Breathing in the Inbetween

I can’t stop thinking about you,

about us

and the spaces inbetween

your fingers and mine

bodies colliding,

breathing in each other’s spirit,

inhaling,

breathing, in the spaces inbetween

The bus ride back from the school trip

shared learning,

it snowed a lot that night

you sat beside me on the way back

our fingers intertwined,

hidden

hands sandwiched between your leg and mine,

we hid our love from the others

we talked about everything

your dad, my parents

therapy

the concert

that concert, when I saw you

I’d swore to myself I was over you

That you didn’t own me anymore

But one look and I crumbled

I needed you, at least, I think I did,

I wanted to need you, to want you

Does that make sense?

I’m in love with being in love

In love with feeling like I need you

In love with being needed, being wanted

I need to be needed,

need to be there with you,

Not in this inbetween, this space

breathing into the silence

I’m in love with the spaces inbetween

The spaces between your face and mine

At that concert, with our bodies squashed together

I really wanted to kiss you, then

I count the space inbetween

breathing in the inbetween

You always smelled nice

I dreamed about kissing you

Running my hand through your soft hair

Slowly counting down the spaces inbetween

Breathing them in, breathing in you

bodies colliding, morphing, merging

becoming one

I miss you

And the spaces inbetween

you don’t answer my texts anymore

I hate it

I hate that I need you, or feel like I do

That I’m stuck here, discarded

In the space inbetween

The silence consumes everything

My thoughts echoing

far too loud for someone so quiet

I get that a lot, actually

I’m quiet, usually

I’m too loud with you

You overwhelm me

And I think I overcomplicate

overcompensate

overthink

For example;

If I text you first, do I come across as too clingy? What constitutes being clingy, and how tolerant are you of me and my possible clinginess? If I use an exclamation mark, am I too forward, too excitable, too childish? If I use undercaps will I come across as noncommittal, nonchalant, uninterested? Will all-caps make you uncomfortable, as though I am yelling? What greeting should I use, and what are the implications of each- ‘hey’, ‘hello’, ‘hi’, ‘heya’, ‘yo’, ‘wassup’, ‘sup’; the list goes on endlessly. Should I elongate the greeting, adding extra “i’s” into “hi” to draw it out, or is that to childish, does it seem like I’m looking for attention?

On the other hand, if I leave the decision to you, if I wait for you to text first, what will happen? Of course, I will constantly check my phone even when my vibrate is on, looking for the notification that doesn’t come, waiting for you to initiate contact so I can close the spaces inbetween us, or suppose you are going through the same thought process as I, and we come to the same conclusion, both waiting for the other to message.

And so it continues, so much consideration put into a singular text, one that I probably won’t send, one that I might tap out.

I don’t think you actually love me, or ever did,

I guess that’s okay

In truth, I probably don’t love you either

It’s more likely to be the infatuation with the idea of love

I have a chronic addiction to romance

idealising, imagining, dreaming

Stupid fantasies gradually turning into expectations

High standards and expectations

I expected too much of you

Romanticising romance, thinking it would be perfect

I projected that onto you, my idea of a relationship

I think you projected onto me, too

Both of us falling not for each other but for what we perceived as the other person, which was really just a reflection of our insecurities and wishes

falling for ourselves, projected onto others

Twisted self-love for self-hatred

a sickening conundrum

it’s almost laughable, don’t you think?

Loving to hate ourselves

Hating to love ourselves

I think, somewhere, we got life mixed up with death

Romanticising our flaws which we saw as belonging to someone else

It’s stupid, really

They’re called flaws for a reason

I think I should let you know, you know

That someone who loves your flaws isn’t really someone who loves you

You need someone who loves you despite them

Who sticks with you even when your flaws kick and lash out at them

I can’t be that person for you anymore

I’m leaving us

and the spaces inbetween

of course, you’ve already left

haven’t spoken in months

I just stand here in the space inbetween

a coward with too many thoughts and too little courage

All these words rolling around inside of me

I’ll let them out eventually

Out into the inbetween, as I start to breathe again, not for you,

for me.