collateral intentions//

By @constantine816
collateral intentions//

It's getting easier for people to put on a good show and edit the sad parts. There are some things we do not want the world to see, some things that are just for us. This memoir opens the door to some of that dark and private world, inspiring readers to own the power of what makes us human: our flaws. collateral intentions// is a memoir collection of 11 years of poems, short stories, journal entries, and letters from ages 17 to 28 which spans the gamut of self-reflection.

Chapter 1

KNRWTF

collateral intentions//

poetry//short stories//journal entries//letters

//constantine m. dhonau

//the following is a

com·pi·la·tion

/kämp??l?SH(?)n/

noun

a thing, especially a book, record, or broadcast program, that is put together by assembling previously separate items

of

journal entries

phone notes

miscellaneous sticky notes

backs of [important] documents

paper towels

scribbled debris

col·lect·ed

/k??lekt?d/

adjective

(of individual works) brought together in one volume or edition

over the course of eleven years; 

ages 

seventeen to twenty-eight.

Who you are when you write 

is written for you to see.

Playing it Safe

10152011

You know, I never really get too involved. I seem to always keep a safe distance from things. Never fully commit. 

I also seem to be ever-searching for role models. For idols. For heroes. For strength in others I take for lacking in mine own. 

I’ve learned the meaning of, “I apply my personality in a paste.”

I am very talented at turning bad into good. My impulsiveness takes me places. Not always good. Not always bad.

Am I a complainer? I don’t think so. I believe I share my troubles in a healthy and respectable way, as well as my accomplishments. I keep a balanced, natural flow. Going with the flow is good, but it’s also good to know where the flow is going.

Consistently keeping a safe distance isn’t a bad thing, though. It could indicate a sense of responsibility and selectivity with what one lends their passion to. Wildly surrendering deep commitment all about is a burning strain. It seems almost irresponsible, though (easily) admirable. I think many irresponsible things are admirable. 

“I really admire ______ for what they’re doing…I know I could never do it.”

What does it mean to be…idk…something big and impressive, paradoxical would be alright, but expected and overplayed in this instance – which waters-down the gravity of the insight. Simple would be preferred, truly alternative in perspective (at least to the ones involved). Something so simple and beautifully re-viewed it strikes everyone with a strong, “Wow! How could I have never seen it that way before?” Something so obvious it pops-up everywhere in sight and sound, in touch and all of the senses, constantly resurfacing unignorably such that it truly does offer a lasting new perspective on one, some, many, everything, life; not just to serve the narrow moment of the conversation and create a superficial cloud of pondering; something that utters, “You know what? I’m gonna take a couple days on that one,” (as if it were a choice). This country (world? whathaveyou) is stamping out love and passion with drugs and institution. 

****.

That.

 

.intrabit.

//navigant

Vol I.0910KNRWTF 1-7

Vol II.1011 From Me to You8-21

Vol III.1112 Never Cover A Judge By His Book22-28

Vol IV.1214 The Sounds, Something to Die For 29-50

Vol V.1414What are You Doing for Others? 51-81

Vol VI.1415 Not Quite 76 Trombones82-111

Vol VII.1516 Hello, my name is112-150

Vol VIII.1616 Contribute 151-164

Vol IX.1618 Life is a Sketch 165-190

Vol X.1820Black n’ Red 191-217

//apropos allegories //bonafide bangers

//clandestine colloquialisms //desirable dissertations 

//eloquent entries //fascinating fillers 

//gripping gabs //hellenistic hits 

//impeccable inscriptions //jolly jokes 

//kingly kens //luscious lexicon 

//moving manuscripts //neat notes 

//okay orations //palatable pontifications

//quintessential quotes //rude ramblings 

//sultry selections //tantalizing tropes 

//euphoric eulogies //veritable vexations 

//wise words //exceptional xerographies 

//yes yodels //zesty zingers

 //if you daren’t sully these pages, you may be the 

//perfectionist 

//standing in your own way.

