the front door.

“I would like that.” He followed me inside.

I locked up before he followed me back to my room. As he shut and locked my bedroom door, I turned on my bedside lamp for a source of light. He removed his glasses, shoes, and hoodie before lying down on my bed. I turned on some music and removed my boots and blazer and joined him.

I moved to straddle his waist. “Hi.” I greeted, tucking my hair behind my ear.

“Hi.” He smiled.

I lowered my lips to his. Soon we were kissing heatedly on top of my covers. We allowed our hands to roam each other’s bodies. I pulled away from him and stripped out of my shirt. I helped him out of his.

“So beautiful.” He tightened the hold he had on one of my thighs.

I pushed my mouth against his. I ground myself against him as we really got into it. He rolled me onto my back. I kept my legs around his waist.

“Wait. My necklace feels weird.” I leaned forward and unfastened it. He offered me his hand. I dropped it inside. He placed it on my nightstand. “Thanks.”

“You are quite welcome.” 

“Wait, –” I unbuttoned my pants and pushed them down on my hips. “Help?” 

He stripped them off of my legs with an amused smirk. “Is there anything else you need assistance with, Ma’am?” 

“Actually, my earrings –” I brought my hands to my ear, fingering the stud that was pierced through the lobe. 

He sighed and held out his hand once again. 

“I’m kidding.” I guided his face to mine with my hand on the back of his neck. I unbuttoned his jeans. we rejoined beneath the covers once he got rid of them. I gasped, able to feel my full effect on him. I kissed him intensely to express my approval. He unclasped my bra with ease, more than even I did after wearing a bra for years. 

“You’re too good at that.” I noted as he tossed it out of the covers. 

“Would you like me to fumble more?” He moved his hand up the plane of my chest while simultaneously kissing its skin. 

“No. I want this to be as least awkward as possible.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

It was as though he took notes months prior, knowing exactly where my pleasure centers were located. 

“I want you.” I breathed against his lips when he finally returned them to mine. 

He kissed me deeply instead of complying, making the room spin.

“Please.” I turned my head to kiss along his jaw. 

He pulled away from me.

I clutched my bed sheet and brought it up to shield my bare chest. “Leaving me?”

He sat on the edge of my bed once he had lifted his pants from the floor. 

“No, I need to put on a condom.” He pecked me on the lips softly.

“You remembered.” I kissed the back of his shoulder.

“How could I forget?”

“You forget lots of things.”

“Not this, never you.”

He turned his head and resumed kissing me the moment he was finished. He guided me onto my back without my recollection. 

Colt flashed into my mind. “Be gentle, okay?” I swallowed hard.

“We don’t have to do this.” He caressed my face. His expression was sincere and loving.

“I’ve never made love before.”

“You said –” He wrinkled his eyebrows together. 

“I didn’t love them. The way you look at me — it’s a little overwhelming.” I held him in place when he tried to pull away from me. “I want to. Just be mindful of what I said.” 

“How do I look at you?” He lowered his lips to mine and we kissed slowly. My lips were swollen to the point of feeling numb from the amount of it we had done. 

“Like I’m beautiful.” I bent one of my legs. He hitched it around his waist.

“You are so much more than that.” 

“I’m ready.” I held on to his back. “Milo.” I gasped when he pushed forward. 

“Is this okay?” He looked me in the eye. 

I swallowed hard and nodded. I guided his face to mine and raised my hips. We started off slow; rigor grew with comfort. I lost myself too often to actively think of what I was doing or would do next. It was all very reactive and it felt incredible. 

“I’m – I’m not ready to –” I struggled focus my eyes on his and compose a sentence when it was over. 


I nodded.

“Me neither.” He returned his lips to mine. 

We kissed ferociously and with desperation, as though we had not seen each other in years. We quickly returned to the throws, out doing ourselves, and went back to do it again a third time. 

“I was not expecting that.” He thought aloud once it was over once and for all. 

“It’s never felt like that for me before so I need you to explain.” I ran a hand through my hair as I took deep breaths to calm my racing heart.

“I couldn’t tell where I ended and you began. What are you talking about?” He created a hickey on my neck.

“It was so — intense. How did one time progress into several? And why was running out of protection the reason we stopped?” My cheeks warmed.

“I curse myself for only bringing three.” 

“Me too.” 

“You or me?” He looked up at me with a small smirk. 

“You.” I kissed the playful expression off of his face. I was content with the feeling of his skin beneath my fingertips and sleepily moving my lips in sync with his.

“Is it alright if I use your bathroom?”

“Absolutely not.” I joked, climbing out of bed.”I need to make sure Elle’s not in there.” I explained as I stood up. 

“Don’t look at me like that.” I shielded myself with my arms and hands as I walked backwards in pursuit of my robe. 

“Like what?” He tried not to smile. 

“At all.”

He covered his eyes with one of his hands. 

I quickly put on my robe and tied the belt. “Done.”

