Dearest Aleks

Dearest Aleks,

I’ve never been good with words- not when it came to expressing how I felt. Somehow the words never came. I had no way to express the feelings building within me. I guess I built the wall myself, brick by brick. Blocking out the pain… I blocked out the joy with it. You see, what I didn’t understand was that pain and joy come hand in hand. Without one I’ll never understand or appreciate the other. I hadn’t felt joy in so long. But the pain had seeped through. Drip by drip, it seemed to slip through the bricks of the wall I built, until the tears pooled around me. Until I almost drowned. But then you came along. A boy with bouncy, blonde hair. And a silly smile. Your eyes twinkled with a joy I longed for. I was drawn to you without even thinking about it. I didn’t want a friend, but to you I couldn’t say no. You helped me tear down that wall, brick by brick. So that joy could flood back into my life. Balancing the pain that had threatened to pull me under. I smiled again. I laughed. I felt. You helped me feel. I had been numb for so long, until you shared a new feeling with me. One I had never experienced before and was not prepared to block out. Love. Not love how I love my Mama or Papa. But love in a way where my whole being felt incomplete until you stepped into the room. A love that slowly began to fill the spaces once taken by grief. I was a better person when I was with you. I was happier when I was with you. I never knew how much I longed for a sparkle in my eyes again or how much I wanted to laugh. Life felt so empty. Dull. But then you came and shared adventures, jokes, stories, and so much more. I never thought I could open up again. Vulnerability- it scared me. I had once been entirely open, making losing my Papa eternally harder. I was terrified to let someone in, but letting you in felt… right. It felt nice to know someone else knew how I felt. Someone would listen, without judgment. Someone would help me. I never imagined I could love like that again until.. until I met you. I hope it’s not too late. I hope one day you can read this letter and finally hear how I truly felt. Finally hear that I got butterflies when you smiled at me, my heart raced when our hands brushed one another. My eyes lit up when you walked into a room, I blushed when you told a joke, I cried when Rusha said you looked like Papa, and I felt complete the day you held me as I cried tears for my Papa, tears I had held in for too long. My heart exploded the first time I kissed you and my heart broke the time I kissed you knowing it may be the last time I do so. You taught me to feel. To express. To laugh again. And to.. love. 

                             I love you more than words can express,

                                                                                  Your Masha