 //write in pages to return to:

Volume /I

07312009

When I genuinely like a girl, I’m not clever anymore. I’m not smooth or witty. I try to muster the same slick lines and mastery and fluency that I can normally play out on the other girls – but I just make an ass of myself.

03:48 AM

08032009

Who’s making the wrong choice? She could be making the wrong choice of guys but I could be making the wrong choice of not trying harder…DO I EVEN HAVE A CHANCE?!? ****!!!! I have no idea ????

18:37 PM

08032009

You wrote this on a day – Wednesday – seven slash twenty-nine slash oh nine. You were 17 years-old. Questioning whether or not [she] was still interested. It seemed to bottom out but you felt like maybe she still did, it was an odd feeling. That was kind of a weird night for you. You had Channel 16 on the TV for 6+ hours because it was soothing static. You were heavily debating whether you wanted to read all of this over the phone to [her] or let her read it herself. You’re a weird kid, just so you know. 

08012009

What if we can have spiritual abnormalities? There are physical, mental, why not spiritual as well? 

Oh please, by all means, share your deepest thoughts and opinions on existence, the state of existence, and the goings on of existence, *******! You’re just so ******* smart aren’t you?!? You just ******* know everything. The most ingenious ************ to ever grace this ******* planet. You are just so ******* original and unique and special and attractive and deep and charming and perceptive ************. Who wouldn’t want to be like you? *******. 00:59 AM

This book would have to be my only installment. If I have a ******** of these then I’m never going to look through them later. I mean, if I just keep doing this, book after book, it will get boring, routine. It will just fall in as something I take for granted instead of something unique. 

I just wish I could see me through her eyes. She made me – MADE me. For her to think, “Wow, that came out of me, a living, functioning being, doing the things he does. Must be unbelievably rewarding just to see me alive, much less doing anything even slightly impressive. I get it now. All moms over-hype their kids like that because its amazing to them that they created life, a life that can do things with their talents, TALENTS! They made something that has a talent! incredible…it truly is.

Poetry has been hitting me in waves and God are these waves beautiful. It’s gotta be that bathroom. I think of some crazy **** in there. It’s like a think tank.

1

Indignance

10162009

I can’t stand the people

All the greed

All the malice

It’s poisoning me

It’s blinding me

Keeping me from who I could be

I need time away

To wash away

This slime

This sludge

It covers

It coats

It conceals

It keeps

The good in me

From shining through

What is true?

Where’s the good?

Where’s the god?

I’m dying inside

I’m losing life

Becoming numb

2

Miscellaneous Philosophies

10272009 (12312008)

Never underestimate the healing power of good conversation.

Don’t live down to your stereotypes. 

Social Formalities

I don’t want to get a job, go to college, get a car, fall into place in society and “contribute” the way every else does. Our country is overly-privileged and THE world power. Our people don’t need help. The countries we are ignoring and the countries we are trampling on to get what we want are the ones that need help. I want to do what I can for the people living in those countries. The American definition of “success” is material: having a car, house, steady job, large family, college degree. My definition of success is doing what one can to help people in the world who need it most. I simply don’t care to participate in the social formalities; the rite of passage growing-up in America. 

I want to help people, people in deprived and warring countries who really need it. I don’t want to get a job or go to college or participate in any of the other formalities of society because I don’t want to have to work harder just to be unhappy like everyone else in this country. While I say I want to help these people; by not wanting to “do what it takes” (social formalities) to get there, it makes me question if I really want to help them so badly. I realize that – to me – helping those in the world who need it most is the most good a person can do in their life. Where there is a god, an afterlife, or some greater scheme to life. Helping those who need it most is the most good you can do.

Wavelength Philosophy

Life occurs across what can be described as a wavelength; more specifically, a pattern of ups and downs lasting over different lengths of time and varying highs and lows. As good as a person’s life may be, their life will inevitably reach a low. There is not a set amount of low points in any person’s life, but it is certain they will occur and most likely more than once. The same goes for a person in a slump, eventually their life will pick back up onto the positive side of the wavelength. There is no way to predict how high or how low these curves will go. Everyone’s baselines are also at different levels, so their lows and highs can start from different points. One person’s high point might be another’s low (even if they are both the same distance from their respective baselines). A high or low point may last different lengths of time as well. There is no telling when a high will fall into a low or a low build to a high. 