He lowered his hand. “Get over here.” He nodded me over. 

I sat down on the edge of the bed. He sat up and put his arms around me.

“You have no reason to be embarrassed.” He kissed my shoulder. 

I took a deep breath. “My body is –” 

“Yours. I love it.”

“You don’t need to –“

“I’m pretty sure I have clued you in on how physically attractive I find you in several different ways over the course of the past couple of hours.”

“I don’t know why I feel so self-conscious all of a sudden.” I put my hand in the tangled mess that was my hair.

“It’s a big step for you. It’s not something I take lightly. So…I will attempt to remedy this by explicitly stating that you are truly beautiful and I consider it a privilege that I was able to see all of you.” He kissed the side of my face. 

I smiled with my eyes closed. “I am so mad at you.” 

“Why?” He whispered, resting his chin on my shoulder. 

“I love being that close to you.” I put my hands on top of the ones he had around my waist. 

“I’ll make it up to you later, I promise.” 

I turned my head and kissed him. I found the strength to leave him after awhile. When I walked into the bathroom, I found Elle in there washing her face. 

“Is he still here?” She kept her eyes on the mirror, fighting back a smile as she lathered her ****** cleanser.

“Yeah.” I blushed.

“Three rounds. How many times did you –“

“You heard us?” I flushed a whole other shade of red as I went to the bathroom.

“Mostly you. Was saying his name an ego booster or genuine?”

“Genuine. It — what is the dancer myth?” I caught myself before I disclosed too much information.

“You’re energizer bunnies in both senses of the phrase.” 

“And here I was thinking it was an isolated incident.” I stood beside her and washed my hands.”Do you think Sami and Morgan heard?”

“Nope. Warhol Hall is pretty far away. Nicky wanted to show them something music related. I was over there for a second because Ryan said he needed something important. It turned out to be something stupid and I came back early. I have a lot I need to do tomorrow. ” She used a paper towel to pat her face dry.

“My body’s still all tingly.” I shook out my limbs.

“Just rub it in!” She cried.

I put my finger up to my lips and shushed her, pointing to the door leading to my room to remind her that he could probably hear her. She silently rolled her eyes, rubbing in a moisturizer as I brushed my teeth.

“I’m getting all the details tomorrow morning. Bright and early.” She backed out of the bathroom and into her room.

I returned to my room and Milo.

“Elle was in there. She’s not now.”

“I heard. It’s a good thing you checked.” He climbed out of bed naked without shame.

I blushed and returned my eyes to his face when realized where I was staring. I flushed further when he smirked. I turned around to allow him put on his briefs without continuing embarrassing myself. 

I was initially startled and then turned on by muscular arms encircling my waist.

“Look at me all you want to.” He returned his head to my shoulder. 

I closed my eyes. “It’ll make me more mad at you.”

He chuckled and kissed the side of my face. 

“I have something.” I snapped my eyes open. I pulled away from him and went to my desk. I pulled open the drawer. “It’s from health class. Totally forgot about it.”I sifted inside it.

He was right there when I turned around. I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him deeply. He led us to the bed. 

“We need to keep it down this time, okay?” We struggled to keep up with each other’s kisses.  

“I heard you were the main contributor to the noise.” 

“These walls are too thin. We are turning the music up louder next time. At least it wasn’t Ryan.”

“We have an action plan: headphones on and we remain in our rooms until we are notified that they are gone. It is to avoid awkward run-ins.” He tangled his hand in my hair. 

I wanted him too badly to continue the conversation. I failed miserably at following my own advice. Once we had finished, he laughed at me about it. I swatted him on the chest for it. He actually made it to the bathroom afterward. 

After sliding on a T-shirt and shorts, I turned off my stereo. I crawled back into bed. I waited for him to return. He immediately climbed back into bed and pulled me into his arms.

“Is it alright if I stay the night?”

“I guess. You’re so needy.” I reached over and switched off my lamp. “Will you kick me out if we get together at your place?” I snuggled back into my place. 

“No, but you will be the first. I am not used to this.” 

“Used to what?” I traced patterns on his bare chest. 

“Physical and emotional compatibility. I get it all with you.”

I looked up at him. “I’d hope so. You claim to love me.”

“I do love you, Beautiful.” He gave me three short kisses.

“Do you think less of me for putting out on the first date?” I sparked up a joke.

“Yes.” He fired back quickly.

I swatted him on the chest.

He laughed. “Kidding. No, not even if this were a one night stand. You should know I would be devastated if you strolled into my life a few hours ago, we did this, and you walked right back out.”

“Why?” I humored him.

“I didn’t know it could feel like this. That hypothetical version of me would want what actual me wants — to be with you for as long as time permits. There is too much here to walk away in defiance.”

“Because you love me?” I sang, teasing him for his sentiment.

“Yes.” He tickled me.

I squealed.

“Shhhhh. She’ll hear us.” He whispered loudly.

I snorted and more quiet-attempts at laughter resumed.  

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