Scope Philosophy

“Life is what you make it.”

It’s all in how you look at it. Say you’re looking at a picture on a computer, if you zoom in you can see every little imperfection, a jumble of pixels. If you look at it in standard view it’s a beautiful image. There might be an imperfection here and there, but that’s what makes it so beautiful altogether. Now,

3if you were to try and zoom in real close to those imperfections and fix them, the image would become distorted. If you zoom all the way out, the image looks like a tiny little square and you can’t see the beauty of it. 

The image is life, and the imperfections are your problems. If you zoom in too far, all you’ll see is problems and you won’t realize how beautiful it is. If you zoom out too far, you’ll see life from beginning to end, the picture in its entirety, so small and minuscule that it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t hold any beauty or value – as small as a single pixel. You’re born, then you die, what’s the beauty in that? It’s about finding the right scope so you can see the good and the bad collaborating together to create the masterpiece. 

The Self-Serving Nature of Humans and Life

All beings live to serve themselves. Everything we do can be traced back to the motivation to better our own situation.

My Purpose in Life

Maybe my purpose in life is to be the person they can count on; that one person that no matter what, will always be a shoulder to cry on, an open ear, a well of advice and a source of blunt truth and honesty.

Death

Death is not a loss, but a finality to a contribution, the release of purpose served, therefore: a happy sacrifice.

Most Things Happen For a Reason

I once thought everything happens for a reason, but perhaps not everything. I don’t believe such superlatives can be applied. There are some things that seem small, but given time, a moment can send ripples. 

12142009

The Meaning of life is to give life meaning.

03152010

You may not be able to change the world, but you can make a difference in one person’s life at a time. 

4

Lost in Lust

11052009

Will she ever feel the same about me?

And with every situation

I make a relation 

To my station 

With her

These thoughts are 

Breaking through my 

Mental barriers

Will I ever be able to tell her how I feel?

I’m trying to block out

What hurts

But with every

Scenario

When I see a movie

A TV show or

Hear a song

She laces through my mind

Bound up in a rat’s nest

How many nights have I gone to bed thinking and wondering about her?

Can’t escape her

Can’t evade her

Can’t erase her

Can’t replace her

Will she ever understand?

Hope it all works out

In my favor

I don’t care if I’m her worst nightmare – every night – as long as it’s me. 

5

Anger

06152010

Muscles tightening 

Relaxation unwinding

Heat is rising

Anger is blinding

The stress is unbelievable

Pressure is inconceivable

Can’t stand it

Want to scream

Need to be alone

Blow off some steam

Got to breathe

Breathe out the hate

Have no choice

But to alleviate

The hate inside

Is wounding me

Blinding me

6

Facade

05032010

As we grow

We draw lines around 

What we know

We learn to differentiate

Between what’s real and what’s fake

The facts that we get straight

For granted are what we take

We swallow what we’re served

So we get what we deserve

We can’t make up our own minds

So we stand in our according lines

-CHORUS-

Facade

The real world isn’t real

Facade

We don’t say what we really feel

Facade

We all just put a smile on

Facade

Unoffensive

And full of charm

As we live another year

The picture’s supposed to

Become more clear

But with a year of hindsight

The picture doesn’t seem as bright

As I practice please politely

For the foes who plot to fight me

I can’t remember who I am

My mirror is a trash can

-CHORUS-

I see this life is not a dream

It’s only full of misery

Deeply-seated is my hatred

For the blood and the tears shed

To perpetuate politeness

In place of open-mindedness

-CHORUS-

[BREAKDOWN]

I wish everyone would 

Get the **** away

But my need for companionship 

Puts that at bay

I don’t question this reality

I question those that surround me

[CHORUSx2 > OUTRO]

7

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